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Author Topic: On Feeling Ugly....  (Read 6345 times)

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Paul

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On Feeling Ugly....
« on: September 01, 2012, 06:47:01 PM »

Dear All,

I could use the advice of the Shadowboxers on the following issue.

I've never truly been happy about the way I look, however more than a year ago I moved to Sydney, Australia to take up a new job and since I arrived here my looks and body image have taken a nosedive. I recently moved to Bondi, a beachside suburb and while I really enjoy the life here, it seems like I've moved into an area just full of slim, pretty and wealthy young things where looks and youth dominate and as a fairly ordinary 32 year old male about as far removed from Abercrombie and Fitch as possible, I feel utterly ugly as a result.

It seems I'm the only person here who isn't a 6ft tall, toned and muscular surfer/model with a plethora of babes around him. While I am losing weight and getting fit for purely health reasons, it seems pointless when you're surrounded by body builders and male model types. It limits me in certain areas such as wanting to go swimming at the beach and speaking to the opposite sex.

Any ideas about building my self esteem back up would be greatly appreciated.....
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imaginary friend

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #1 on: September 01, 2012, 06:49:41 PM »

well, at least you're not some bogan loser.  :)


...you're not, right?

:P

Paul

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2012, 06:51:11 PM »

well, at least you're not some bogan loser.  :)


...you're not, right?

:P

Nope, I managed to miss that bullet thankfully lol...
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Pope Totalfrog

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #3 on: September 01, 2012, 08:28:36 PM »

Dear All,

I could use the advice of the Shadowboxers on the following issue.

I've never truly been happy about the way I look, however more than a year ago I moved to Sydney, Australia to take up a new job and since I arrived here my looks and body image have taken a nosedive. I recently moved to Bondi, a beachside suburb and while I really enjoy the life here, it seems like I've moved into an area just full of slim, pretty and wealthy young things where looks and youth dominate and as a fairly ordinary 32 year old male about as far removed from Abercrombie and Fitch as possible, I feel utterly ugly as a result.

It seems I'm the only person here who isn't a 6ft tall, toned and muscular surfer/model with a plethora of babes around him. While I am losing weight and getting fit for purely health reasons, it seems pointless when you're surrounded by body builders and male model types. It limits me in certain areas such as wanting to go swimming at the beach and speaking to the opposite sex.

Any ideas about building my self esteem back up would be greatly appreciated.....

There are very few natural beauties in Bondi. It's almost impossible to look like them without a lot of money/time/surgery. It's tied with the Gold Coast for plastic capital of Oz. 

I'm a chubby chick with a huge birthmark that covers my neck and a little of my chin. I used to be bothered by it. One day I said fuck it, you only get one life, worrying about what other people think you look like is not the best way to spend it. After that I didn't really care what other people thought.

Try to keep yourself fit and healthy (doesn't necessarily mean thin but if you feel good you look good) and have a positive outlook and people will find you attractive.





well, at least you're not some bogan loser.  :)


...you're not, right?

:P
You know about bogans? Impressive.

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IrritableBaker

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #4 on: September 01, 2012, 08:46:18 PM »

I feel like a cheese ball for saying this, but it's GREAT to be different. Looks mean jack shit in the long run.

I cant speak for every woman, but for me personally, I'll address a few things:

-the cocky guys that are constantly surrounded by babes are usually jerks.
-I love All men, short, tall, skinny, fat, you name it. Charisma, confidence and something to offer ( whether it's experience, knowledge, strength, a great sense of humor and optimism) are things I fall for and I'm not alone in that.

Be yourself. Love yourself.

Take advantage of being new. Whatever insecurities you had before, forget them and start fresh.

And if these people are as cosmetically altered/vain as it seems, they probably have far more insecurities than you.

Take it from someone, who's always felt inferior and inadequate until I stopped feeling sorry for myself and said screw everyone: I'm awesome, and they'll be lucky to know me.

-end of corny speech-


Side note: I want to move to Australia. How do pastry chefs do out there?



