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[Bad Kitty]

Three different couples I know have decided to get married since the New Year. And now Amanda & Neil are at it too.

I don't get it. Never have. I wonder why I always feel disappointed in people when they tell me they're getting married instead of being happy for them? (I do feel like a bit of a bitch for not feeling happy for them.) I have never once experienced that swell of yay other people seem to get when a couple announces their engagement. I often can't bring myself to congratulate them.. because it feels false. The overwhelming feeling I experience is usually one of either "ugh" or "oh dear god, why?"

PLEASE discuss, I'd really like to know WHY. Anyone else out there just not "get" marriage?

I wonder if my feelings about it are because I'm a child of divorce? Or because I don't get along with my dad too well? Or because of my early feminist influences? Or because I'm single and under 30? Or because all my favourite people when I was growing up were either single or gay (or both)?

(There's also the possibility that I'm just a bitter little cunt who doesn't want anyone else to be happy. But I don't think so. I like to think I'm not that awful.)

[tw2113]

my personal thoughts on the topic are that it should be a sign of commitment to said person. Too often though it's used as a legal thing or done when the people aren't really ready or able to handle what comes with it. In some cases, they marry for every wrong reason under the sun thinking it's what they should do. I will argue forever that it's not for everyone.

[Tiervexx]

I don't know you well enough to guess at your motivations with great accuracy but the OP makes it sound like you might be bitter about being a "child of divorce."

I would be horrified to be married to anybody I dated but I do believe that I'd be all for it if I found the right person.  And I was ecstatic when my two best friends married each other.  It's all about finding a couple that works... and it helps if there are no emotional hang-ups in the way.

[peppamintdynamo]

I'm single, a feminist, and under 30, and I still think marriage is a cool thing. There is something really special about finding a person you care for so much that you're willing to commit the rest of your life to them. I think that marriage in this day and age has turned into a bit of an industry, and a lot of couples get married before they should because of societal pressures, but I honestly think that you can find a person that you are amazingly compatible with, and it's such a special gift if they agree, and want to show their commitment through a ceremony with your family and friends.

I guess I've been surrounded by a lot of good marriages in my life, and that has a lot to do with it. I also think that it's possible to fall out of love with someone, because people do change over time. Often when people marry at a really young age, it can mean that they have a higher chance of divorce, because they're still growing into the people they're going to be, and they might not still be in love when that whole process ends.

Another thing about marriage that I believe leads to divorce is when people put too much stock in it. Honestly, your life shouldn't change that much after you're married, and if the way you look at the world changes, especially in an negative way, then marriage was no the right choice. I simply see marriage for what it originally was meant to be, a commitment ceremony, that may not be for everyone, but makes a lot of people really happy. I would like to find a person that I can safely say I'd like to spend the rest of my life with, but it hasn't happened yet. I'm not looking, but it would be a great feeling to someday find that.

[Tiervexx]

I simply see marriage for what it originally was meant to be, a commitment ceremony, that may not be for everyone, but makes a lot of people really happy...

That is how I see marriage but I don't know if that's how it was "originally" meant to be.  In many cultures the male basically declared ownership of the female and it was really just about the man's happiness and family that the woman had no real choice in.

This is of course horrifying from a feminist point of view but I don't think we need to let this ancient practice taint modern marriages in the developed world (as opposed to some cultures that still practice it).

[peppamintdynamo]

I simply see marriage for what it originally was meant to be, a commitment ceremony, that may not be for everyone, but makes a lot of people really happy...

That is how I see marriage but I don't know if that's how it was "originally" meant to be.  In many cultures the male basically declared ownership of the female and it was really just about the man's happiness and family that the woman had no real choice in.

This is of course horrifying from a feminist point of view but I don't think we need to let this ancient practice taint modern marriages in the developed world (as opposed to some cultures that still practice it).

I was thinking a lot more ancient than that, and I could totally be making stuff up to feel better. Somewhere, at some point, the idea of marriage had to have been about commitment to a person you love. Just not everywhere.

Anyway, you all know what I was talking about.

[slyvia k]

eh, not a big fan of marriage, but that's TOTALLY because i am a bitter, single bitch.

[peppamintdynamo]

Also, I DO NOT connect getting married and having kids. I think its weird when people categorize those together.

