THESHADOWBOX.NET

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  

News:

Itching to see Amanda in concert? Visit the tour page to see if she's playing a city near you!

Pages: 1 2 3 [4] 5 6  All   Go Down

Author Topic: Acceptable age difference  (Read 16209 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

CeeGBee

  • Too o-o-old to rock & ro-o-oll, but too young to die...
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 18563
    • Facebook, website, what's the dif?
Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #45 on: July 30, 2010, 01:58:11 PM »

Benjamin Zephaniah is older than my dad! WHAT THE FUCK! He's still a sexy bastard though ;)
Well it's definitely a very different situation to see a remote figure (say, a celebrity, politician,
magazine model... poet?...) and say wow, that person't hot! versus actually being in a relationship
and having to deal with his/her whole-person - attitudes, personality, beliefs, experiences....

For example, hypothetically:
This person is really attractive...  (and I like her TV show, Warehouse 13...)

...but she's about 20... 

Me & her?  Probably wouldn't work, even if she found me physically attractive too.
Now, if I did meet her, and she seemed interested, I wouldn't reject her outright just
for being young, but she'd have to have something pretty exceptional going on in
her mind before I'd let things get too, um, complicated....
[Oh, and my brain's 'relationship center' would have to be a lot less F'd up, but I suppose that could happen with the right stimulus....  maybe.]

Does this, in any way, reduce the "she's hot" factor?  Nope, cuz I just see her on TV.
Logged
Is it bad that what she said made perfect sense to me?

Indja

  • wants my
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 16282
  • Go, Joe, GO!
Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #46 on: July 30, 2010, 02:11:50 PM »

...I think I could be in a relationship with Benjamin Zephaniah. I like the way older people think way more than the way young people do, and they always have so much better stories to tell xD Besides, he seems a forward-thinking kinda dude, I don't think he's old in the same way my dad's old (i.e, grouchy, miserable, tedious and hates everything). He does do a lot of exercise and looking after himself and stuff, which I think I'd get bored of....
Logged

Savannah

  • Ich Bin Ein
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Female
  • Posts: 2646
  • Accidentally on purpose
Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #47 on: January 28, 2012, 06:53:55 AM »

I was about to open a new topic for this subject unless i found it in grey matters section.

Anyway, there's this guy who wants to date me, well in a "serious and long time relationship" way He's good, handsome and he also seems to be intelligent.
The only problem is, he is 20 years my senior.
Looking at the good examples such as AFP & Neil G., i say to myself, well, age difference should not matter that much.

But thinking about how old he will be for example when i turn 35, i feel sad and confused.
Well, now some of you guys may ask, "why do you bother so much, isn't it just a date?".

While i'm still feeling a bit confused about being his date, he spilled the beans yesterday and told me he'd like to get married soonish.

So if i say nevermind and decide to go steady with him, it will probably be a huge and serious step. And i am so confused and scared shitless :-\


Edit: It turned out that the age difference between us is 19, not 20, lol.
Logged
Quote from: Amanda Palmer
I mean, we're losers with bandwidth. #LOFNOTC

facebook is like the worst book I've ever read. the characters do not evolve one bit and the plot is going nowhere.

slyvia k

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Posts: 6928
Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #48 on: January 28, 2012, 07:31:39 AM »

I was about to open a new topic for this subject unless i found it in grey matters section.

Anyway, there's this guy who wants to date me, well in a "serious and long time relationship" way He's good, handsome and he also seems to be intelligent.
The only problem is, he is 20 years my senior.
Looking at the good examples such as AFP & Neil G., i say to myself, well, age difference should not matter that much.

But thinking about how old he will be for example when i turn 35, i feel sad and confused.
Well, now some of you guys may ask, "why do you bother so much, isn't it just a date?".

While i'm still feeling a bit confused about being his date, he spilled the beans yesterday and told me he'd like to get married soonish.