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Morpheus Laughing

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #5 on: September 01, 2012, 08:51:18 PM »

I'm also sort of beginning to feel quite isolated. Former "depend-upons" are succumbing to a "quarter-life crisis" that's having a domino effect, which keeps rattling my stability. It's kind of forced me to make some effort to be a little more sociable with new people, which unfortunately shows up my social ineptness. In reaction, I've spent the last few months trying to get my act together (in terms of making music) because I might be able to make myself valuable to others if they know what I can do beyond the whole flat-affect surface appearance.

On that note, I'd suggest that you find a hobby that you think you could be good at and attend an organised group to do it. It moves the emphasis of interaction to something less immediate than the self.
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NikosGr

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #6 on: September 02, 2012, 02:06:12 AM »

self improvement is very important and nobody should give up on themselves. the most important thing though is to accept the things that you can never be. It is very difficult trying to improve your looks with an idea stuck in your head that is not realistic. i was struggling with this my whole life. I've always had extra weight on me and I've passed to the overweight limit a few times, but each time i started dieting i failed because even when i lost 17kg (and I've done it twice in the past), and everyone was wowed by the way i looked i couldn't understand it because i had a picture in my head of the body i wanted that was unreachable. i can't have that square body type with the six pack or the triangle type with the small waist and large back, simply because my bone and mass structure don't go that way!

my advice to you is to decide what you can change about you but also accept the things you cannot change and carry on improving yourself. But always bear in mind that you're doing this for you, and not so as to blend in with a group of people that surround you. you don't want to lose yourself in the crowd.

also use the fact that everywhere around you, you see all these gorgeous guys as a motivation and not as a hold back factor. and don't let it intimidate you. if you talk to women or men for that matter with confidence, they will respond in the most positive way. there's always gonna be jerks around, but most of the times they're not worth of your energy.

everyone have their own beauty to start with and everyone can build up and improve that beauty. don't lose yourself in the process and don't lose hope. be realistic but not pessimistic, and carry on being the amazing person I'm sure you are. my love and respect to you!

dftba
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absynth aura

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #7 on: September 02, 2012, 03:11:06 AM »

self improvement is very important and nobody should give up on themselves. the most important thing though is to accept the things that you can never be. It is very difficult trying to improve your looks with an idea stuck in your head that is not realistic. i was struggling with this my whole life. I've always had extra weight on me and I've passed to the overweight limit a few times, but each time i started dieting i failed because even when i lost 17kg (and I've done it twice in the past), and everyone was wowed by the way i looked i couldn't understand it because i had a picture in my head of the body i wanted that was unreachable. i can't have that square body type with the six pack or the triangle type with the small waist and large back, simply because my bone and mass structure don't go that way!

I've just realised this. I keep thinking about how I want to look. And have pictures of what I want to achieve. But I recently threw them away  because I know it's not possible to naturally look like that because of my body shape.
That doesn't mean I'm giving up on my goals, but I've just had to readjust them to be more realistic.

In saying that, I've also learnt to stop comparing myself to others. I have my days where I feel good about the way I look, and then other days where I feel that I look like shit. But there's still that knowledge that I can change most of what I don't like about myself. And that keeps me motivated...mostly.
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NikosGr

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #8 on: September 02, 2012, 05:04:34 AM »

self improvement is very important and nobody should give up on themselves. the most important thing though is to accept the things that you can never be. It is very difficult trying to improve your looks with an idea stuck in your head that is not realistic. i was struggling with this my whole life. I've always had extra weight on me and I've passed to the overweight limit a few times, but each time i started dieting i failed because even when i lost 17kg (and I've done it twice in the past), and everyone was wowed by the way i looked i couldn't understand it because i had a picture in my head of the body i wanted that was unreachable. i can't have that square body type with the six pack or the triangle type with the small waist and large back, simply because my bone and mass structure don't go that way!

I've just realised this. I keep thinking about how I want to look. And have pictures of what I want to achieve. But I recently threw them away  because I know it's not possible to naturally look like that because of my body shape.
That doesn't mean I'm giving up on my goals, but I've just had to readjust them to be more realistic.