[Agonistes]

i consider myself married, or a close approximation.  we're monogamous, and have said vows (well, i whispered mine, but then i am very, very shy).  in my case, i used to be pretty vehemently opposed to the idea of marriage for various reasons, but as i got older, and went through some interesting relationships and developments, i found out that it's not so much about what's traditionally expected in a pairing for me, but more personal, like a symbolic way of saying 'i love you this much.'  it's not like i'd stray or move out or anything without the ring, the ring isn't keeping me there, but it's a manifestation/expression of what IS keeping me there.

[Pope Totalfrog]

I'm married. Have been for six years (I was only 23 but we had been together for 5 years and we had already been living together for 2 years). We couldn't see ourselves ever wanting to be with anyone else so we got married. I never thought I would get married but when I met my husband it just seemed right. Still does.

[MeAndMyCharms]

Personally, I'm terrified of marriage. It's not something that I could ever picture myself doing. I just can't imagine me being married or tied down. It's beyond my comprehension.
But I pretty much put that down to the fact that I have never actually really been in love, and since I haven't experienced the emotion that comes along with "being completely in love", I can't grasp the idea of committing myself to one single person for the rest of my life.

I wonder if my feelings about it are because I'm a child of divorce? Or because I don't get along with my dad too well? Or because of my early feminist influences? Or because I'm single and under 30? Or because all my favourite people when I was growing up were either single or gay (or both)?

(There's also the possibility that I'm just a bitter little cunt who doesn't want anyone else to be happy. But I don't think so. I like to think I'm not that awful.)

Are you close to the couples that are getting married? It could stem from the fact that you might feel you are losing them. Once people get married, their lives can change a little bit, with everything done as a couple, and there can be that fear there that you might drift apart.
It might not be that you don't want them to be happy, it could just be that you're scared you're going to lose them, that things will never be the same as they were before.

I think that's a very common fear to have, and many people would feel this way. I don't have any close friends getting married (and I don't see it happening anytime soon since most of my friends are gay), but I think that thought would always be in the back of my mind if any of them were to take that step..

[SickSickSound]

I'm married.

I got married because I knew I had found the one person I wanted to be with always.

It was a huge decision and I didn't take it lightly. But it was also a simple decision: This was the right person. I wanted us to merge. I wanted to let our lives intertwine as closely as two separate beings ever could. It was about sex and living together and sharing and becoming one. The forsaking all others part was easy; others didn't come close. And that stupid ceremony, in a city office, changed something: It said that we would go through everything together, the romantic highs and the boring practical stuff, the changing circumstances of life and the private things no one else would ever know.

Marriage is intense. It's not for everyone. I know divorce is easy now, but to me marriage means a lifelong commitment. It's not something you should do on a whim, or as a business arrangement, or for your parents. You should do it because you want to look into your partner's eyes for the rest of your life, and know that is the person you love and cherish and trust. It's deep. But find the right person and it's also the most obvious thing in the world.

[The Angel Raliel]

I kind of see it a symbollic commitment of love between two people and an affirmation of their desire to spend their lives together.....

[THE BLACK SHEEP]

well this is deep but ture ,,,


love and marrage to me is like a beer ,,,, the foam on top is just the dating and engagment ,the fluff and good times easy things ,

 the  body of the beer and great amber liquid is the years of commitment , and best of all it can be fun,,
/ the body of the beer is and can be hard to take , tuff times and good ,

but the truth for me is i have commited my self to not doing many thing untill marrage , so i am looking forward to finding the right women ,


the black sheep "leaving a light on for the right one "

[Morpheus Laughing]

When I hear that people are getting married I have all kinds of thoughts and feelings.

I get a sense that something novel is happening mixed with a surreal kind of bafflement. (If I’m told to my face I also get a sense of dread that I’m expected to say something). After the shock/surprise, I begin to hope that they don’t want to talk to me about the planning at any point in the next several months…

Next I start to wonder about what it all means and why I can’t even begin to imagine what it must take for people to want to get married. Eventually I rationalise it with: “ It’s a sign of their commitment to each other and it means something to them even if I don’t understand it.”
Then I tend to get broody about all the things that people believe are highly symbolic that to me just look like veneers for life signposts that people want to find in their later years (my Sartre Nausea moment perhaps).

After a while I get used to the idea but I will get a recurring sickness whenever I hear about the amount of money that has been spent.