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Author Topic: Acceptable age difference  (Read 16208 times)

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plasticmoo

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Acceptable age difference
« on: June 27, 2010, 04:53:04 PM »

I'm curious on people's opinions when it comes to age relationships. Is there a limit on how many years difference there may be between a couple or is everything ok as long as it is mutual love and affection? Your thoughts and arguments please, I'd love to hear them.

(also.. Plasticmoo is back  :2funny:)
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2010, 06:24:55 PM »

as long as you're both consenting adults, why would you care?

welcome back.

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plasticmoo

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2010, 06:35:39 PM »

I knew this would be the wrong forum to bring up such a topic on.. everyone here's open minded lol

but yeah, i guess i was easy to miss haha :)
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2010, 07:31:14 PM »

don't meddle in the age range where both mental and physical change is going on....aka the teen years, unless you're in the same range. If you're above 20, just not worth going for them.
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overratedtoejam

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2010, 07:39:59 PM »

i think age shouldn't matter past the age of 20. though, i do wonder how older people feel dating younger people. (by younger i mean more than 5 years difference) i mean, if you walked into a bar and saw somebody you think is hot would you go "no way dude, he/she's a kid!" or would it just be normal to you? i can't really say how i'd react since i'm only 18 and if i dated somebody 5 years younger than me..well, that'd be perverted, but for some reason i love women in their thirties. not that i'd have a chance.
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2010, 09:15:07 PM »

i think age shouldn't matter past the age of 20. though, i do wonder how older people feel dating younger people. (by younger i mean more than 5 years difference) i mean, if you walked into a bar and saw somebody you think is hot would you go "no way dude, he/she's a kid!" or would it just be normal to you? i can't really say how i'd react since i'm only 18 and if i dated somebody 5 years younger than me..well, that'd be perverted, but for some reason i love women in their thirties. not that i'd have a chance.

I think a percent difference is better than a number of years.

For example... a 50 year old and a 65 year old might be on the same level but a 12 year old will almost never be on the same level as a 17 year old (unless the 12 year old is a svant and/or the 17 year old is retarded).

But as other people have said I will mind my own business as long as they are all consenting adults.
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meganpaige

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #6 on: June 27, 2010, 10:24:17 PM »

As long as you've got comparable maturity levels...

I dated a guy 11 years my senior and he was seriously immature. I was in my early 20's and was far more mature than he is even now. (Hmm...what a terrible sentence, grammatically...)
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overratedtoejam

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #7 on: June 27, 2010, 10:26:17 PM »

i'm talking more of attraction, not relationship quality. like, does a 35 year old looking at a 20 year old feel the same way i would looking at a 13 year old?
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lucy

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #8 on: June 28, 2010, 04:23:03 AM »

after the age of 20 it really shouldn't matter. during your teens i think more than, i don't know, three years difference or so is kind of weird.
i think what's more important is what age you feel like. some people feel a lot older or younger than they actually are, in that case it wouldn't be weird to date someone older or younger.

but everytime i realise that my dad's girlfriend is 19 years younger than him i just find it so gross. i mean come on, she could've been his daughter. sure, when i was born my dad was 39, bit still. they really like each other and have fun together and what not, but 19 years just seems like a lot to me. i mean, what if she was 20 and he was 39, would they still have liked each other like that? because that would seem weird to me. hell now that she;s 39 and he's 58 it seems weird to me.
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #9 on: June 28, 2010, 06:05:15 AM »

i'm talking more of attraction, not relationship quality. like, does a 35 year old looking at a 20 year old feel the same way i would looking at a 13 year old?

I think that's an interesting point. As much as development may slow after a person is out of their teens, it's still happening. Just as you come to see 16-year-olds as kids (when, at the age of 14, they were practically adults), there'll be a time when 20-year-olds seem like children too. I guess it's natural development.

Doesn't mean relationships with big age gaps can't work, though. I think fundamental personality types both affect and override maturity levels that change over the years; there are parts of a person that won't change however old they are, and I think those are the bits that matter the most in a relationship.
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JohnnyDBBUK

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #10 on: June 28, 2010, 06:46:35 AM »

me and Audrey are 9 1/2 years apart (which is pushing it) but I think it matters less when both people are adults and have their heads screwed on similarly.

for example if I was an extremely mature person of my age who was into reading the financial times and trading stocks and shares and Audrey was a colourful childish girl who likes cartoons and singing along to Brittany Spears it probably wouldn't work out.

But the fact is Audrey is very mature and I am (well you all know what I am like :P - must grow up someday tho :P)

JohnnyDBBUK

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #11 on: June 28, 2010, 06:57:33 AM »

oh and stages of life can play an issue also.
eg if settled into their adult life and the younger person is just starting out
it can sometimes make the relationship difficult in the long run

absynth aura

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #12 on: June 28, 2010, 06:59:12 AM »

I don't think age different matters in most cases.

But in saying that, I do often think twice when I hear of a 14 year old dating a 21 year old.
But I can't judge that because my parents are 7 years old, and while I still think it's odd that my dad was 7 when my mum was born, I've learned to accept that age difference doesn't matter in relationships when the feelings are mutual between the two. Now when a 14 year old is dating a 21 year old because he can buy her alcohol, and buys her drugs, and has "a cock the size of an iron pipe" then that I see as wrong for many reasons.
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #13 on: June 28, 2010, 07:05:05 AM »

this one has always confused me


Was Leon a Paedo or was Mathilda just an annoying girl with a crush on a vastly older guy who avenged her family for her?
It's not like he did anything she made all the advances.

interesting reading
http://www.visualculture.free-online.co.uk/visualculture/Student%20Essays/Leon_Reading.htm

quote Emma Davies 1999
"This unconventional love between an older man and a young girl raises many issues linked to paedophilia. However, Leon constantly squashes any advances Matilda makes and keeps this potentially explosive issue in check. Links could be made here to such films as Andrew Lyne's 'Lolita' which more controversially deals with the subject of paedophilia head on"

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #14 on: June 28, 2010, 09:58:55 AM »

I don't think age different matters in most cases.