So if i say nevermind and decide to go steady with him, it will probably be a huge and serious step. And i am so confused and scared shitless :-\

ok so, let's see...Isn't the actual issue the fact he's going really fast?
How long have you know him for? If it isn't for long, I suggest you might get to know him a bit better...
marriage is indeed a big step. and generally such a big commitment can be scary and confusing, even though you really like the other person...I think it's normal...

but if that's not what's bothering you and it's only the age thing...well yeah, give some thought to that too. like, how comfortable do you feel around him?
do you have things in common? could you see yourself living with him...?
I think those things are much more important that age. because if someone is your age and you don't have anything in common, well, it's much worse.
the only thing to consider is you might be in different life stages, but here comes the art of compromise! if things get more serious, you should probably have a talk to see if you are compatible on major issues...suppose you really want kids and he feels he's too old for that...those are things he won't change his mind on,
so it's best to know beforehand, but otherwise...
and again, it comes down to maturity... i think the only times it could be a bit awkward is if a 50 year old is dating a silly 20 year old and you know, stuff like going out with friends or meeting the family can be awkward... but it definitely wouldn't be your case, as you're anything but silly, my dear!

my girlfriend is only 8 years my senior but since we were in really different life stages (like, me studying uni, she teaching at uni, blabla) it took her a lot of time to cope with it and to accept that it was ok for us to have a different amount of experience (obviously she having had much more experience than i).

not sure I helped but...just don't freak out :) think about it but don't overthink it or it will become a problem and right now it isn't... ;)
Logged

Savannah

  • Ich Bin Ein
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Female
  • Posts: 2646
  • Accidentally on purpose
Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #49 on: January 28, 2012, 08:04:47 AM »

I was about to open a new topic for this subject unless i found it in grey matters section.

Anyway, there's this guy who wants to date me, well in a "serious and long time relationship" way He's good, handsome and he also seems to be intelligent.
The only problem is, he is 20 years my senior.
Looking at the good examples such as AFP & Neil G., i say to myself, well, age difference should not matter that much.

But thinking about how old he will be for example when i turn 35, i feel sad and confused.
Well, now some of you guys may ask, "why do you bother so much, isn't it just a date?".

While i'm still feeling a bit confused about being his date, he spilled the beans yesterday and told me he'd like to get married soonish.

So if i say nevermind and decide to go steady with him, it will probably be a huge and serious step. And i am so confused and scared shitless :-\

ok so, let's see...Isn't the actual issue the fact he's going really fast?
How long have you know him for? If it isn't for long, I suggest you might get to know him a bit better...
marriage is indeed a big step. and generally such a big commitment can be scary and confusing, even though you really like the other person...I think it's normal...

but if that's not what's bothering you and it's only the age thing...well yeah, give some thought to that too. like, how comfortable do you feel around him?
do you have things in common? could you see yourself living with him...?
I think those things are much more important that age. because if someone is your age and you don't have anything in common, well, it's much worse.
the only thing to consider is you might be in different life stages, but here comes the art of compromise! if things get more serious, you should probably have a talk to see if you are compatible on major issues...suppose you really want kids and he feels he's too old for that...those are things he won't change his mind on,
so it's best to know beforehand, but otherwise...
and again, it comes down to maturity... i think the only times it could be a bit awkward is if a 50 year old is dating a silly 20 year old and you know, stuff like going out with friends or meeting the family can be awkward... but it definitely wouldn't be your case, as you're anything but silly, my dear!

my girlfriend is only 8 years my senior but since we were in really different life stages (like, me studying uni, she teaching at uni, blabla) it took her a lot of time to cope with it and to accept that it was ok for us to have a different amount of experience (obviously she having had much more experience than i).

not sure I helped but...just don't freak out :) think about it but don't overthink it or it will become a problem and right now it isn't... ;)

Sylvieee <3 Thank you soooo much, i really need some advice and your help means a LOT to me.

