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Author Topic: completely besotted with older, straight woman - ahhh, please, please help?!  (Read 3415 times)

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A Menina De Flor

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okay, so i joined the board a little while ago, disappeared off the face of the earth for a slightly longer while, and now i'm back, and wondered if anyone could find it in their heart to lend an ear & offer me some advice...?

firstly apologies - i find it quite hard to speak about this stuff / sex and relationships in general, so sorry for what might be a bit of an erratic entry!

so, i am 20 years old and a university student in the uk. i suppose if i am totally and utterly honest with myself, i am either lesbian or bisexual. however, this scares me A LOT (mainly a fear of people disapproving & abandoning me i think) and i have been trying to keep these feeling hidden away out of sight since i was about 11ish. however, i have recently started going to counselling sessions, which are forcing me to think about every aspect of my life - including the sexuality concerns.

i am slowly trying to accept the feelings i have about women, but as i'm sure you can appreciate, this is quite a slow process.

however, perhaps a more immediate worry is that i have is this 'crush' (for want of a better word) on an older, straight woman. although i could go into quite a lot of detail about what led to me falling for her, i think it basically boils down to the following:

- she's really easy to talk to - i can be a bit of an awkward person yet she's so bubbly & positive that i rarely feel like this around her

- we have shared interests and a similar, silly sense of humour

- we're friends essentially, but this means that if she makes fun of me, or sends me a text saying her horse is missing me when i'm away, or that she hasn't seen me for ages etc etc, it feels like she cares, like she's flirting (like it would feel if she were a male i didn’t know that well acting in this way i suppose), but she's not - she's straight and she's just being a friend but i misinterpret this because of how i feel about her

- she's outside of my uni, work, social circle etc, so i think when i met her i wasn't my normal, guarded self (which i suppose is my kind of denial / self-preservation mechanism of making sure i don't develop crushes on friends / people at uni etc - a way of keeping any lesbian feelings completely hidden so that i feel safe...) and allowed myself to develop feelings for her before i even realised what was happening

- and there's definitely a physical attraction there tooo!

so i can understand why i feel this way about her, but it doesn't make it any less ridiculous! i'm 20, she's 36, she's actively seeking a relationship with a man.... it's never going to go anywhere however much i'd like that to be different!

but knowing all of this doesn't help me much because i'm quite besotted with her! she is permanently on my mind. whenever i'm sad or stressed it's her i want to speak to (which is partly because she is amazing & reeeally good at talking things through in a way that makes you feel much better, but also because of my feelings for her), whenever something makes me giggle it's her i want to share it with. a whole host of things like this.

there is also a very strong sexual side to this - i want to have sex with her. i want to be physically close enough to her to know what she smells like. to know what her mouth tastes like. close enough to just have the sensation of her body being realy close to mine & the kind of electricity that brings. i'm sure you get the picture without me needing to continue. i want to wake up next to her in the morning, come home to her in the evening. ETCETERA.

the other side of all of this is that i've never actually had a proper relationship with a man or a woman, never actually 'gone further' sexually than kissing someone. i don't know, it always felt like SUCH a big deal. the 'lesbian dilemma' was always at the back of my mind every time there was a man on the horizon. and however suitable the potential man seemed - ie. if i described them on paper they'd tick most of the write boxes for someone i should like / 'my ideal man' or whatever - i'd always find some tiny fault with them and go right off them (if there were even any feelings there to start with!). and the 'am i a lesbian?' question was always there, so it felt wrong to start a heterosexual relationship if i actually wasn't that bothered and was actually just a big fat non-heterosexual fraud. potentially. so i never really had boyfriends, and never had sex with anyone. and as i think  already mentioned, girlfriends / lesbianism was just wayy to scary to even think about. until more recently.

so in essence, although i have really, really strong and real-feeling feelings for this woman, there's also an element of "how can i know what i want if i've never tried either option?!". ahhhh!

any advice anyone could give me on any of this, but especially, especially how i feel about this woman, would be VERY gratefully received!!!!!
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Cheddars Cousin

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Hit it and quit it!

JohnnyDBBUK

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Age doesn't really matter.
If she is straight you should not attempt anything.
Put it down to a heavy crush and move on to someone new (if possible)


CeeGBee

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Age doesn't really matter.
If she is straight you should not attempt anything.
Put it down to a heavy crush and move on to someone new (if possible)

Seconded...



On the bright side, it sounds like (to use the literary cliché) you don't let anyone in.....
...and this one time you weren't all locked up inside, you found someone who appeals
to you.  Maybe if you allowed yourself, you could find someone closer/more-available?

