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Author Topic: Death and Depression?  (Read 3146 times)

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caddy

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Death and Depression?
« on: December 29, 2008, 03:16:44 AM »

Yeah, there was already a topic about this last year in September, in Everything Else, but I thought I could make another one.  Not sure how successful it will be.  *shrugs*


Since finding out about the death today, I've been feeling horribly depressed.  I don't want to die in such a...useless way.  I don't really know what would become of my family and friends if I did die.  What would they say?  Because of my over-emotional behavior, would they be happy I was gone so they wouldn't have to deal with it, or would they be angry with me for not accomplishing some sort of serenity before I went, or even if I went for it and offed myself, would I be shrugged off, and forgotten by almost all those I knew by the end of the next couple of weeks?

The idea of death is so depressing.  I guess because of its banality, it's meant to be that way.  Unless it's romanticized, it's upsetting and distracting.  So now I've been staring at my computer screen blankly, checking the same four websites for the last three and a half hours trying to forget about it, but every small thing I read online makes me want to break something, or yell at somebody.

I can't sleep or shift my focus.  Even the thought of knowing that hardly anybody else shares my sadness over this is making it worse.  I've never actually KNOWN anybody who has died.  I kinda knew a guy in my class two years ago, but that's not nine years.  It's so different now.

My usual ways of dealing and coping are moot, as I can't really do any of them right now.  I hate feeling powerless over my own feelings.  I'm curious (if anybody wants to respond) to see how others deal with death and the depression that comes with it.  If anybody wants to bother responding, I suppose.
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Rob

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Re: Death and Depression?
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2008, 11:52:53 AM »

I have experienced the death of a few different people with whom I've had a few different relationships with.

The first time I experienced the death of someone close to me, it was my neighbor, Mr. Preacher.  We were not terribly close, but I had grown up living next to him and his family for about 14 years.  I didn't think much of it when my mom asked if I wanted to go to the funeral home for the viewing.  When I got there, I looked into the casket not knowing what to expect either from him or myself.  He looked so strange.  It was him, but it wasn't.  I began to cry.  I was so confused by this.  Cool 14 year-olds are supposed to be detatched and unaffected.  I was out of control.

A couple of years later, my Great Grandmother died.  She was the woman who raised my Mother after her mom passed.  They were very close, and I was close to here because of that.  We spent weekends at her home all the time and virtually every Holiday was celebrated with her.  I refused to attend her funeral based upon my response to Mr. Preacher.  I never cried about losing her.  I miss her, but I do not regret my decision.

Years later, my girlfriend (now my wife) became pregnant.  A lot of things happened for nine months...One night, the week of her due date, she was not feeling well and decided to take a bath.  She began to bleed, so her mother took her to the hospital.  By the time I got there, she was prepped for surgery, but the doctors couldn't find the baby's heartbeat.  A couple of hours later, we were informed that our little girl didn't mae it.  They told us that they would clean her up and bring her in  if we wanted to say goodbye.  Adriana said yes.  I said no.  I left the room before they brought her in.  A friend who was a n  urse at the hospital took some photos and a locke of hair.  I began self medicating almost immediately.  Of course I attended the funeral, but afterwards avoided everyone who came to the house.  I didn't want to hear everyone tell me how bad they fealt, or that it would all be better in time.  After a few months, I finally garnered the courage to look at the pictures.  Even though I never met her, I miss her soo much.  My eyes are welling up even as I type this.  She would be 20 years old.  I regret my decision to distance myself from her every time I think of her.

Since then, I have experienced the deaths of two Grandparents.  I dutifully attended both services without incident.  Some tears were shed, but only as expected. 

Each experience is unique. Each attempt to cope is unique.  Do what you need to do to keep yourself sane.  It is out of your hands.  I will be here for you.
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Musings

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Re: Death and Depression?
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2008, 12:25:34 PM »

I've dealt with a few.