But in saying that, I do often think twice when I hear of a 14 year old dating a 21 year old.
But I can't judge that because my parents are 7 years old, and while I still think it's odd that my dad was 7 when my mum was born, I've learned to accept that age difference doesn't matter in relationships when the feelings are mutual between the two. Now when a 14 year old is dating a 21 year old because he can buy her alcohol, and buys her drugs, and has "a cock the size of an iron pipe" then that I see as wrong for many reasons.

....really? Think it through, honey ;)


I have two things I'd like to put into the discussion at this point. Do you all remember Mr. Old? I had a major, major crush on him, and he was about 14 years older than me. We met when I was 11, and last year we got sort of back in touch and talked on MSN a whole lot. I'm not going to go into details and things, but this was when I was 16 - so legally allowed to have sex and whatever, and my no means a shrinking violet or anything - and he was 33. We didn't do anything together, but the way we talked to each other just wasn't acceptable I don't think. For a long time after I gave him the push, I ignored it and just cracked on. Then I started having weird dreams where he was chasing me and I was kicking him in the face, so I figured probably something wasn't being addressed. I explored it, and I realised that I was fucking furious with him for encouraging me, for not reacting like a "normal" 33 year old would have done. I felt like it was his responsibility to back off and was incredibly angry at him for not doing. I'm alright now, having realised this, but I think it's interesting that if we'd have had sex I would have been considered a "consenting adult" and that I thought I was alright with it. I don't much care about age difference in later life, but when you're too young to know yourself then it's just a fucking mess.

My other point was my dear, darling friend Maddison. She's a year younger than me and she's engaged to a 33 year old - same age difference as it was between me and Mr Old. Now, I've met him and he seemed like a stand-up bloke and there's no doubt in my mind he loves Maddison very much and she loves him. But I cannot bring myself to have this sit right with me. Maybe when they're still together after she's grown up a fair bit I'll feel happier, but I genuinely am not sure that they will be and that's what upsets me - I know that Maddison would be crushed by the finishing of that relationship, and I can't see how it can survive all the changes that a person goes through when they're 17 and onwards.


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buttercup.

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #15 on: June 28, 2010, 10:39:12 AM »

 I did not have success dating a fellow thirteen years my senior. Nor did I have success with a five year age difference (though his constant mentioning of me being 'so young' was more obnoxious than him just being old).

Currently in a two year age difference and it's so awesome because we're actually in the same generation.  :headbang:


(I once kissed a guy 18 years my senior and it still grosses me out  :tongue7:)
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CottonCandy

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #16 on: June 28, 2010, 11:37:16 AM »

In some sitcom they said that acceptable age difference is taking your age, halving it and adding 7, to get the youngest "acceptable" partner. Suppose it'd go the same way other way around, so for example for me (24) youngest "acceptable" would be 19 and oldest possible 34. But I don't think it can quite work like that. My sister was claiming any age difference is ok as long as the man is older, and she was horrified to hear first when I told my boyfriend was 2,5 years younger than I was.

But really, I think the older you get the less it matters, and there are individual circumstances etc. But the bigger the age difference is the more I would worry about the older party having a massive influence on the younger, or trying to hasten things. Like if I had a friend who was 20 and they'd be going out with a 40-year-old, I'd worry. So really, you can't say until you get faced with the situation.
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J_Beck

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #17 on: June 28, 2010, 12:52:49 PM »

i think age shouldn't matter past the age of 20. though, i do wonder how older people feel dating younger people. (by younger i mean more than 5 years difference) i mean, if you walked into a bar and saw somebody you think is hot would you go "no way dude, he/she's a kid!" or would it just be normal to you? i can't really say how i'd react since i'm only 18 and if i dated somebody 5 years younger than me..well, that'd be perverted, but for some reason i love women in their thirties. not that i'd have a chance.

I went out with a girl who was 30 and I'm 24 so just talk to them and see what's up.

My view on this is I really wouldn't date below 21 just for practicality issues, not being able to go to X, Y, and Z would suck.  As for age difference beyond that it is more mental age.  I know girls who are 21-22 and act extremely cool and laid back, then I know some in their 30's who still act like gossiping/drama filled 16 year olds.
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Blue Canary

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #18 on: June 29, 2010, 03:17:46 AM »

In my opinion, if you're of legal age and both can be mature about the situation, I find it okay.
I'm 18, and I will go to 40. A lot of people find it really disgusting that someone my age would do that, but I've been able to relate more to adults than a lot of people near my age. I'm not trying to be pretentious or anything, it's just how I feel! haha :)
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overratedtoejam

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #19 on: June 29, 2010, 07:09:31 PM »

In my opinion, if you're of legal age and both can be mature about the situation, I find it okay.
I'm 18, and I will go to 40. A lot of people find it really disgusting that someone my age would do that, but I've been able to relate more to adults than a lot of people near my age. I'm not trying to be pretentious or anything, it's just how I feel! haha :)

that's basically how i feel. i just get along with older people better which also makes me more attracted to them.

after all those responses, i'm feeling better about my chances. those hot 30 year olds won't know what hit 'em. :coolsmiley:
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absynth aura

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #20 on: June 29, 2010, 07:48:26 PM »

I don't think age different matters in most cases.

