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[Indja]

^It's definitely a part of your identity, or that's how I see it anyway. I know that the idea is that you're making a new family, but if that's the case then you both should get to pick a whole new last name instead of one being subsumed by the other. I'd go for Bearington, myself xD My sisters - technically my step-sisters, so a different last name than me but still - will both probably change their name if they get married, just because it's the norm.

Actually, that's what annoys me most about it - the fact that people do it just because it's 'tradition' without really thinking about it. Like if it was a truly free choice then work away, but it's so heavily weighted in favour of the man that it's just outrageous. Same with kids' last names - I'd like them to have my last name as much because I disagree with them automatically getting their father's as much as because they're my kids and I want them to have my family's name.

[Marionette26]

I'm not planning on having children, so I've never given a whole lot of thought into what should happen with their last names.

But I've had my last name all my life, and I'm not going to give it up. I like how you say being subsumed by the other. I feel like taking your husband's last name implies a subservience, although it's completely accidental. It's saying "I'm giving up myself, I'm changing myself, for this marriage - for him. I'm becoming this, and giving up who I was." And I'm not blaming whoever the husband is, I'm blaming the 'tradition' of marriage.
The whole tradition thing is ridiculous. If that is the only reason that someone can give for something, then they need to be questioning it and looking at it on a deeper level. Because tradition doesn't make something right for the individual. And if they can question it and still find that it suits them, that's great. But they should be thinking, not just being mindless robots.

And I like the idea of picking a whole new name. That would make it so that you really are starting a new family, you're not simply being engulfed within his own persona. Although I think you might be hard pressed to find someone who wants to be called Bearington for the rest of their life, no matter how epic it sounds..

[Indja]

^If they can't handle my bear-love, we're clearly not meant to be together.

I'm not going to get married - I'd like a wedding, but not the marriage, you know? Like I want a party and all our friends and family can come and tell us how much they love us and I'll have a pretty frock and all that, but not the actual signing of papers. And I don't want biological children, so I don't know how it works with adopting. But I still think about these things, because these things interest me.

I think remembering that, historically, marriage wasn't much more than a kind of slavery makes the whole thing clearer. Women took their husbands' last names because it was a sign that they now belonged to that man, as an asset and a piece of property. It's got no place in a modern marriage founded on love and trust and respect.

Totally with you on the idea that if they think it over and it still suits them then go for it, but not enough people think it over. It's just a given, and that's not healthy.

Also, I would be stoked if I got to propose to someone. I'd be stoked to be proposed to as well, as long as it was "Will you do me the honour of not marrying me, but we'll have a party and you'll get a pretty frock and we'll dance to Elbow and have luxury portaloos etc". Because if someone tried to really propose to me then clearly they have not been listening to me xD

[RoRi23]

When my wife and I got married (15 years ago) we decided that we'd like to have one common last name. There was however no compelling argument for either name and we decided to flip a coin.
Which is how I ended up with a new last name...

As far as marriage is concerned: to me it is a sign of commitment, of a certain degree of happily unrealistic optimism and of course a contract that makes it more difficult for one of the parties involved to screw the other side over if things don't work out.

If you go for long term commitment it is a rather sensible safety net (in addition to the emotional side of it and of course the tax advantages it entails here in Germany).

[Captain Oblivious]

I think it's really sweet that you were willing to take her last name.

I don't think I would change my last name. I've always wanted to be Dr. Farrell and I will be Dr. Farrell and not anything else. I'm not sure how I feel about the children's names. I will be giving birth to them so why should they not have my name? Although I am fully aware it's a two-person process

I'm like Indie, I want the party but the marriage bit doesn't really appeal to me. The main reason I would get married is for things like if one of us got sick, non-family members would not be allowed and even if we'd been in a relationship for 50 years, they're not family. Which is fucking ridiculous but that's the way it is. Also, the tax breaks

[N.U.]

If I came up with a mashup last name for a prospective mate, that might be acceptable as both of us would have to change our name.

[Faloleen]

I changed my last name to have the same as my husband but the only reason was that my previous last name was really horrible and complicated and everyone used to misspell it or pronounce it wrong. So having a simple czech one is a big relief. But I agree that your last name is a part of who you are.

[Miranda.]

I keep meaning to respond to this thread but ... I don't really know the words to use to explain what I mean to say.


I loved my surname but I always knew that I would change my name when I got married. I will always be a part of the family I was born into no matter what my name is.

