indeed, what a crazy way to land in dublin.
here's the story:
i could tell you about how hard it was for me and brian to tour in a car, then in a van, then in a tour bus for years, when our personalities are like oil and water.
i could tell you how women are from venus, relying on "feeling cherished and valued" for their sense of self-worth, and like to TALK over their problems and issues incessantly in as much detail as possible in COFFEESHOPS, thus alienating and totally confusing the men around them. and about how men are from mars, relying on "feeling needed and trusted" for their sense of self-worth, and how they like to go to isolated CAVES to mull over their problems, thus alienating and totally confusing the women around them.
(you can purchase the paperback on amazon for a mere few dollars: http://www.amazon.com/Men-Mars-Women-Venus-Understanding/dp/0060574216/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1222278382&sr=8-1
i, for one, found it lying on the sidewalk next to somebody's trash in the south end a few days ago and just read it on the plane. sign from god? pretty sure).
and i could tell you how putting a martian and a venusian in a small bottle and shaking them around for a lot of years would definitely cause some fucking heat, especially when their feelings for each other are complicated and imbalanced.
i could tell you about the first time the dresden dolls broke up, back in 2001. before anyone on the internet cared.
i could tell you about the time when the dresden dolls almost broke up for the second time (in new york, 2003, after a show at tonic). or the third (boston, 2004, in the attic of my house). or the fourth (london, 2006, in the lobby of a hotel. i think it was 2006. somewhere around then. check the date of the avril lavigne karaoke. it was that week).
i could tell you about how this relationship has been the ultimate teacher, an old sage wrapped in a shiny jack-in-the-box with sharp rusty teeth.
about how less is more and how there is never an answer and the minute you think you've found one, you're wrong.
i could tell you how the slow momentum of the band and the pressure on the two of us to deal with inhuman schedules and constant touring and lack of regard for our mental health nearly broke us.
i could tell you about all the things i wish i'd never said or done.
and about how pointless i think regret is.
i could tell you about all the times i realized that i was too selfish and unworthy to have a friend as devoted, reliable and faithful as brian viglione.
or about how, last year, brian took literally five months of man-cave time with no warning while i freaked out, first waiting by the phone for a few months, then writing him off as the world's shittiest friend, then letting it all go (lots of yoga was involved).
or about how hard it was not to blog about all this stuff when it was happening because it would have felt unfair and somehow classless.
(i relied on other outlets. my other friends. my solo record. and youtube. i urge you to go re-watch that avril video. the pain was real, dude).
and i could tell you about how making music with brian is one of the most sublime feelings i've ever felt.
i could tell you about how brian and i decided about a month ago to put the band on indefinite hold, in my words: to dock this floating ship somewhere warm 'til it thaws.
and about how we agreed to make no proclamations to the fanbase because, not ever knowing what the future holds, it was ridiculous to make any sort of announcement about a vague mystery,
only to be one of those cheesy bands who returns year after year for a fucking reunion tour, thus seeming dumber and dumber.
i could tell you about how this relationship has been my greatest teacher in life. nowhere, ever, have i learned more about myself, about love, about acceptance, about shutting up, about making space, and about the perils of judgment and trying to change others/yourself. and for that i owe brian the greatest debt.
i could tell you how disappointed i feel that brian didn't check in with me before he posted those comments to see how i felt, and how i feel sad that a lot of our people are out there are feeling let down because they read those comments. and how crappy it feels to have to hear about his feelings through a forum like this than to hear it directly.
and about how this isn't timed very well; this is the week my solo record is coming out and the eve of my first big solo tour....and talking about the hair-splitting details of the future of the band was not high on my list of priorities.
and about how maybe this is perfect timing and that brian chose this moment to air his feeling out not by accident. and that dealing with our differences is something we'll continue to do even when we're miles away from each other (literally and figuratively), that it's not something we can run from.
i could tell you how much of a bummer it is that brian didn't create an identity for himself here until the other day - and that his first posts were about his other band (ouch) and about the demise of the dolls (double ouch).
BUT, better late to the party than never. and brian's explanation to you all struck me as a really sensitive thing for him to do. and i'm really happy he did that.
and i'm even happier to see you guys taking care of each other. because this is what it's about.
being honest, communicating, dealing, finding balance. being there.
and i suppose, in telling you all the things i *could've* told you, i've told you them. tricky tricky, i am.
and about that there is nothing here that i haven't already said to brian, or wouldn't say to brian...out of love for our relationship, and for the work that we have done together and will do together.
he knows all this. and it's about time to share it with you guys, because i don't think, this time, that the truth will hurt.
it might even help. and heal.
and that this all makes me sad and frustrated, because the truth is never simple.
it's covered in many sides and bumps and bruises and blisters.
so here's what's going on, as far as amanda is concerned:
the dresden dolls aren't broken up. we're just expanding the empire.
while we work on other projects, join other bands, get perspective and travel the world doing god knows what (i'm overdue for a ten-year retreat at an ashram in india, i also want to learn to surf) we will continue to live in the ears, souls and minds of all who discover us anew, with your help. and more than likely, we will return to kick ass on the vast stages, speakers and other exciting platforms of the future. i am still praying for a teleporter.
like i said in that interview: i love making music with brian viglione way too much to imagine that we won't do more.
we don't know when, probably more than a year from now because we're pretty firmly entrenched in our projects (me in my solo record, and brian in his new kick-ass band, world/inferno, who you should go see, because they're awesome).
and if nothing happens, i'll be super fucking bummed.
and if one of us dies, that'll suck too.
and if the world collapses, then ... nobody will be around to give a shit about one little punk cabaret band.
but, for now, let's be optimistic.
peace & righteousness to you all.
let us disperse to our various caves and coffeeshops in sweet-ass harmony.
long live the punk cabaret.
can i get an amen.