In saying that, I've also learnt to stop comparing myself to others. I have my days where I feel good about the way I look, and then other days where I feel that I look like shit. But there's still that knowledge that I can change most of what I don't like about myself. And that keeps me motivated...mostly.
i know what you mean, i feel the same way many times. comparing yourself to others cannot always be avoided and it comes and goes with the days and the general mood you're in.

it also helps to think of all the things that you have (and others maybe don't) and feel grateful for them. that helps you start from a positive point and with a little good will you can carry on to widen that positive attitude furthermore.

and don't lose opportunities to have fun. i remember feeling heavy and not wanting to go to the beach but that is a missed opportunity for a fantastic excercise. swimming helped me many times lose some extra kilos. at first it takes a bit to adjust your mind into not thinking what others think of you, but in the end it's worth it.
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imaginary friend

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #9 on: September 02, 2012, 09:23:46 AM »

well, at least you're not some bogan loser.  :)




...you're not, right?

:P
You know about bogans? Impressive.

there's a thread on the 'Box for everything:    http://www.theshadowbox.net/forum/index.php?topic=3556.0

 :D

SpookyTwigg

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #10 on: September 02, 2012, 01:58:32 PM »

I also have a problem with my image, but I think that these days everyone does. I've yet to meet anyone who I believe to be 100% happy with how they look (i know a fair few who seem to find it hard to find 1% they're happy with) so I've come to a stayed of accepting that I'm never going to think I'm good looking and just make sure I'm at least clean and not too disturbingly unkempt.

No matter what you think of yourself there will be people who find you attractive, them not being beach buff monsters is probably even a good thing.

Don't worry yourself trying to teach a crazy ideal.
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buttercup.

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #11 on: September 02, 2012, 02:09:59 PM »

I'm always much more worried about looking dumb than looking ugly. And as far as those "beautiful people" they probably are very insecure themselves.
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Captain Oblivious

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #12 on: September 02, 2012, 03:02:35 PM »

I'm in the habit of accepting things I can't change and just moving on. It's very effective and it means I don't spend many wasted hours worrying over something that isn't going to change no matter what I do. My appearance is one of these things. As someone mentioned above, there is always going to be someone who finds you attractive. Personally, I really dislike the over-tanned, over-buff and over-styled. Being yourself is much more attractive than anything else.
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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #13 on: September 02, 2012, 04:31:39 PM »

Beauty is not something i pretty much care about. All in all it's just relative concept, you can be the most beautiful thing in the world for some person while another people may think you're as ugly as a fly.

I can not be everybody's cup of tea. Being together with the people who like me for who am i is what really matters to me.
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Cirque

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #14 on: September 02, 2012, 08:30:02 PM »

I personally look through an abercrombie catalogue and don't find any of them attractive.
The look just doesn't do it for me.

I have friends who want to study me because I keep throwing them curveballs when it comes to my taste in men

Blue Canary

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #15 on: September 02, 2012, 11:21:59 PM »

Attractiveness is very subjective! Being "movie star" attractive is very physically and emotionally tiring because there's a ton pressure to STAY that way. If a person whom you think is perfect-looking doesn't have a lot of insecurities of their own, they're probably kind of a sociopath and mayyyybe should be avoided anyway. You probably look a lot more healthy than those Barbies and Ken dolls. It's definitely easier said than done, but if someone isn't satisfied with your company because you don't look like Brad Pitt or Keanu Reeves, it's not worth talking to them.
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Cheddars Cousin

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #16 on: September 03, 2012, 04:59:18 PM »

I feel like a cheese ball for saying this, but it's GREAT to be different. Looks mean pepper jack shit in the long run.

You feel like a cheese ball?

Miss Sahara

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #17 on: September 03, 2012, 07:19:46 PM »

concerning the attractiveness being all subjective thing:

to be fair, we do get used to images we see around us and people around us that imitate them and each other, so even if we don't like the standards that are being set it is hard to diverge from them and not feel a little strange...
(i went swimming last week with hairy legs for the first time, and even though i believe i have every right to do that and find hairy legs pretty in other women if i see them, it was a bit hard being exposed...)
that being said, from what i've seen, beautiful people (in a beauty standard way) doesn't equal happy people.




also, i just saw this:

http://www.chinasmack.com/2012/videos/chubby-taiwanese-teen-competes-in-body-building-competition.html

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NikosGr

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #18 on: September 03, 2012, 07:24:20 PM »

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Captain Oblivious

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #19 on: September 03, 2012, 07:27:39 PM »



also, i just saw this:

http://www.chinasmack.com/2012/videos/chubby-taiwanese-teen-competes-in-body-building-competition.html
that's what they call "fat flabby"?! no wonder...