Because you know, opening such a subject, must people are like "Errrm", or they respond with a huge prejudice.
I can't blame him for acting so fast because he really wants a family. His mum and dad have died a very long time ago, and since then as far as i could understand he had spent most of his time on his career. He's a doctor and i guess, inside such a big crowd of people, he feels lonely. Most of his friends are and childrened, once he told me that he had felt terribly lonely while he's home.
As for how long i know him, well i guess i know him for years from the hospital, but we've been getting to know eachother better for 2-3 months. We have some things in common, for example we both like going out a lot, we both smoke, we both have similiar thoughts about politics, etc. And i guess i like him being around me because, he makes me feel peaceful and happy.
I'm asking myself if i'd like to have him as a date, but can't find the right answer because of the confusion caused by the age gap. Well then i think, if i really felt that excited or happy, then the age gap wouldn't bother me. And it's getting bigger in my head  :-\
You are so right about the difference in the life stages. The matter is, i don't want to have kids before i turn 30 something. But he doesn't have that much time and he loves kids, so i suppose he wants to have kids in the next 2-3 years.
Thank you for saying i'm not silly, well i think i may be a little from time to time :buck2: Regarding the maturity, i guess the way i feel and behave is a little more grown up and settled than my peers. It does not bother me a lot for now, but who can say that it won't change 10 years later. Maybe he will rather staying home and watching TV while i'll be craving for a night out. And maybe he'll get jealous by that. But isn't it a problem between some peer couples too?
I've always thought that marriage is a very big and serious deal and people should not try to get involved before their relationship is settled.
I'm freaked out most probably because i'm terrible at making decisions quickly. And that i feel like something beautiful might happen between us but it may take a little longer time, but he's not that patient.

I guess now, as you said, another issue is he's going fast.
Logged
Quote from: Amanda Palmer
I mean, we're losers with bandwidth. #LOFNOTC

facebook is like the worst book I've ever read. the characters do not evolve one bit and the plot is going nowhere.

lentower

  • if you see me at a show (or elsewhere), please come over & say hi
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Posts: 10434
  • this is a real photo of me. thanks sheri hausey!
    • len's web sight
Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #50 on: January 28, 2012, 08:18:37 AM »

Syl:  

Eight years from now,
your experience difference with your gf will be much less ; - }



Savannah:

I agree with Syl that he's going too fast.
(men in Turkey may be different than here in the USA or in Italy).

And everything else she said.

You might want to do a little web searching for the major issues.
They are the same for good marriages, and divorce.
Compatible money usage/styles is another one.
How long to wait to start a family is a minor issue.

Dating awhile, may be the best way to find out.
Among other things,
you'll find how you feel with him among family and friends,
and out in public.
Also how you each deal with compromising.

Also meet his family long before you get engaged,
and he meet yours.

We're here for you!
The Punch Cabaret is Freedom.
Logged
getting started:
BOX-RULES (please read...

further back:
Our forum before this one...

slyvia k

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Posts: 6928
Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #51 on: January 28, 2012, 08:51:33 AM »

I don't think you can make such an important decision (such as, I'll be with you forever) without even a date... honey you say he's not patient but maybe you should talk about it a bit? tell him you know and understand his needs but that feeling this pressured might ruin it all before it even started...?

indeed maybe as Len said there are some cultural differences that we're not thinking of... I mean if you go out with him a bit and then find out he's not your cup of tea, would it be bad to break up with him? I mean bad not for him, but seen from society...

eventually you just have to be happy though and I think you cannot feel like giving something up (even if it's just worries, like the ''going out'' part or having kids sooner) for someone you don't even know THAT well...

hugs, arkadas'm (i had actually learnt a single sentence in turkish ages ago... but anyhow i have no idea how to spell it, this should be ''my friend''? )  :love5:
Logged

imaginary friend

  • Enigmagnetic
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Posts: 14904
  • up in flames
Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #52 on: January 28, 2012, 10:50:53 AM »

kick him to the curb, Savannah. no sane person talks about marriage - even in the abstract - before they've been on the 1st date with the person they're attracted to.

Savannah

  • Ich Bin Ein
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Female
  • Posts: 2646
  • Accidentally on purpose
Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #53 on: January 28, 2012, 12:04:23 PM »

Thank you guys, you all are awesome  :headbang: :headbang: :headbang:

@Len: Men are not that different, but yeah maybe there are some cultural and social differences. For example, most people still take a dim view of living together, there are many couples doing that, but most people tend to get married after 1 year or so of dating/living together.
I don't even think about getting married(at least in the next 3-4 years), i like our relationship this way. But if i take a step and say yes to going steady, i'm afraid he will take it more serious than he should.
Starting a relationship with such a huge and distant aim is what bothers me, and yeah the age gap is also confusing.