But in saying that, I do often think twice when I hear of a 14 year old dating a 21 year old.
But I can't judge that because my parents are 7 years old, and while I still think it's odd that my dad was 7 when my mum was born, I've learned to accept that age difference doesn't matter in relationships when the feelings are mutual between the two. Now when a 14 year old is dating a 21 year old because he can buy her alcohol, and buys her drugs, and has "a cock the size of an iron pipe" then that I see as wrong for many reasons.

....really? Think it through, honey ;)


Really. They both suffer from this rare disease which prevents them from aging. It's a miracle they conceived and birthed 4 children.
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Morpheus Laughing

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #21 on: June 29, 2010, 08:16:15 PM »

In terms of age, mentality is most important factor in adult relationships. Some people are out of reach because of an inflexible personality. As for the young, that is complicated and other people in this thread have summed it up well: Developing personalities do not necessarily know what they want or what older people want from them.

There are cultural factors that sway things though. “Protection of the vulnerable” has varying shades across the board. Marrying a kid off young is sometimes deemed to be in the best interest of a child and that can lead to crazy age differences. I guess that it can work out ok if it really is in the best interests of the child and not just in the interests of the culture (of course, in most respects the two interests are inseparable and that’s where the controversy lies).

In the western kind of society, it is not surprising that parents can be quite protective though. These Parents have fewer good reasons to let their children go prematurely. Overall, it’s a mixture of consensus-type attitudes that pressurise others into conforming to a protectionist mentality (assuming that they lacked a protectionist mentality). Sometimes society is wise to be protective of its youngster’s choices, but perhaps there are also times that it underestimates its young lovers. It’s a trade off but still one that has the testimony of adolescent foolhardiness to support it.   
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Blue Canary

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #22 on: June 29, 2010, 09:40:26 PM »

Until a certain age, I would NEVER date someone younger than I am. When you're still a fairly young teenager, your likes, dislikes, and beliefs change on a dime, and there is always a sense of insecurity that goes with being a teenager.
My best friend is dating someone two years younger, and though he is also one of my best friends, I wouldn't even think about it because he may act like an adult at times, but he is still really young.
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CaffeinatedCassadie

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #23 on: July 03, 2010, 03:26:22 AM »

...I'm totally after a 25 year old  :D
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #24 on: July 03, 2010, 06:06:24 PM »

does she know yet?

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #25 on: July 11, 2010, 06:24:31 PM »

i don't think i would date anyone below age 18, just for like, a moral and ''legal'' matter.
as for older, i always get along much better with people in their 30's or so, than with people my age. i'm an old fart, eh.
i think that it depends more on maturity than anything else though. not that i'm the most mature person ever, but so many girls my age are childish and drama queens and just, UGH.
although my ex seemed concerned about the age difference on a theoretical level, (she's 28, i'm 21) i just think she ended up being the immature one.... so i'll try and date women who are over 28 now :P
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imaginary friend

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #26 on: July 11, 2010, 07:22:04 PM »

i don't think i would date anyone below age 18, just for like, a moral and ''legal'' matter.
as for older, i always get along much better with people in their 30's or so, than with people my age. i'm an old fart, eh.
i think that it depends more on maturity than anything else though. not that i'm the most mature person ever, but so many girls my age are childish and drama queens and just, UGH.
although my ex seemed concerned about the age difference on a theoretical level, (she's 28, i'm 21) i just think she ended up being the immature one.... so i'll try and date women who are over 28 now :P

well, that is just about the time that you females really start to get awesome...  O0

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #27 on: July 12, 2010, 12:19:30 AM »

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JohnnyDBBUK

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #28 on: July 13, 2010, 04:32:08 AM »

2 cats with an age difference working out alright

plasticmoo

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #29 on: July 13, 2010, 10:37:03 AM »

2 cats with an age difference working out alright


hah, i hadn't seen that photo yet.
they look adorable  :love3:
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #30 on: July 15, 2010, 12:42:57 AM »

2 cats with an age difference working out alright


hah, i hadn't seen that photo yet.
they look adorable  :love3:
Ahhh are there anymore of these?
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nottheonethatscrazy

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #31 on: July 15, 2010, 12:52:44 AM »

2 cats with an age difference working out alright


hah, i hadn't seen that photo yet.
they look adorable  :love3:
Ahhh are there anymore of these?
Yesss.  :)

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #33 on: July 15, 2010, 05:13:08 AM »



rofl :P (one on the left)

Morpheus Laughing

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #34 on: July 15, 2010, 07:55:23 AM »

^^^
She really does look very different. If not for the eyebrows I would struggle to recognise AFP in these photos.
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plasticmoo

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #35 on: July 15, 2010, 07:57:02 AM »

aye

have to say that she looks absolutely wonderful in that hairdo
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #36 on: July 21, 2010, 05:51:49 PM »

Within my year, people seem to obey a "two year" rule, ie: within two years, either birth years or school years, it's probably acceptable, depending on the people. At fifteen, I'd say that's probably about right, aside from the legal implications. (The age of consent here is seventeen, btw)
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #37 on: July 21, 2010, 06:05:56 PM »

 :love5:
Oh my, those photos are absolutely stunning!
They really look so happy together ..as well as good together :P
Seeing the two of them on the webcast the other night was too adorable!
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #38 on: July 27, 2010, 03:42:37 PM »

if the youngest person is at least 18, I think the age difference could get to be 10 years, hm I personally wouldn't date anyone older it would feel like I'm dating my parents or something  :o
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #39 on: July 27, 2010, 04:15:41 PM »

how old is Alan Rickman?

That's as old as I'd go.
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #40 on: July 27, 2010, 04:21:36 PM »

how old is Alan Rickman?

That's as old as I'd go.

