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Author Topic: Okay, i think i'm losing my mind. ADVICE please.  (Read 2672 times)

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Katastrophy

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Okay, i think i'm losing my mind. ADVICE please.
« on: June 09, 2011, 08:52:26 PM »

Okay. I don't really have any friends I would trust enough not to judge me or think something other then the truth.. so I thought I'd come to you guys.


I am madly in love with my fiance, we've been together for going on four years now. He happens to be the first guy I have ever been with. Pretty much my whole life, I've been socially awkward. Didn't really have any guy friends who secretly wanted to sleep with me, like most girls do. All my friends thought of me as one of them, one of the boys. Which, I always liked. Now that I'm in my 20's, I find myself becoming more and more feminine and a lot more aware of my attraction to people of both sexes. I've always been very comfortable with my friends, and now that I'm in a serious relationship with someone who does tend to get jealous, I feel like I've done something wrong.

I get crushes on people very easily, and he knows this. He trusts me and tells me he's dealing with his own insecurities and doesn't want me to feel bad. It doesn't matter why he feels this way, it still makes me feel rather bad. The deal is .. I've got a crush on two people at the moment. One being female. One being male. I don't feel the least bit awkward about my crush on my lady friend. Most likely because of my past and both of us agreeing I would always like women, and there was nothing at all wrong with that. Now, the crush on my male friend has my head spinning and my stomach in pain. I feel like I did something wrong... when I haven't. I've discussed this with my friend, and he assures me I did nothing wrong and I'm being silly about it... but also stating he was interested in me but would never act on it, neither would I. The crushes I've always had on certain people within my circle have never been acted on. They usually don't last long... and once they fade I feel almost relieved.

AND

I'm more then willing to share my feelings with my Fiance. I want us both to be very open with eachother and if he understood what was going on, I think things that are eating away at me would stop.

BUT

We're dealing with some legal issues right now. He's been going to court for over A YEAR for this and it's not over yet. My biggest fear is discussing something like this with him.... and then the worst case scenario happening (him going to jail.... which would kill me) and then in his mind thinking "She's going to go off and fuck him" WHICH WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.

Like I said.. I have no clue. Looooooooooost.

This has turn more into a rant, but I just need some advice. I feel lost... Am I wrong?
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The Angel Raliel

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Re: Okay, i think i'm losing my mind. ADVICE please.
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2011, 09:45:11 PM »

no you have done nothing wrong.....I feel that IF you need to tell him about these feelings ( and if you are sure it is simply a crush that means nothing to you, i am not entirely sure why you would need to burden him with it as you have stated he gets jealous) then do so with the utmost re-assurance that you have absolutely no intention of acting on these urges...
I hope all works out ok
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@raliel

Katastrophy

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Re: Okay, i think i'm losing my mind. ADVICE please.
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2011, 10:40:57 PM »

no you have done nothing wrong.....I feel that IF you need to tell him about these feelings ( and if you are sure it is simply a crush that means nothing to you, i am not entirely sure why you would need to burden him with it as you have stated he gets jealous) then do so with the utmost re-assurance that you have absolutely no intention of acting on these urges...
I hope all works out ok


Thank you.

I have realized you're right, there really is no reason to tell him. I guess I thought if I told him for whatever reason, then I wouldn't feel so bad.. but I think I was wrong. It's kinda selfish for me to think that way.

I don't have any intentions of acting on them... I just think because of my past, my attraction to men sometimes makes me feel "wrong".. weird.
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The Angel Raliel

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Re: Okay, i think i'm losing my mind. ADVICE please.
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2011, 10:47:48 PM »

guilt is a natural response even when you have not done anything wrong....do not fret!
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@raliel

Katastrophy

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Re: Okay, i think i'm losing my mind. ADVICE please.
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2011, 10:58:38 PM »

guilt is a natural response even when you have not done anything wrong....do not fret!


You're so right.. thank you.  :-*
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CeeGBee

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Re: Okay, i think i'm losing my mind. ADVICE please.
« Reply #5 on: June 09, 2011, 11:07:36 PM »

guilt is a natural response even when you have not done anything wrong....do not fret!


You're so right.. thank you.  :-*
....but also continue to 'not do anything wrong'... 

It's just a crush - if you act on it a *@#& up your real relationship, you'll regret it.
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The Angel Raliel

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Re: Okay, i think i'm losing my mind. ADVICE please.
« Reply #6 on: June 09, 2011, 11:08:39 PM »

indeed
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@raliel

Katastrophy

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Re: Okay, i think i'm losing my mind. ADVICE please.
« Reply #7 on: June 09, 2011, 11:35:13 PM »

Of course I would, but neither one of us has any intention on it. He's got a wife and a mistresss and I have the love of my life. No intentions.
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NastyEgo

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Re: Okay, i think i'm losing my mind. ADVICE please.
« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2011, 01:18:13 AM »

Crushes are nice and fun.
And the guys are right - don't tell your fiance if you're sure it's just a crush.
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Katastrophy

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Re: Okay, i think i'm losing my mind. ADVICE please.
« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2011, 06:28:52 AM »

Crushes are nice and fun.
And the guys are right - don't tell your fiance if you're sure it's just a crush.

