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[imaginary friend]

...so I was over at io9, and this article  http://io9.com/5807220/what-does-it-mean-if-you-dont-want-to-have-sex   has spawned (pardon the pun) a pretty decent conversation among the members there.

I'd like to know what you think.

#@!

[Savannah]

one of my closest friends had to divorce her husband because of his asexuality. she said she felt like raping him while they're having sex.
he couldn't get attracted, he knew the problem but hid it from her for a long time. they even had a child. i think he wanted to have a family or he got married just because of the social persecutions.

[Morpheus Laughing]

I’ve never really been interested in sex. I wouldn’t say I’m Asexual but I’ve never really found a good reason to pursue sexual intimacy + I’m not especially bothered about non-sexual intimate relationships either (hugs are good though). Even so, it’s obvious to me that I’m not completely oblivious to attractiveness because I’d sooner choose attention from a female than a male.

I sometimes think it might be the reason I’ve become disconnected from people (and consequently developed anxiety/depression etc.).  Sex is such a big part of other people’s lives in both direct and indirect ways that it seems to define people. The irony of it is that I'm not sure that I'd want to have the desire (especially after all this time). It does seem a little bit like a liability - almost like a drug addiction (which is why there are desperately lonely people out there).

I’d never say never to either type of intimacy but I can’t really see any reason to go looking for it considering that other people REALLY want it and REALLY seem to get a lot out of those experiences.

 

[Pandora]

Wow someone in the comments section of the article calls it a 'defect' or a 'disability'. I don't really think that's the case, although asexuality is definitely not the norm, there's nothing *wrong*  with it. The guy implies they're missing out on something that's important to their quality of life, but that's just not the case! If you don't want sex and you have it anyway it's not gonna improve your quality of life. I'm not asexual but my sex drive and attraction to people has completely disappeared over the last few years. I hope it comes back one day (I do want children and a partner one day) but for now I'm perfectly fine without sex. I don't miss it at all. Frankly, life without sex is a lot less complicated and a lot more relaxed for me.

[Morpheus Laughing]

^
I think that it can affect quality of life but it doesn’t have to. My possibly related ill-health/disconnectedness is partly due to a lack of common ground with peers & that is as much to do with their disproportional preoccupation with relationships/attractions/repulsions etc. It’s just an inadvertent exclusionism & Subcultures and interest groups can sometimes eliminate or lessen that problem.   

[Rosebud]

I don't know if I would consider myself asexual, as I'm able to recognize and appreciate someone's pulchritude or attractiveness, but sex/romantic relationships just don't interest me at all.
Honestly, given the choice between sex and grilled cheese, I'd go for the grilled cheese in a heartbeat. Marrying my ukulele seems more realistic to me than marrying a person.

[imaginary friend]

Wow someone in the comments section of the article calls it a 'defect' or a 'disability'. I don't really think that's the case, although asexuality is definitely not the norm, there's nothing *wrong*  with it. The guy implies they're missing out on something that's important to their quality of life, but that's just not the case! If you don't want sex and you have it anyway it's not gonna improve your quality of life. I'm not asexual but my sex drive and attraction to people has completely disappeared over the last few years. I hope it comes back one day (I do want children and a partner one day) but for now I'm perfectly fine without sex. I don't miss it at all. Frankly, life without sex is a lot less complicated and a lot more relaxed for me.

I didn't agree with him either, but I could understand where he was coming from.

#@!

[Agonistes]

i think 'asexual' is a misnomer, but i get the concept.  what i have never managed to understand is, would someone who considers themselves asexual masturbate, or is their life completely without sexual stimulation of any kind?  i'm sure both sides of the coin exist, but it would seem that someone who isn't interested in sex with others but still self-pleases is not the same sort of asexual we're talking about, who can just basically leave sex in any form behind.


i'm not biologically educated enough to know how healthy it is to live with no sex drive of any kind whatsoever, but from most of what i have been taught, the occasional orgasm is fairly important to mental and possibly physical health...plus it's my belief that sex is THE underlying drive for just about everything we do, ever.  so it's hard for me to wrap my mind around, but that doesn't mean i can't accept it.  i just can't empathize completely, sort of like transsexualism.