64?
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #41 on: July 29, 2010, 02:41:24 AM »



64?
Whoa, what? Doesn't look like it at all!
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #42 on: July 29, 2010, 02:52:14 PM »



64?
Whoa, what? Doesn't look like it at all!


It's the black wig. Takes 30 years off him.  :icon_rr:

how odd to consider that Severus Snape is actually older than Iggy Pop...
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #43 on: July 29, 2010, 03:06:25 PM »

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #44 on: July 30, 2010, 09:03:26 AM »

Benjamin Zephaniah is older than my dad! WHAT THE FUCK! He's still a sexy bastard though ;)
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #45 on: July 30, 2010, 01:58:11 PM »

Benjamin Zephaniah is older than my dad! WHAT THE FUCK! He's still a sexy bastard though ;)
Well it's definitely a very different situation to see a remote figure (say, a celebrity, politician,
magazine model... poet?...) and say wow, that person't hot! versus actually being in a relationship
and having to deal with his/her whole-person - attitudes, personality, beliefs, experiences....

For example, hypothetically:
This person is really attractive...  (and I like her TV show, Warehouse 13...)

...but she's about 20... 

Me & her?  Probably wouldn't work, even if she found me physically attractive too.
Now, if I did meet her, and she seemed interested, I wouldn't reject her outright just
for being young, but she'd have to have something pretty exceptional going on in
her mind before I'd let things get too, um, complicated....
[Oh, and my brain's 'relationship center' would have to be a lot less F'd up, but I suppose that could happen with the right stimulus....  maybe.]

Does this, in any way, reduce the "she's hot" factor?  Nope, cuz I just see her on TV.
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #46 on: July 30, 2010, 02:11:50 PM »

...I think I could be in a relationship with Benjamin Zephaniah. I like the way older people think way more than the way young people do, and they always have so much better stories to tell xD Besides, he seems a forward-thinking kinda dude, I don't think he's old in the same way my dad's old (i.e, grouchy, miserable, tedious and hates everything). He does do a lot of exercise and looking after himself and stuff, which I think I'd get bored of....
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Savannah

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #47 on: January 28, 2012, 06:53:55 AM »

I was about to open a new topic for this subject unless i found it in grey matters section.

Anyway, there's this guy who wants to date me, well in a "serious and long time relationship" way He's good, handsome and he also seems to be intelligent.
The only problem is, he is 20 years my senior.
Looking at the good examples such as AFP & Neil G., i say to myself, well, age difference should not matter that much.

But thinking about how old he will be for example when i turn 35, i feel sad and confused.
Well, now some of you guys may ask, "why do you bother so much, isn't it just a date?".

While i'm still feeling a bit confused about being his date, he spilled the beans yesterday and told me he'd like to get married soonish.

So if i say nevermind and decide to go steady with him, it will probably be a huge and serious step. And i am so confused and scared shitless :-\


Edit: It turned out that the age difference between us is 19, not 20, lol.
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #48 on: January 28, 2012, 07:31:39 AM »

I was about to open a new topic for this subject unless i found it in grey matters section.

Anyway, there's this guy who wants to date me, well in a "serious and long time relationship" way He's good, handsome and he also seems to be intelligent.
The only problem is, he is 20 years my senior.
Looking at the good examples such as AFP & Neil G., i say to myself, well, age difference should not matter that much.

But thinking about how old he will be for example when i turn 35, i feel sad and confused.
Well, now some of you guys may ask, "why do you bother so much, isn't it just a date?".

While i'm still feeling a bit confused about being his date, he spilled the beans yesterday and told me he'd like to get married soonish.

So if i say nevermind and decide to go steady with him, it will probably be a huge and serious step. And i am so confused and scared shitless :-\

ok so, let's see...Isn't the actual issue the fact he's going really fast?
How long have you know him for? If it isn't for long, I suggest you might get to know him a bit better...
marriage is indeed a big step. and generally such a big commitment can be scary and confusing, even though you really like the other person...I think it's normal...

but if that's not what's bothering you and it's only the age thing...well yeah, give some thought to that too. like, how comfortable do you feel around him?
do you have things in common? could you see yourself living with him...?
I think those things are much more important that age. because if someone is your age and you don't have anything in common, well, it's much worse.
the only thing to consider is you might be in different life stages, but here comes the art of compromise! if things get more serious, you should probably have a talk to see if you are compatible on major issues...suppose you really want kids and he feels he's too old for that...those are things he won't change his mind on,
so it's best to know beforehand, but otherwise...
and again, it comes down to maturity... i think the only times it could be a bit awkward is if a 50 year old is dating a silly 20 year old and you know, stuff like going out with friends or meeting the family can be awkward... but it definitely wouldn't be your case, as you're anything but silly, my dear!

my girlfriend is only 8 years my senior but since we were in really different life stages (like, me studying uni, she teaching at uni, blabla) it took her a lot of time to cope with it and to accept that it was ok for us to have a different amount of experience (obviously she having had much more experience than i).

not sure I helped but...just don't freak out :) think about it but don't overthink it or it will become a problem and right now it isn't... ;)
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Savannah

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #49 on: January 28, 2012, 08:04:47 AM »

I was about to open a new topic for this subject unless i found it in grey matters section.

Anyway, there's this guy who wants to date me, well in a "serious and long time relationship" way He's good, handsome and he also seems to be intelligent.
The only problem is, he is 20 years my senior.
Looking at the good examples such as AFP & Neil G., i say to myself, well, age difference should not matter that much.

But thinking about how old he will be for example when i turn 35, i feel sad and confused.
Well, now some of you guys may ask, "why do you bother so much, isn't it just a date?".

While i'm still feeling a bit confused about being his date, he spilled the beans yesterday and told me he'd like to get married soonish.

