I am afraid of the mental illness that runs in my family.
I have suffered alot of trauma growing up and this lead to some extremes in the teens. I'm 27 now. I wake up every morning and try to ask myself if my thoughts and feeling are rational. I question my actions, my likes, how I speak. I'm terrified that my artistic, free spirited, streak of whimsy and the unsual is really mania. That one day I wont have control, and do things and say things that could endanger me and my family emotionally, phsyically, and mentally. My mother suffers from Bi-Polar. I was diagnosed bi-polar non order specific in my teens, but they say it was a stress related chemical imbalance and not genetic. Therapists tell me I'm fine. This terror makes me question everything. When I know I am ok.....when for years and years, I have raised a son, made art, had love, mantain my house, bills, I dont drink more than socially, no drugs, no life descions that have irreperably set me back, but a few that you just have to learn from. But still, all my family watches me like they are waiting for something to happen...something that says she has lost it.....and when everyone else questions something, I start to. I live in fear that my thoughts might not be my own.
I live in fear of the fact that my family cant love me for me.....who isn't afraid to be human, isn't afraid to be embarressed (but I still get that way), who embraces life, and doesn't believe in wasting away in mundane existance. I dont want to do anything more amazing in life, than say I tasted it. I love easy, forgive easy, and can have a temper. I stick to what I believe in. I live with intergity, but I'm not always moral in the strict sense of the word. I believe in the power of being naked, I sit outside at night and dream, I learn everything I can (and this can seem like I jump meaninglessly from project to project.....but really, I invest the time and effort, I take it with me as mine, and I carry it, who knows where these strange hobbies will take me, and they make me fullfilled) I dont blow money and am actuallly over shrewd with finances. If I wasn't so broke, maybe I'd have more. I've been to college. I live art and music and creation. I have a love affair with other humans. Nothing is so beautiful in life as the power of people on each other and the power to connect and support and thrive through companionship alone. My child is strong, respectful, artistic, unafraid of himself, respectful, articulate, and provoking....he is six.
I've been okay since 19. Not got it together....thats when you should be dead really, when you figure it all out, cause what is left?
So why, cant my father, step mother, mother, 6 brother and sisters, countless aunts and uncles just except me. I feel like half the questioning I do, is because they question my common sense. So I question my common sense. I'm scared they will never love me as me, and keep seeking to correct this thing that scares or threatens them so. And ten years later, I'm scared I dont know me.....
I'm also convinced I will die via fiery car crash trapped in twisted metal.....this is irrational, possible, but jeez can I freak myself out with some of the traffic out here in So Cal
Anywho. Never actually took the time to write out these thoughts before. There is so much more to it, but I cant find the words in the right way. I hope this made sense......