There was the time I went to Sri Lanka when I was 7 and went to 5 funerals, including that of my maternal grandfather on the night before we were supposed to go back to the U.S.  In Sri Lanka, they hold the wake in the house, for several days, so I remember being slightly freaked out about sleeping in the room across from my grandfather's dead body.  I remember crying, because I had known and loved my grandfather for those two months, but actually being more upset because my mother was upset.  It was the same with my two grandmothers, although I was in the U.S. for those deaths and so distant.  I reacted more to the other people reacting.  When my older grandmother died at 98 this summer,  I was relieved.  She had been in so much pain when I saw her in June, just suffering, and as a devout Buddhist, wondering what she had done to deserve the suffering.

The summer after freshman year of college, one of the boys who lived in the room next to mine died in a car crash.  He was pretty universally loved, a real social guy, and he used to hang out in my room all the time or I would hang out in his, to listen to music or watch TV.  I remember his roommate tried to call me, left a message asking me to call back.  Then before he could, I got an email.  I thought it was a cruel joke, then realized it wasn't.  I was initially more worried about my friends from my hall, who were spread all over the world.  I didn't cry.  I went to this religious ceremony a few weeks later on, for the death anniversary of the mother and sister of one of my close friends, who died in a Sri Lankan bombing, and so that was a highly emotional thing to begin with.  At these ceremonies, people tend to serve the monks food, who are sitting on the floor.  I went, my hand was shaking, and I happened to spill a little food on one of the monks' robes, and suddenly I was crying and crying and I couldn't stop.  My parents wanted me to go talk to one of the monks, afterwards, which is when he told me that he must have died so young because he did something bad in a past life and I stopped calling myself a Buddhist for a while.  I cried again at a memorial service a few months later, when his parents came, and there was a recording of his voice.  His laugh, that really got to me.

As Rob says, and as I'm sure others will say, there is no right way.  It helped me, with my friends' death, to celebrate him with other friends.  We started out his memorial crying, and ended by dancing to his favorite song.  With my grandmothers, more recently, because my parents were in Sri Lanka and I was alone here, I wrote a lot.  Poetry, journals, blogs.  I reread the journal entries I had wrote about my grandmother when I visited in June, and tried to call myself back to those moments I had with her and appreciate the times we had had when she was alive.
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dangerpants

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Re: Death and Depression?
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2008, 03:48:39 PM »

When I was very young, my grandfather was very ill. He was a very big part of my life, as my grandparents often babysat me and my sisters. He was a professor of logic and philosophy at Moravian, and knew ancient Greek and Latin so he could do his own translations. I'm sure it wouldn't surprise you to know that my older sister and I both had Latin words amongst our first.
When he was dying, we weren't allowed to see him, so we waited in the waiting room. My dad ran over to a toy store and bought us a tape recorder so we could communicate... The tape still exists, but I don't know where it is. I didn't quite understand that he was gone, and I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral (I guess my parents thought it was too early for us to learn about death). Shortly after, I had my first episode of sleep paralysis... I saw him sitting at the foot of my bed, staring at his hands, and I tried so hard to say goodbye, or I love you, or something, but I couldn't move. That's when it sunk in... That gamp was dead and was never coming back.

In high school, I was still coming to terms with the fact that I was bi (I didn't have a name for it, so I assumed I was a freak), and wouldn't allow myself to even develop a crush. I faked a few to get along with the girlfriends, but one managed to slip through. He was so funny, and so loud and energetic and happy. He made a flammable ashtray for his brother. I decided that I would ask him out one Valentine's day, but a few days before they found him hanging in a tree. It was ruled as a suicide, but no one believes that.

A friend's brother shot himself in the face. He was a cancer survivor.

I rescued a friend from ODing... kind of. She was IMing me, obviously a cry for help, telling me that I could have half her cd collection, I'd just have to split it with another one of our friends. Her mother randomly showed up at my house to ask me about an assignment that my friend and I had, and I made her rush back home.

A friend of mine was vacationing, and was trying to slip out the balcony to visit with some boys who had catcalled her earlier. She slipped and fell onto some rocks.