So if i say nevermind and decide to go steady with him, it will probably be a huge and serious step. And i am so confused and scared shitless :-\

ok so, let's see...Isn't the actual issue the fact he's going really fast?
How long have you know him for? If it isn't for long, I suggest you might get to know him a bit better...
marriage is indeed a big step. and generally such a big commitment can be scary and confusing, even though you really like the other person...I think it's normal...

but if that's not what's bothering you and it's only the age thing...well yeah, give some thought to that too. like, how comfortable do you feel around him?
do you have things in common? could you see yourself living with him...?
I think those things are much more important that age. because if someone is your age and you don't have anything in common, well, it's much worse.
the only thing to consider is you might be in different life stages, but here comes the art of compromise! if things get more serious, you should probably have a talk to see if you are compatible on major issues...suppose you really want kids and he feels he's too old for that...those are things he won't change his mind on,
so it's best to know beforehand, but otherwise...
and again, it comes down to maturity... i think the only times it could be a bit awkward is if a 50 year old is dating a silly 20 year old and you know, stuff like going out with friends or meeting the family can be awkward... but it definitely wouldn't be your case, as you're anything but silly, my dear!

my girlfriend is only 8 years my senior but since we were in really different life stages (like, me studying uni, she teaching at uni, blabla) it took her a lot of time to cope with it and to accept that it was ok for us to have a different amount of experience (obviously she having had much more experience than i).

not sure I helped but...just don't freak out :) think about it but don't overthink it or it will become a problem and right now it isn't... ;)

Sylvieee <3 Thank you soooo much, i really need some advice and your help means a LOT to me.

Because you know, opening such a subject, must people are like "Errrm", or they respond with a huge prejudice.
I can't blame him for acting so fast because he really wants a family. His mum and dad have died a very long time ago, and since then as far as i could understand he had spent most of his time on his career. He's a doctor and i guess, inside such a big crowd of people, he feels lonely. Most of his friends are and childrened, once he told me that he had felt terribly lonely while he's home.
As for how long i know him, well i guess i know him for years from the hospital, but we've been getting to know eachother better for 2-3 months. We have some things in common, for example we both like going out a lot, we both smoke, we both have similiar thoughts about politics, etc. And i guess i like him being around me because, he makes me feel peaceful and happy.
I'm asking myself if i'd like to have him as a date, but can't find the right answer because of the confusion caused by the age gap. Well then i think, if i really felt that excited or happy, then the age gap wouldn't bother me. And it's getting bigger in my head  :-\
You are so right about the difference in the life stages. The matter is, i don't want to have kids before i turn 30 something. But he doesn't have that much time and he loves kids, so i suppose he wants to have kids in the next 2-3 years.
Thank you for saying i'm not silly, well i think i may be a little from time to time :buck2: Regarding the maturity, i guess the way i feel and behave is a little more grown up and settled than my peers. It does not bother me a lot for now, but who can say that it won't change 10 years later. Maybe he will rather staying home and watching TV while i'll be craving for a night out. And maybe he'll get jealous by that. But isn't it a problem between some peer couples too?
I've always thought that marriage is a very big and serious deal and people should not try to get involved before their relationship is settled.
I'm freaked out most probably because i'm terrible at making decisions quickly. And that i feel like something beautiful might happen between us but it may take a little longer time, but he's not that patient.

I guess now, as you said, another issue is he's going fast.
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #50 on: January 28, 2012, 08:18:37 AM »

Syl:  

Eight years from now,
your experience difference with your gf will be much less ; - }



Savannah:

I agree with Syl that he's going too fast.
(men in Turkey may be different than here in the USA or in Italy).

And everything else she said.

You might want to do a little web searching for the major issues.
They are the same for good marriages, and divorce.
Compatible money usage/styles is another one.
How long to wait to start a family is a minor issue.

Dating awhile, may be the best way to find out.
Among other things,
you'll find how you feel with him among family and friends,
and out in public.
Also how you each deal with compromising.

Also meet his family long before you get engaged,
and he meet yours.

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #51 on: January 28, 2012, 08:51:33 AM »

I don't think you can make such an important decision (such as, I'll be with you forever) without even a date... honey you say he's not patient but maybe you should talk about it a bit? tell him you know and understand his needs but that feeling this pressured might ruin it all before it even started...?

indeed maybe as Len said there are some cultural differences that we're not thinking of... I mean if you go out with him a bit and then find out he's not your cup of tea, would it be bad to break up with him? I mean bad not for him, but seen from society...

eventually you just have to be happy though and I think you cannot feel like giving something up (even if it's just worries, like the ''going out'' part or having kids sooner) for someone you don't even know THAT well...

hugs, arkadas'm (i had actually learnt a single sentence in turkish ages ago... but anyhow i have no idea how to spell it, this should be ''my friend''? )  :love5:
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #52 on: January 28, 2012, 10:50:53 AM »

kick him to the curb, Savannah. no sane person talks about marriage - even in the abstract - before they've been on the 1st date with the person they're attracted to.

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #53 on: January 28, 2012, 12:04:23 PM »

Thank you guys, you all are awesome  :headbang: :headbang: :headbang:

@Len: Men are not that different, but yeah maybe there are some cultural and social differences. For example, most people still take a dim view of living together, there are many couples doing that, but most people tend to get married after 1 year or so of dating/living together.
I don't even think about getting married(at least in the next 3-4 years), i like our relationship this way. But if i take a step and say yes to going steady, i'm afraid he will take it more serious than he should.
Starting a relationship with such a huge and distant aim is what bothers me, and yeah the age gap is also confusing.