In body building terms I can see their point. I don't think he's fat but to be a successful body builder you have to put a wee bit of effort in.
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Miss Sahara

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #20 on: September 03, 2012, 07:35:24 PM »



also, i just saw this:

http://www.chinasmack.com/2012/videos/chubby-taiwanese-teen-competes-in-body-building-competition.html
that's what they call "fat flabby"?! no wonder...

In body building terms I can see their point. I don't think he's fat but to be a successful body builder you have to put a wee bit of effort in.

also, on average, people there are much smaller and thinner than in europe, so to them it probably doesn't look as crazy calling him fat as it looks to us...
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NikosGr

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #21 on: September 03, 2012, 07:37:01 PM »



also, i just saw this:

http://www.chinasmack.com/2012/videos/chubby-taiwanese-teen-competes-in-body-building-competition.html
that's what they call "fat flabby"?! no wonder...

In body building terms I can see their point. I don't think he's fat but to be a successful body builder you have to put a wee bit of effort in.

those kids are scary, all body builders scare me actually. i feel like they're always just about to explode
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Paul

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #22 on: September 07, 2012, 08:30:13 PM »

Dear All,

Thanks a lot for your great responses....

I must admit that part of the reason why I felt intimidated by the beautiful, wealthy people of Bondi is that I know very few people here (having only recently moved) and all I have to go on is first impressions of the place. However I have made steps to try and sort out my self esteem, an ongoing effort but with some improvement.
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SpookyTwigg

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #23 on: September 08, 2012, 03:24:14 AM »

Dear All,

Thanks a lot for your great responses....

I must admit that part of the reason why I felt intimidated by the beautiful, wealthy people of Bondi is that I know very few peop

le here (having only recently moved) and all I have to go on is first impressions of the place. However I have made steps to try and sort out my self esteem, an ongoing effort but with some improvement.
Well very good luck to you. I hope you meet some people there and it makes it a little less daunting.
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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #24 on: September 10, 2012, 09:39:07 PM »

Sometimes I feel fabulous, other times I feel ugly. It's mainly my struggle with my body image. Years of being chubby and having a fat family tell me how ugly fat is. Well.... even after the 60 pounds were lost, I still feel uber ugly. Ironically, I love chubby guys.

But I've seen a picture of you before, Paul. I think you're sexy.
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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #25 on: September 11, 2012, 10:43:23 PM »

Paul is a good looking man.

There...I said it.

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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #26 on: December 13, 2013, 09:34:27 AM »

I have a dissonance from my body, so I'm not too concerned about how it looks(The exception being that I make sure I don't gain weight.) . Aesthetically pleasing is always nice, but I'm not lusting after being beautiful.
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Re: On Feeling Ugly....
« Reply #27 on: December 13, 2013, 03:47:50 PM »

Sometimes I feel fabulous, other times I feel ugly. It's mainly my struggle with my body image. Years of being chubby and having a fat family tell me how ugly fat is. Well.... even after the 60 pounds were lost, I still feel uber ugly. Ironically, I love chubby guys.

But I've seen a picture of you before, Paul. I think you're sexy.

Ha what about being too skinny? I've always been skinny and I can't help it. Especially girls can make very harsh comments about me, treating me like a girl (not being strong enough to do man-stuff).

I haven't had problems with my body but I am insecure about myself when it comes to the opposite sex. I've had a serious relationship in the past and I actually found it hard to believe she really liked me because she was so beautiful.

Also, I know I will be bald when I reach my 30's. That to me is the hardest part. My hair is the only thing I really like having. I would trade in a lot of stuff (I might even consider a hair transplant) to change this fact.
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