@Sylvie: O0 Yes, i'll definitely do what you say. I'll go to first date and at the first moment he starts talking about these serious stuff, i'll tell him that i need more time to talk about these things and it's impossible for me to take such a big step before i get to know him better.

In general, people break up without having any difficulties, in Turkey. I've already dated and broken up with a couple of guys, so that's not something that i can not do. It's just, i don't want to waste his time on me with vain hopes, before i feel ready for further. And i guess i can tell him as you suggested. I'm not ready for that, and if his aim is being with me rather than getting married, i think he'll understand it. If it's no big deal for him, i won't feel like hurried along.

As for your sentence, it is perfect, thanks and hugs, mia amica :love5:

@imaginary friend: As i told above, i'll tell him i'm not ready. If he's ok with dating, he should not bother for that. But if his only aim is to get married, well then that can be any other girl too, so i guess we will go our separate ways.

Age gap still worries me but there's only one way to understand if it really matters; if he's ok for dating a little longer than he had planned, i'll giva a chance to this relationship and see it myself.
Logged
Quote from: Amanda Palmer
I mean, we're losers with bandwidth. #LOFNOTC

facebook is like the worst book I've ever read. the characters do not evolve one bit and the plot is going nowhere.

CottonCandy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Female
  • Posts: 635
Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #54 on: January 30, 2012, 02:10:51 AM »

It sounds to me he's in a life stage where he has suddenly decided to settle down and the person doesn't have to be perfect as long as they're good enough... I instead would like to see someone for a longer time to find out they are really the type I want to settle down with and that takes time. I want to see how we deal with big differences in opinions now, rather than when we're married. I mean, if he wants kids soon too, how well do you agree on raising them? I suppose your career isn't as settled as his, will he support you in building it or does he want a housewife or sorts? Those are big, big questions for me!

Age difference doesn't matter that much if you're both on the same page as others have said -but I suppose the bigger the age gap gets the more difficult it may be to find common ground (or meet people much older/younger in the first place!), so I suppose that's why big age gaps are rarer.
Logged

Savannah

  • Ich Bin Ein
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Female
  • Posts: 2646
  • Accidentally on purpose
Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #55 on: January 30, 2012, 02:44:30 AM »

It sounds to me he's in a life stage where he has suddenly decided to settle down and the person doesn't have to be perfect as long as they're good enough... I instead would like to see someone for a longer time to find out they are really the type I want to settle down with and that takes time. I want to see how we deal with big differences in opinions now, rather than when we're married. I mean, if he wants kids soon too, how well do you agree on raising them? I suppose your career isn't as settled as his, will he support you in building it or does he want a housewife or sorts? Those are big, big questions for me!

Age difference doesn't matter that much if you're both on the same page as others have said -but I suppose the bigger the age gap gets the more difficult it may be to find common ground (or meet people much older/younger in the first place!), so I suppose that's why big age gaps are rarer.

A housewife? No, that's not me. And everybody around me knows how busy and hard i work everyday.
As for my career, yeah it's not settled because i still have qustions in my mind whether i should stick to the trade business or get back to ELT. And each day there's a probability that i may have to quit this place and start working for another company. And of course looking for a job may take some time too, though i keep getting offers and making job interviews, pretty often.

He also knows about these. But i don't know what he thinks about.

And as i told above, i'm not ready to take such a big step in such a short term.
I still haven't met him as a date, and i haven't even told him whether i'd meet him or not. Sometimes i think i should not. But then again i think it might be unfair refusing him on the phone. And maybe it will be helpful to tell him what a big gamble it is to committing such a serious relationship with somebody before even knowing them.

Times has changed and relationships are not like they used to be 50-60 years ago. To me, today a woman have a profession even if she doesn't have to support herself, there's no guarantee for the relationships or family inheritances.

I also have some trust issues and bias caused by the broken marriage of my parents. I'm not saying 'god,no!' to marriage, but i also think it should be the decision of two people who know and love eachother pretty well. As i told in my above posts, if it's me in the picture in his mind, he has to understand it will take time.
Logged
Quote from: Amanda Palmer
I mean, we're losers with bandwidth. #LOFNOTC

facebook is like the worst book I've ever read. the characters do not evolve one bit and the plot is going nowhere.