@Sylvie: O0 Yes, i'll definitely do what you say. I'll go to first date and at the first moment he starts talking about these serious stuff, i'll tell him that i need more time to talk about these things and it's impossible for me to take such a big step before i get to know him better.

In general, people break up without having any difficulties, in Turkey. I've already dated and broken up with a couple of guys, so that's not something that i can not do. It's just, i don't want to waste his time on me with vain hopes, before i feel ready for further. And i guess i can tell him as you suggested. I'm not ready for that, and if his aim is being with me rather than getting married, i think he'll understand it. If it's no big deal for him, i won't feel like hurried along.

As for your sentence, it is perfect, thanks and hugs, mia amica :love5:

@imaginary friend: As i told above, i'll tell him i'm not ready. If he's ok with dating, he should not bother for that. But if his only aim is to get married, well then that can be any other girl too, so i guess we will go our separate ways.

Age gap still worries me but there's only one way to understand if it really matters; if he's ok for dating a little longer than he had planned, i'll giva a chance to this relationship and see it myself.
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #54 on: January 30, 2012, 02:10:51 AM »

It sounds to me he's in a life stage where he has suddenly decided to settle down and the person doesn't have to be perfect as long as they're good enough... I instead would like to see someone for a longer time to find out they are really the type I want to settle down with and that takes time. I want to see how we deal with big differences in opinions now, rather than when we're married. I mean, if he wants kids soon too, how well do you agree on raising them? I suppose your career isn't as settled as his, will he support you in building it or does he want a housewife or sorts? Those are big, big questions for me!

Age difference doesn't matter that much if you're both on the same page as others have said -but I suppose the bigger the age gap gets the more difficult it may be to find common ground (or meet people much older/younger in the first place!), so I suppose that's why big age gaps are rarer.
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #55 on: January 30, 2012, 02:44:30 AM »

It sounds to me he's in a life stage where he has suddenly decided to settle down and the person doesn't have to be perfect as long as they're good enough... I instead would like to see someone for a longer time to find out they are really the type I want to settle down with and that takes time. I want to see how we deal with big differences in opinions now, rather than when we're married. I mean, if he wants kids soon too, how well do you agree on raising them? I suppose your career isn't as settled as his, will he support you in building it or does he want a housewife or sorts? Those are big, big questions for me!

Age difference doesn't matter that much if you're both on the same page as others have said -but I suppose the bigger the age gap gets the more difficult it may be to find common ground (or meet people much older/younger in the first place!), so I suppose that's why big age gaps are rarer.

A housewife? No, that's not me. And everybody around me knows how busy and hard i work everyday.
As for my career, yeah it's not settled because i still have qustions in my mind whether i should stick to the trade business or get back to ELT. And each day there's a probability that i may have to quit this place and start working for another company. And of course looking for a job may take some time too, though i keep getting offers and making job interviews, pretty often.

He also knows about these. But i don't know what he thinks about.

And as i told above, i'm not ready to take such a big step in such a short term.
I still haven't met him as a date, and i haven't even told him whether i'd meet him or not. Sometimes i think i should not. But then again i think it might be unfair refusing him on the phone. And maybe it will be helpful to tell him what a big gamble it is to committing such a serious relationship with somebody before even knowing them.

Times has changed and relationships are not like they used to be 50-60 years ago. To me, today a woman have a profession even if she doesn't have to support herself, there's no guarantee for the relationships or family inheritances.

I also have some trust issues and bias caused by the broken marriage of my parents. I'm not saying 'god,no!' to marriage, but i also think it should be the decision of two people who know and love eachother pretty well. As i told in my above posts, if it's me in the picture in his mind, he has to understand it will take time.
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #56 on: January 30, 2012, 06:34:19 AM »

Johnny and I have a pretty wide gap between our ages.
I guess the fact that I'm going out with him at all probably has a lot to do with the fact that even though I was scared of telling my mum for a long time, I knew she'd be fine with it in the end because when I was born, my Mum had just turned 18 and my Dad was 27 and she would know pretty well that what she does is kind of what I reference when I make my decisions (which is pretty normal, as far as I'm aware, even if I've just phrased it REALLY weirdly).
I think that Johnny and I work alright because I'm fairly mature (Johnny would disagree but...he's a pest, so his opinion does not count.) and he's not some guy who wears suits and carries a briefcase and wants a wife and 27 kids right now, right this second, or else.
My Mum and Dad didn't work out though, because in the end, despite being around 9-10 years younger than him, he was far less mature than she was. I'd say he still is. He's not a bad guy, but that's why that ended. My Mum's ex-husband who she left a couple of years ago...I think that they had something like 13 years between them. They were really sweet together when it was working but then...from what I saw, alcohol seems to have ruined that one.

Mostly I don't care about age gaps unless it's one of those things where some 20 year old bimbo marries a millionaire 90 year old or when you can see that someone is clearly being taken advantage of in some other way. Or when it's just generally creepy and gross.

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #57 on: February 05, 2012, 10:06:49 PM »

I don't really mind age gaps because I think a lot of it has to do with maturity of the personality. I think an 18-year-old and a 27-year-old can be just fine if they can understand that they're in different places in their lives and are willing to work through that. I also think that two people who are very close in age can be a complete disaster. Physical age is mostly unimportant in relationships. Unless it's like you know, and adult with an underage child. But that's an entirely different ballpark.
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Savannah

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #58 on: February 22, 2012, 05:04:40 PM »

It didn't work for us. I don't know. I'll just make a quotation from Ally McBeal to summarize our first date;

"The truth is conversation struggled for a while. We both loved movies, but different ones. We both liked sports, but different ones. We both were afraid of Geoge Bush, but different ones."