My husband's family is as much my family as my family is if that makes sense?  His family has been a part of my life since I was 14 yrs old. I moved into his parent's house when I was 15-16. I met his family at his brother's 2nd b-day party; his sister was 9mths old. They aren't my in-laws he is my little brother and she is my littlest sister. They introduce me to people as their big sister. His mom always says I am her good kid; her sweet daughter. They claim me as their own. I was proud to take their name. It was like becoming a more official part of the family maybe? A way to tell the world that I belong to their family (not like property but as a member).

Maybe my situation is a bit different than some but I don't think that taking on your spouses name is necessarily a bad thing or an antiquated idea. I think it is romantic. I also think that each person and couple has a right to decide what is best for them.

[Savannah]

I keep meaning to respond to this thread but ... I don't really know the words to use to explain what I mean to say.


I loved my surname but I always knew that I would change my name when I got married. I will always be a part of the family I was born into no matter what my name is.

My husband's family is as much my family as my family is if that makes sense?  His family has been a part of my life since I was 14 yrs old. I moved into his parent's house when I was 15-16. I met his family at his brother's 2nd b-day party; his sister was 9mths old. They aren't my in-laws he is my little brother and she is my littlest sister. They introduce me to people as their big sister. His mom always says I am her good kid; her sweet daughter. They claim me as their own. I was proud to take their name. It was like becoming a more official part of the family maybe? A way to tell the world that I belong to their family (not like property but as a member).

Maybe my situation is a bit different than some but I don't think that taking on your spouses name is necessarily a bad thing or an antiquated idea. I think it is romantic. I also think that each person and couple has a right to decide what is best for them.

No it's not necessarily a bad thing for sure. But it should be optional and free from the laws and social oppressions. What you've told above is such a romantic story, i'm sure most women would like to have such good relationships with their in-laws.

Also Rori's is really sweet, if there's a way to make a decision on who takes whose last name, it should be like this.

And of course Faloleen has understanable reasons. And if i ever get married and if my future fiancé doesn't have a worse last name than mine, i may do so either.

I just hate that just because you're getting married, some people think you have to take your husband's last name. It should be all about voluntariness. I don't see anybody dying from keeping their last names.

[N.U.]

Every time a newly wed wife doesn't take her husband's last name, Baby Jesus cries.

[Marionette26]

Miranda - I feel like we're kind of bashing your side of things, when it's pretty normal.. and it sounds like you weren't just like "Ah, I gotta take his name, that's what you do". It sounds like you have reasons behind it, and they're really sweet reasons that make a lot of sense. If his family was that much of a family for you already, then it's completely logical to want his name.
It's not always a bad thing to take your spouses name.

But in some situations it really kind of sucks. My older sister doesn't want to give up her last name (especially since her boyfriend/soon to be fiance has a ridiculous last name), but he's far more stubborn than she is. She's undoubtedly going to end up railroaded into it, and I'm sure she'll get over it, I doubt it will be a huge trauma or anything. It's just terribly unfair - she shouldn't have to change in such a way unless she wants to.
Since it's the societal norm though, it's expected, so it's not just pressure from him. It's all this implied pressure from the rest of the world, and it's pressure from people she tries to talk to about it.

Taking your spouses name is really romantic and sweet in cases like yours, and cute and sweet in cases like Rori's. Buuut, a lot of the time it's done because it's expected, and that's it.



@Thread - I'm not sure I want to have a wedding. And I don't know that I care much about having a marriage, since if I end up with a woman I can't have one (yet). All I've ever thought about is being with someone I love, who loves me, for the rest of my life. Or so long as we love each other. I want someone to share my life with, who I know likes my idiosyncrasies and can deal with my issues. And I don't think I need a marriage to do that, although it makes the legal side of things a helluva lot easier.
I think a TINY ceremony would be nice, though. I'm a bit of a tyrant when it comes to organizing normal things, such as Christmas and birthdays, so I think I would go absolutely batshit insane organizing a wedding and no one would want to marry me or be around me. And mostly, I just want a really really awesome wedding dress that I can sit around having tea parties in afterwards.

[imaginary friend]

interesting dress:   http://thelook.today.com/_news/2013/01/02/16303811-here-comes-the-bride-in-fur-at-austrian-royal-wedding?lite&lite=obnetwork

[music box]

Every time a newly wed wife doesn't take her husband's last name, Baby Jesus cries.

My neighbor got married last spring and her husband took her name.

[CottonCandy]

I suppose I need to start thinking this stuff now...

[Astica]