[cbkof]

^ i don't believe in THE underlying drive, but if pressed sex would definitely be my first choice

i have never met anyone who self-identifies as asexual so have always wondered if really it wasn't just because of lack of success, or if other drives were at the forefront for so long that there was some kind of sexual atrophy – i guess part of me questions whether this really does occur at puberty or if it is only mis-remembered that way – also am curious if this is something new, a sign of a more post-sexual humanity – in other words, i have a lot of dumb questions...

[CottonCandy]

I've got a friend who's asexual, and she's got nothing but flack for it. Here's some of the gems she has been told...

"It'll all change when you meet the right man"
"It's ok to come out and be a lesbian and not say that you're asexual!"
"Don't worry, lots of women aren't that interested in sex anyway..."

Her psychiatrist, who she got as she was so anxious about all of this, asked if she wanted to have babies someday. She said maybe, but she hasn't really thought about it, and this fella cracked "oh, but you do realise you need to have sex to have babies!" and laughed.

Lots of men have tried to start a relationship with her, she keeps on saying no as she knows how it'd end... It broke up a friendship as he first claimed sex isn't important to him but then, in the end, pretty much forced her to have sex and then berated her as she seemed so uncomfortable with it.

I have the greatest sympathy for her and wish that asexuals would come out a bit more so that people would understand what it's all about... She's nearly 30, has never had any sexual desires (though she has had sex to try and see if it'd "unlock" things)... She's not going to enjoy it.

[cbkof]

^ that sucks

i would hope that my curiosity wouldn't come off as more flack – but it would certainly come from a place of ignorance

[Tiervexx]

Wow someone in the comments section of the article calls it a 'defect' or a 'disability'. I don't really think that's the case...

What does "defect" mean anyway?

I think that the most scientific definition one can use for "defect" is something that interferes with reproductive success.  This can include things that only affect it in very, very indirect ways like being thrown in jail because you are a kleptomaniac.  I'm obviously looking at this from an evolutionary perspective.

I realize a lot of people might not like this definition because they feel that "defect" is "negative" (whatever that means) and might not feel that everything that interferes with reproductive success is "negative" (like homosexuality).  I just want to point out that those ideas are very ill defined.

Even as a gay man, I consider homosexuality to be a "birth defect."  People don't like that term because they feel it is "negative" but can anybody deny that we did not evolve by being gay?  Note that, that does not mean that there is anything "wrong" with it.  Or that gay people should be repressed or seek cures.  All I am saying is that from a scientific, evolutionary perspective it makes sense to call abnormal sexualities "defects".

i'm not biologically educated enough to know how healthy it is to live with no sex drive of any kind whatsoever, but from most of what i have been taught, the occasional orgasm is fairly important to mental and possibly physical health...

I don't know all the things that cause asexuality (I'm sure there is more than one cause) but I'm sure that some are signs of bad mental and physical health.  With homosexuality we at least know that they are wired for "normal" sexuality if the rest of them was the opposite sex, but I think asexuality implies a malfunction and not just a mismatch.

I can emphasize with asexuality a little bit because I go through short bouts where I am not interested in anybody... but they are always very short... often over within a day.

...I remember reading about a study on prostate health in men and orgasm frequency.  Their definition of a lot of orgasms was 20 a month.  I think I do about twice that 

[N.U.]

I believe asexuality fits along the scale just like hypersexuality fits at the other extreme. Think of it like a crosshairs where attraction to gender is one axis and asexual to hypersexual is the other axis.

My feeling this is a more accurate portrayal of what Kinsey was driving at.

BTW, it is rumored that Lawrence of Arabia was asexual.

[Agonistes]

morrisey claimed asexuality at one time.  i've no idea if he still does or not, i just remember dating someone who had a thing for him and she said he was declared asexual.

[CottonCandy]

Yeah, I know about Morrissey. I also know he has since fallen in love, but... Does it necessarily mean he's no longer asexual? I have heard of asexuals with romantic feelings but no sexual feelings... And sexuality can be fluid, there's people who think they're straight as can be but then later in life fall in love with someone of their own sex. I don't think it means their straight relationships have been a lie, more that they later discovered they're bi, or you know, 1 or 2 on the kinsey scale rather than 0.