It was not just the age gap, i think he still thinks too much about the past. There's no future or blank page for him, though he informed me about some of his future plans, there are still some things he couldn't get over.

You know in the first dates, people mostly talk about whatever they like. He mostly told me the things he didn't like. He talked too much about his exes.

And also, though i thought i knew him well, because we have many common friends, it turned out that he had two kids. It was still ok for me until he said he hadn't seen them for years. I've actually seen my father in him.
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #59 on: February 22, 2012, 05:15:32 PM »

It didn't work for us. I don't know. I'll just make a quotation from Ally McBeal to summarize our first date;

"The truth is conversation struggled for a while. We both loved movies, but different ones. We both liked sports, but different ones. We both were afraid of Geoge Bush, but different ones."

It was not just the age gap, i think he still thinks too much about the past. There's no future or blank page for him, though he informed me about some of his future plans, there are still some things he couldn't get over.

You know in the first dates, people mostly talk about whatever they like. He mostly told me the things he didn't like. He talked too much about his exes.

And also, though i thought i knew him well, because we have many common friends, it turned out that he had two kids. It was still ok for me until he said he hadn't seen them for years. I've actually seen my father in him.
aw well darling, you'll find MUCH MUCH better, don't worry.  :)
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #60 on: February 22, 2012, 05:24:45 PM »

It didn't work for us. I don't know. I'll just make a quotation from Ally McBeal to summarize our first date;

"The truth is conversation struggled for a while. We both loved movies, but different ones. We both liked sports, but different ones. We both were afraid of Geoge Bush, but different ones."

It was not just the age gap, i think he still thinks too much about the past. There's no future or blank page for him, though he informed me about some of his future plans, there are still some things he couldn't get over.

You know in the first dates, people mostly talk about whatever they like. He mostly told me the things he didn't like. He talked too much about his exes.

And also, though i thought i knew him well, because we have many common friends, it turned out that he had two kids. It was still ok for me until he said he hadn't seen them for years. I've actually seen my father in him.
aw well darling, you'll find MUCH MUCH better, don't worry.  :)

Sylviee, grazie molte  :) i'm not worried whether i will or not. I gave up thinking about it, i guess it's a matter of right time right place and right person.

And i'm glad because he had been honest with me, at least.
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #61 on: February 22, 2012, 06:16:42 PM »

It didn't work for us. I don't know. I'll just make a quotation from Ally McBeal to summarize our first date;

"The truth is conversation struggled for a while. We both loved movies, but different ones. We both liked sports, but different ones. We both were afraid of Geoge Bush, but different ones."

It was not just the age gap, i think he still thinks too much about the past. There's no future or blank page for him, though he informed me about some of his future plans, there are still some things he couldn't get over.

You know in the first dates, people mostly talk about whatever they like. He mostly told me the things he didn't like. He talked too much about his exes.

And also, though i thought i knew him well, because we have many common friends, it turned out that he had two kids. It was still ok for me until he said he hadn't seen them for years. I've actually seen my father in him.
aw well darling, you'll find MUCH MUCH better, don't worry.  :)

Sylviee, grazie molte  :) i'm not worried whether i will or not. I gave up thinking about it, i guess it's a matter of right time right place and right person.

And i'm glad because he had been honest with me, at least.
(( i know it's not the right thread, but very quietly, hence the parenthesis, how is it going with your bosses? are they treating you better? ))
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #62 on: February 22, 2012, 07:12:50 PM »

It didn't work for us. I don't know. I'll just make a quotation from Ally McBeal to summarize our first date;

"The truth is conversation struggled for a while. We both loved movies, but different ones. We both liked sports, but different ones. We both were afraid of Geoge Bush, but different ones."

It was not just the age gap, i think he still thinks too much about the past. There's no future or blank page for him, though he informed me about some of his future plans, there are still some things he couldn't get over.

You know in the first dates, people mostly talk about whatever they like. He mostly told me the things he didn't like. He talked too much about his exes.

And also, though i thought i knew him well, because we have many common friends, it turned out that he had two kids. It was still ok for me until he said he hadn't seen them for years. I've actually seen my father in him.
aw well darling, you'll find MUCH MUCH better, don't worry.  :)

Sylviee, grazie molte  :) i'm not worried whether i will or not. I gave up thinking about it, i guess it's a matter of right time right place and right person.

And i'm glad because he had been honest with me, at least.
(( i know it's not the right thread, but very quietly, hence the parenthesis, how is it going with your bosses? are they treating you better? ))

(the way they've been treating me since the talk is far better. and it's going really well. i could never imagine it. i guess, me raising my voice and emphasizing how sick and tired i was of their rude behavious, took them by surprise. it's as if they're new people at the office haha)
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #63 on: March 01, 2012, 05:43:41 PM »

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #64 on: March 01, 2012, 06:40:25 PM »

got it bad, got it bad, got it bad:     http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/03/01/10549926-calif-teacher-resigns-after-leaving-family-for-student
Yeah, they're gonna be soooo happy together....
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #65 on: March 01, 2012, 08:00:13 PM »

ya never know...years ago, my HS trig teacher married a girl a year younger than me.

She'd apparently taken his class in her junior year. then, after she graduated a year later, she waited until the regular school year (our seniors finish their year a couple of weeks before the underclassmen) ended. she showed up in the teachers' parking lot on the last day of classes and waited for him to come out to his car. she asked him out, a year or two later they were married and, last I heard (4 or 5 years ago) they were still together.

 :love3:

I wouldn't lay good odds on these two, however.

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #66 on: March 02, 2012, 01:58:26 AM »

got it bad, got it bad, got it bad:     http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/03/01/10549926-calif-teacher-resigns-after-leaving-family-for-student

I think there's a quite a lot more there than the age difference that's complicating things!