Best of luck.   :)
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overratedtoejam

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if there's any piece of advice i can give you it's DON'T FUCK WITH STRAIGHT GIRLS. seriously, i've gotten my heart crushed too many times in very similar situations to yours. it sucks, and i'm actually going through it again and it's really painful. don't have hope, cause it won't happen. just wait for someone you know is a lesbean O0
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JohnnyDBBUK

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if there's any piece of advice i can give you it's DON'T FUCK WITH STRAIGHT GIRLS. just wait for someone you know is a lesbean O0
[/quote



QFE and it would only add to the negative vibe some straight girls/guys have to gay people.
oh NO! the scary gay person is going to  bum me etc.

you know the usual crap some people say.
Example: I went to an all boys school and we showered after P.E in a communal shower and they all used to shout at the guy everyone thought was gay
"oh fuck [persons name] is coming into the shower dont drop the soap - run! argh gayboys coming in etc

In their teenage minds it was like gay men wanted to arse rape all the straight guys they could find just because they were gay or try to convert everyone.
people can be so paranoid/ridiculous.

it's all down to mutual respect for a persons chosen sexuality in the end. no matter how hot they are.
then again if they come to you and like you and switch to Bi then that's a different story :)

overratedtoejam

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if there's any piece of advice i can give you it's DON'T FUCK WITH STRAIGHT GIRLS. just wait for someone you know is a lesbean O0
[/quote



QFE and it would only add to the negative vibe some straight girls/guys have to gay people.
oh NO! the scary gay person is going to  bum me etc.

you know the usual crap some people say.
Example: I went to an all boys school and we showered after P.E in a communal shower and they all used to shout at the guy everyone thought was gay
"oh fuck [persons name] is coming into the shower dont drop the soap - run! argh gayboys coming in etc

In their teenage minds it was like gay men wanted to arse rape all the straight guys they could find just because they were gay or try to convert everyone.
people can be so paranoid/ridiculous.

it's all down to mutual respect for a persons chosen sexuality in the end. no matter how hot they are.
then again if they come to you and like you and switch to Bi then that's a different story :)


i didn't mean don't talk to straight girls, i meant don't be hopeful for a relationship. cause even if something does happen, it's very rare. just don't expect it.
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JohnnyDBBUK

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if there's any piece of advice i can give you it's DON'T FUCK WITH STRAIGHT GIRLS. just wait for someone you know is a lesbean O0
[/quote



QFE and it would only add to the negative vibe some straight girls/guys have to gay people.
oh NO! the scary gay person is going to  bum me etc.

you know the usual crap some people say.
Example: I went to an all boys school and we showered after P.E in a communal shower and they all used to shout at the guy everyone thought was gay
"oh fuck [persons name] is coming into the shower dont drop the soap - run! argh gayboys coming in etc

In their teenage minds it was like gay men wanted to arse rape all the straight guys they could find just because they were gay or try to convert everyone.
people can be so paranoid/ridiculous.

it's all down to mutual respect for a persons chosen sexuality in the end. no matter how hot they are.
then again if they come to you and like you and switch to Bi then that's a different story :)


i didn't mean don't talk to straight girls, i meant don't be hopeful for a relationship. cause even if something does happen, it's very rare. just don't expect it.

I didn't mean that either. I was just saying don't try to force it with straight girls because you will get hurt more than likely :)

CottonCandy

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I agree with above... If she is straight, don't try anything. It won't make her feel comfortable and you'll get your heart broken being rejected. If she knows you're bi/lesbian, and if she would want something more, she would have made the move already I think.

Like someone said, you've found someone you're comfortable and that's lovely, but if you'd open up to another person you might feel same feelings to someone else who might feel the same for you! You said you're in uni in UK... Might you have a LGBT club in your uni? We have one in mine and it's a very good way to connect and out yourself, discuss about your feelings with people who probably feel the same. :)
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absynth aura

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Might you have a LGBT club in your uni? We have one in mine and it's a very good way to connect and out yourself, discuss about your feelings with people who probably feel the same. :)

Slightly off topic. But we have this at my uni, and I've been thinking I might join it next year, but I'm still undecided. I'm of the mindset that I'm not the right type for that, although on the other hand, it might help me to become more open to people other than those closest to me...and I might meet some people.
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A Menina De Flor

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sorry for the ridiculously late reply & thanks thanks thanks for the responses everyone!!!

i tried to reply to each bit individually…

Hit it and quit it!
with all due respect, this is easy to say, but if i had a clue how to go about it i wouldn't be having a massive life-splurge on the internet, or in this mess in the first place...