Smart. And right you are.

I guess me realizing that guys aren't so bad makes me feel a bit funny. But, I'm getting a grip on things.
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The Angel Raliel

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Re: Okay, i think i'm losing my mind. ADVICE please.
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2011, 06:46:39 AM »

we ARE all horrible senseless and cruel creatures...but we just want to be loved.....sometimes it is about understanding the monster rather than fearing it.....
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@raliel

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Re: Okay, i think i'm losing my mind. ADVICE please.
« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2011, 08:39:07 AM »

I ended a relationship which was nearly 3-4 years(including the little breaks). And he was the first one for me too, loved him and got loved back.
After one of the arguements we decided to give a break and after a few months we would decide whether to go on or end the relationship. I was terribly angry with him because he suddenly started to behave as if i didn't exist, didn't call or send a message, didn't even say hello when he saw me.

And right at that time there happened to be another guy flirting me. First he seemed to be charming and he was really in love. I remember him kneeling down, holding my hands and begging me to be his date. It was quite the romance, he used to bring flowers, wines, etc everyday. But i couldn't love him back. Because, in my mind i felt guilty and cruel. Both to my ex and new. I felt like cheating on both of them. To the new guy because he loved me but i was in love with my ex. And to my ex because i didn't wait for him and started to a new relationship which made me feel crappy because i was still loving him and it was impossible to love somebody else like the way i loved him.

I still do love him, he has a special place in my heart and i feel like i'll never love anybody else like i love him. I also know he loves me too, he has never been with any other girl since we broke up(it's been 4 years). We see eachother friendly, and i feel he still loves me too, but i also see he's broken. He can not dare to give another chance, he's afraid i may ruin everything again. And i deeply, terribly regret for it. It's the mistake of my life.

So my humble advice is, it's ok having a little crush, and it's not necessary to tell him. It doesn't cause anything but confusing him.
You'd better think twice because you may lose him forever.
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Katastrophy

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Re: Okay, i think i'm losing my mind. ADVICE please.
« Reply #12 on: June 10, 2011, 10:01:33 AM »

I ended a relationship which was nearly 3-4 years(including the little breaks). And he was the first one for me too, loved him and got loved back.
After one of the arguements we decided to give a break and after a few months we would decide whether to go on or end the relationship. I was terribly angry with him because he suddenly started to behave as if i didn't exist, didn't call or send a message, didn't even say hello when he saw me.

And right at that time there happened to be another guy flirting me. First he seemed to be charming and he was really in love. I remember him kneeling down, holding my hands and begging me to be his date. It was quite the romance, he used to bring flowers, wines, etc everyday. But i couldn't love him back. Because, in my mind i felt guilty and cruel. Both to my ex and new. I felt like cheating on both of them. To the new guy because he loved me but i was in love with my ex. And to my ex because i didn't wait for him and started to a new relationship which made me feel crappy because i was still loving him and it was impossible to love somebody else like the way i loved him.

I still do love him, he has a special place in my heart and i feel like i'll never love anybody else like i love him. I also know he loves me too, he has never been with any other girl since we broke up(it's been 4 years). We see eachother friendly, and i feel he still loves me too, but i also see he's broken. He can not dare to give another chance, he's afraid i may ruin everything again. And i deeply, terribly regret for it. It's the mistake of my life.

So my humble advice is, it's ok having a little crush, and it's not necessary to tell him. It doesn't cause anything but confusing him.
You'd better think twice because you may lose him forever.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you for taking time to give me some advice.

Everything you guys have said has been right on.

An innocent crush can't hurt me, or anyone else. It doesn't go deeper then that, I'm just young and attracted to all kinds of people, always have been. There isn't a need to tell him, considering it's just me being a silly girl.

I love him with all my heart, and don't want to be with anyone else.. I just couldn't imagine it. He's my whole world.
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The Angel Raliel

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Re: Okay, i think i'm losing my mind. ADVICE please.
« Reply #13 on: June 10, 2011, 10:07:42 AM »

then do not fret at all.... i have guilt for breathing sometimes
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@raliel

Katastrophy

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Re: Okay, i think i'm losing my mind. ADVICE please.
« Reply #14 on: June 10, 2011, 10:30:56 AM »

then do not fret at all.... i have guilt for breathing sometimes

You're my hero.
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