Mr. Leave Me Alone

  • Cake Sex Riot
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Female
  • Posts: 4275
  • 'Agent of mirth'
    • Blog.
Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #56 on: January 30, 2012, 06:34:19 AM »

Johnny and I have a pretty wide gap between our ages.
I guess the fact that I'm going out with him at all probably has a lot to do with the fact that even though I was scared of telling my mum for a long time, I knew she'd be fine with it in the end because when I was born, my Mum had just turned 18 and my Dad was 27 and she would know pretty well that what she does is kind of what I reference when I make my decisions (which is pretty normal, as far as I'm aware, even if I've just phrased it REALLY weirdly).
I think that Johnny and I work alright because I'm fairly mature (Johnny would disagree but...he's a pest, so his opinion does not count.) and he's not some guy who wears suits and carries a briefcase and wants a wife and 27 kids right now, right this second, or else.
My Mum and Dad didn't work out though, because in the end, despite being around 9-10 years younger than him, he was far less mature than she was. I'd say he still is. He's not a bad guy, but that's why that ended. My Mum's ex-husband who she left a couple of years ago...I think that they had something like 13 years between them. They were really sweet together when it was working but then...from what I saw, alcohol seems to have ruined that one.

Mostly I don't care about age gaps unless it's one of those things where some 20 year old bimbo marries a millionaire 90 year old or when you can see that someone is clearly being taken advantage of in some other way. Or when it's just generally creepy and gross.

SO MANY WORDS, SO LITTLE MEANING WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Logged
Guns N' Roses are red, violets are funny...

Unbreakable toys are useful for breaking other toys.

I witnessed the Cake Sex Riot-4/3/12. Pray for me.
☑✝
☒♀+cake

Blue Canary

  • You can't ignore my techno
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Female
  • Posts: 1779
Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #57 on: February 05, 2012, 10:06:49 PM »

I don't really mind age gaps because I think a lot of it has to do with maturity of the personality. I think an 18-year-old and a 27-year-old can be just fine if they can understand that they're in different places in their lives and are willing to work through that. I also think that two people who are very close in age can be a complete disaster. Physical age is mostly unimportant in relationships. Unless it's like you know, and adult with an underage child. But that's an entirely different ballpark.
Logged
You should totally barf on all their dicks. I will help.

Savannah

  • Ich Bin Ein
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Female
  • Posts: 2646
  • Accidentally on purpose
Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #58 on: February 22, 2012, 05:04:40 PM »

It didn't work for us. I don't know. I'll just make a quotation from Ally McBeal to summarize our first date;

"The truth is conversation struggled for a while. We both loved movies, but different ones. We both liked sports, but different ones. We both were afraid of Geoge Bush, but different ones."

It was not just the age gap, i think he still thinks too much about the past. There's no future or blank page for him, though he informed me about some of his future plans, there are still some things he couldn't get over.

You know in the first dates, people mostly talk about whatever they like. He mostly told me the things he didn't like. He talked too much about his exes.

And also, though i thought i knew him well, because we have many common friends, it turned out that he had two kids. It was still ok for me until he said he hadn't seen them for years. I've actually seen my father in him.
Logged
Quote from: Amanda Palmer
I mean, we're losers with bandwidth. #LOFNOTC

facebook is like the worst book I've ever read. the characters do not evolve one bit and the plot is going nowhere.

slyvia k

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Posts: 6928
Re: Acceptable age difference
« Reply #59 on: February 22, 2012, 05:15:32 PM »

It didn't work for us. I don't know. I'll just make a quotation from Ally McBeal to summarize our first date;

"The truth is conversation struggled for a while. We both loved movies, but different ones. We both liked sports, but different ones. We both were afraid of Geoge Bush, but different ones."

It was not just the age gap, i think he still thinks too much about the past. There's no future or blank page for him, though he informed me about some of his future plans, there are still some things he couldn't get over.

You know in the first dates, people mostly talk about whatever they like. He mostly told me the things he didn't like. He talked too much about his exes.

And also, though i thought i knew him well, because we have many common friends, it turned out that he had two kids. It was still ok for me until he said he hadn't seen them for years. I've actually seen my father in him.
aw well darling, you'll find MUCH MUCH better, don't worry.  :)
Logged
Pages: 1 2 3 [4] 5 6  All   Go Up