Age doesn't really matter.
If she is straight you should not attempt anything.
Put it down to a heavy crush and move on to someone new (if possible)

i know, i know. easier said than done. i don't really know how to move on. any advice anyone has one this would be great??!!?

and i'm really not planning on jumping on the poor woman lol!
she's one of the few people i've told that i'm unsure about my sexuality, but i refrained from telling her it involved her.
i was debating telling her about this stupid crush, more because i think it might help me to face the flat out rejection than genuinely thinking it would result in a relationship, and because out of everyone i know i think she'd deal with it best & probably even be quite supportive... but it's reeeeally not her problem to deal with...



Age doesn't really matter.
If she is straight you should not attempt anything.
Put it down to a heavy crush and move on to someone new (if possible)

On the bright side, it sounds like (to use the literary cliché) you don't let anyone in.....
...and this one time you weren't all locked up inside, you found someone who appeals
to you.  Maybe if you allowed yourself, you could find someone closer/more-available?

Best of luck.   :)

Thanks. (:
Maybe, maybe.
Thank you for managing to find something positive in what feels to me like a big fat mess!
I don't want tp shout down your suggestions, & hope I don't come across as doing so, but I don't really know how to find people who aren't straight without 'coming out' fairly publicly, but I don't feel at all ready emotionally to do that right now, or stable enough to deal with the fallout.

if there's any piece of advice i can give you it's DON'T FUCK WITH STRAIGHT GIRLS. just wait for someone you know is a lesbean O0



QFE and it would only add to the negative vibe some straight girls/guys have to gay people.
oh NO! the scary gay person is going to  bum me etc.

you know the usual crap some people say.
Example: I went to an all boys school and we showered after P.E in a communal shower and they all used to shout at the guy everyone thought was gay
"oh fuck [persons name] is coming into the shower dont drop the soap - run! argh gayboys coming in etc

In their teenage minds it was like gay men wanted to arse rape all the straight guys they could find just because they were gay or try to convert everyone.
people can be so paranoid/ridiculous.

it's all down to mutual respect for a persons chosen sexuality in the end. no matter how hot they are.
then again if they come to you and like you and switch to Bi then that's a different story :)


i didn't mean don't talk to straight girls, i meant don't be hopeful for a relationship. cause even if something does happen, it's very rare. just don't expect it.

I didn't mean that either. I was just saying don't try to force it with straight girls because you will get hurt more than likely :)

again, i know. i'm not planning on 'trying anything' - whatever else i feel for her i value her friendship far too much to want to upset her!!
and the whole ridiculous attitude people have towards gay/bi people - i know exactly what you mean! it's a part of the reason i have been so scared of how i feel about women for so long i think!
and sadly, i think my flatmates feel this way about homosexuality tooo... :-\


Might you have a LGBT club in your uni? We have one in mine and it's a very good way to connect and out yourself, discuss about your feelings with people who probably feel the same. :)

Slightly off topic. But we have this at my uni, and I've been thinking I might join it next year, but I'm still undecided. I'm of the mindset that I'm not the right type for that, although on the other hand, it might help me to become more open to people other than those closest to me...and I might meet some people.

we doo have an LGBT club at my uni. and this is something i have considered.
the downside is that my uni is ridiculously small, female-dominated and extremely gossipy. the LGBT society has very few members, which worries me that by even attending one meeting i would end up being ‘outed’ / a subject of gossip, which i really don’t think i could deal with right now.
furthermore, the guy who is the president (or whatever)of the LGBT society is in my groupwork group, and whilst i don’t really know him, first impressions are that he is incredibly bitchy & gossipy – so doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence about the anonymity of going along to anything LGBT-related at uni…

and i completely get what you mean about being ‘not the right type’….
although maybe in your case, if it’s a bigger uni / doesn’t feel as much of a ‘scary’ thing to do… maybe it’s something you could go along to once & just see how it feels?


any advice anyone could give me on ‘moving on / getting over her’… that would be much appreciated!!!!
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A Menina De Flor

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aaand for some reason the quotes-thingy stopped working halfway through... couldn't see anything in the html as to why, so sorry for the confusingness at the end of the reply!!!
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You just missed a ] up there a bit, after overratedtoejam's comment.
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A Menina De Flor

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ah-ha! thanks - it works noww! (:
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