Oh MY God. My dream the night before last was quite simply astonishing. And HUGE. Sorry. I was asleep for about 12 hours, I was ill
Firstly, I was in Celebrity Big Brother yelling at this fundamentalist Christian about how he was "sucking the fun out of Jesus" and that he was actively humiliating himself with his retard ideas of Christianity. Then it changed and I was Newt from Hollyoaks and I was on the roof of this block of flats - my English teacher was yelling at me to come down, but I wouldn't because I was scared, so I jumped down to like a doorway. Then it changed again, and I wasn't in the dream any more I was just like watching it, and Newt had become this little boy of about 6 and it was the 1940s or so. He was running away from his mum, who was an abusive bitch, and had just run across the roof to get away from her. As he landed, the door opened and this old lady came out. She took pity on him and took him inside to meet her wife - these two cracked me up, the first one was all tall and thin and silvery and sensible but in a lovely and funny way. The other was small and round and dressed all in red and cackled at everything, and they were both very very old. (I think, now I think of it, that I may have read a book with those two women in - the one in red was blind, I think, but they weren't English, they were American... Meh. I can't remember.) Then it went all sort of time-skip-ish and I saw the little boy growing up; every time his mother was horrible to him, which was pretty much every day, and every time he didn't want to go to school - also pretty much every day - he'd go to see this old couple who like looked after him and put cream on his bruises from his mum and stuff. He grew up into David Tennant (I mean he looked just like David Tennant, it wasn't *actually* him) and then him, the two lesbians and this girl (who was, if you've ever seen it, the woman from Relic: Guardians Of The Museum on the CBBC Channel, only she wasn't in black-and-white make up she was in 50s make-up) went for a picnic on this island that they rowed to. Everyone was just purely, blissfully happy, but then he had to go home. When he got in, his mum was still there and beat him up with like a poker. He was understandably heart-broken and ran off to the lesbians' flat. There, they worked with him and the girl to make up a batch of poisoned mayonnaise that they were going to plant in the mum's house - it should have been grim, but they were all just so glad to be rid of her, the girl just on the behalf of the boy and the two lesbians because the mother was really horrible to them and told them all the time that they were going to hell and stuff. So they made up this poison and put it in the mum's flat and then they went to the beach (they lived in like Brighton, I think) to camp out with a fire and some wine and have a bit of a party while they waited for the mother to die. The mum died, and fell out the window into the sea. The people on the beach like cheered and stuff, and then they all got into their pyjamas and went into the same tent to go to sleep - their jammies were incredible, btw, the guy's were blue and white stripey ones, and the woman had these magnificent 50s nighties on, it was ace. Anyway, while they slept the dead mother crawled out of the sea and crawled her way into the tent - it was terrifying. But the guy woke up and like fought her off, and then ran off with the girl to the pier while the lesbians did magic to keep him safe. While they were on the pier, it was suddenly not the middle of the night but all sunshiney and full of people. There was this sense of nervous quiet, like everyone was getting on with things but things just weren't right. The two of them ran into this Vegas-style chapel to find holy ground that the evil undead mother couldn't go on, but as they ran in the guy looked into the eyes of the minister and like realised that he was going to hell for killing his mum, and so was the girl and so were the lesbians. It was horrible, the minister wasn't like judging him or anything he was just sort of pitying him and GOD it was sad. So they left the chapel and then turned round and on one side of the pier was these children from a local convent school on an outing walking along in single file and all of them had these huge - like a metre in diameter - metallic balloons. On the other side of the pier, the dead mother was crawling towards them at a frankly remarkable pace for a dead woman. He grabbed the girl's hand and ran with her to the children, and then just as the mum grabbed at him, he got hold of this big silver balloon - the kid wouldn't let go of it until he looked at the guy and realised that if he didn't then he'd die and go to hell, and he had that same look as the minister and clearly figured that if he couldn't stop him from going to hell then he could at least help put it off for a bit. So the kid let go of the balloon, and the guy and the girl floated off in their pyjamas into the sky. Then the lesbian's magic took hold and the mum crumbled into black dust and got all blown away.