In my sister's school, though, there was apparently a young single teacher who met a girl whilst teaching her. They didn't do anything out of bounds of the regular teacher-student relationship, though they were friendly. After she graduated, they kept in touch, got to know each other better, and ended up together. I don't know if they stayed together for a long time -my sister hasn't been in her school for 10 years so a lot might've changed... But that I think is still "acceptable" whilst the above seems dubious because of the lies and the guy leaving his family.
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #67 on: March 02, 2012, 08:28:56 AM »

well my current gf was a university professor of mine... though we never spoke when she was still my professor, and i met months later at a gay bar,
and then i think i've bore you all enough already with all the endeavors :p
 
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #68 on: March 02, 2012, 01:34:53 PM »

oh syl.....I have dated TWO of my ex art teachers in the past!
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #69 on: March 02, 2012, 02:17:10 PM »

oh syl.....I have dated TWO of my ex art teachers in the past!
i hope you mean at the same time!  O0
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #70 on: March 04, 2012, 05:37:48 PM »

i'm actually limerent for someone in her early 20's (i'm 15)
(it's unrequited. plus age so i won't ever tell her... yay)

in general, if the relationship's between consenting adults, i don't give a fuck about their age difference(s)

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #71 on: March 05, 2012, 11:25:20 AM »

the older you both get the less of a difference age makes.
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #72 on: March 05, 2012, 12:52:41 PM »

the older you both get the less of a difference age makes.
yeah, and i do think there's just an immense gap between highschool and after highschool, not matter how mature the person might be....
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #73 on: March 08, 2012, 01:47:47 AM »

I dated a girl fifteen years younger than me in 2005.
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #74 on: March 08, 2012, 02:01:03 AM »

I dated a girl fifteen years younger than me in 2005.
Just fifteen?  [counts on fingers]
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #75 on: March 25, 2012, 02:44:10 PM »

the older you both get the less of a difference age makes.
yeah, and i do think there's just an immense gap between highschool and after highschool, not matter how mature the person might be....

I agree... I have met plenty of high school kids who thought of themselves as being much more mature than normal for their age but zero who actually are.  They all have strong emotions that they don't understand at all.  Most people become adults somewhere in their 20's and if two adults want to date it's their business.
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #76 on: March 25, 2012, 04:41:49 PM »

the older you both get the less of a difference age makes.
yeah, and i do think there's just an immense gap between highschool and after highschool, not matter how mature the person might be....

I agree... I have met plenty of high school kids who thought of themselves as being much more mature than normal for their age but zero who actually are.  They all have strong emotions that they don't understand at all.  Most people become adults somewhere in their 20's and if two adults want to date it's their business.
yeah, but also in a very practical way... like, they have to do HOMEWORK and go to school everyday and I just think they're way too much at a ''classroom'' stage...

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #77 on: April 06, 2012, 10:05:23 AM »

Gah the boy I'm almost going out with is 15. I'm 17. Is that bad?
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #78 on: April 06, 2012, 10:26:59 AM »

Gah the boy I'm almost going out with is 15. I'm 17. Is that bad?

I was still 15 when my first gf turned 17, so I wouldn't think so.

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #79 on: April 07, 2012, 10:59:50 AM »

a 15 year old friend of mine is dating an 18 year old, and my 21 year old sister is dating her former professor, who's 29. both of those seem acceptable to me. (my friend and her girlfriend aren't having sex. i'd probably feel differently if they were. weird.)
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #80 on: April 07, 2012, 01:59:05 PM »

a 15 year old friend of mine is dating an 18 year old, and my 21 year old sister is dating her former professor, who's 29. both of those seem acceptable to me. (my friend and her girlfriend aren't having sex. i'd probably feel differently if they were. weird.)


Hmm. I don't know these people so it's obviously hard for me to judge, but with the 15 and 18 year old I think the fact they're not having sex makes it a lot more acceptable. As for your sister and her old professor, I think the age there isn't a problem at all, but it raises questions about how their relationship began - obviously as long as it was after he stopped teaching her then it's fine. Like I said though, I don't know the people involved, and I think a lot of this discussion centres on the maturity of the individuals involved once you're past a sort of acceptable base-line age for sexual behaviour. Obviously it doesn't matter how mature a ten year old is for their age, they should not be doing anything sexual with anyone, much less someone a lot older than them. But once you get to, I suppose I'd say about 16 or 17 but that's just my opinion, then it becomes about maturity.
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #81 on: April 07, 2012, 08:45:58 PM »

got it bad, got it bad, got it bad:     http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/03/01/10549926-calif-teacher-resigns-after-leaving-family-for-student

bloom's off of that rose:   http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/04/07/11075770-teen-student-jordan-powers-dumps-ex-teacher-christopher-hooker-after-his-arrest?lite

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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #82 on: April 08, 2012, 12:39:03 AM »

got it bad, got it bad, got it bad:     http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/03/01/10549926-calif-teacher-resigns-after-leaving-family-for-student

bloom's off of that rose:   http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/04/07/11075770-teen-student-jordan-powers-dumps-ex-teacher-christopher-hooker-after-his-arrest?lite
I'm shocked...

I really thought those two had something special........
(At least I'm sure that's what he said while she was hoovering his johnson in the supply closet...)
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #83 on: April 08, 2012, 04:52:46 AM »

Gah the boy I'm almost going out with is 15. I'm 17. Is that bad?
you're both young'uns  :love5:
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Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #84 on: April 13, 2012, 06:07:06 PM »

Gah the boy I'm almost going out with is 15. I'm 17. Is that bad?
you're both young'uns  :love5:
Still feel like a little bit of a pedophile though.
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