In college, a friend died. He was found hanging by a belt that wasn't his, with defensive marks on his forearms. He was wheeled out of his dorm room uncovered, so that everyone could see him. It was ruled a suicide. He never finished his novel. His sister is trying.

Two friends that I had lost contact with died from poisoned heroin. One left behind a newborn. The other basically died in the two minutes that her family had been out of the house. Her stepdad did CPR, but she was brain dead. They donated her viable organs.

In high school, I was in a really bad relationship, and tried to commit suicide. Obviously, I failed. What I had to go through after that one attempt (there were other less obvious attempts before that) made me never want to even try again. The idea of never having to deal with anything bad or stressful again was just so appealing... But in the end, it's not worth it. The pain and suffering that you put your friends and family through is unfathomable.

My major problem with dealing with death is that I keep feeling that I need to get over it. There is no "over it." There is no need to forget. Grief is not some mountain that you need to climb. It's something that will shade your vision for a long time, it's a cloud that will eventually dissipate but never disappear. The harder you try to get it over with, to get "happy" again, the darker it gets. This is one time, I believe, in which you much indulge your darker side. Fucking cry. Hug somebody for a long time. Listen to your own heart beat. Rejoice in your own warmth and life (and that of your friends and family), and grieve for and love the ones you've lost. Life really is short, but you and I are still young. There's no reason not to feel.
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CeeGBee

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Re: Death and Depression?
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2008, 04:43:27 PM »

That Danger...  Just when ya get to thinking she's simply a pretty face with mucho attitude,
she turns out to have depth and substance.

(I didn't have a name for it, so I assumed I was a freak)
...and so perceptive at an early age....


...But yeah, what she said.
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yosmark

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Re: Death and Depression?
« Reply #5 on: December 29, 2008, 09:03:12 PM »

I have barely had experiences with death, 6 or 7 seven years ago one of my aunts died, I didn´t know how to react, I liked her a lot & my mother says she loved me a lot too but I just really didn´t know what to do so that experience was "blocked" but the last year two of my uncles died one was not very close to the family since he lived in another state but my other uncle was very close to my dad, It was awfull how I would woke up that day, because I woke up to my cellphone ringing due to a text message saying my uncle just died; God, I remember how my dad looked that morning I couldn´t help it I really felt bad that morning.

I don´t fear as much for my death but for the death of people who I love, it really scares me, damn it freaks me out.
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caddy

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Re: Death and Depression?
« Reply #6 on: December 29, 2008, 09:25:03 PM »

I've kinda just been in bed all day, not wanting to get up, but my goodness.

I don't know how to respond to everyone.  Reading it all has made me feel better (I appreciate the longer posts, so no worries, Sarah), but wow.  I don't really have any one response for any one person.  I...umm...  Hmm.

I'm just going to think about this a bit more.  I'm happy to read it, but I'm afraid to see anybody else I know (even better) die.  I can't imagine what would happen to me if my sister or mom died.  I don't want my mom's mom to die.  My dad is an idiot and a damned fool, but I don't want to get the call one day that he has died, either.  I don't know how to react if the person was even closer.

My sister's not happy about the girl's death, as they were much closer than I was.  *sighs*


Thanks for caring enough to respond.  <33
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Re: Death and Depression?
« Reply #7 on: December 30, 2008, 04:23:14 AM »

Caddy I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I am just going to say what everyone else has said and tell you that there is no right or wrong way to feel.

And your fear in seeing someone else you know die is perfectly understandable.

I felt the same way when a really good friend of mine died 7 years ago. He was 23 and he died from a sudden heart attack. No one ever picked up that he had a heart condition until it was too late.

For about 6 months after he died I was paralysed by the fear of it happening to anyone else I knew. I knew people that had died before but I had never known someone as well as I knew him and for a while there I didn't think I could cope. I can remember asking my mother if I would ever feel better. She said I would, but that she didn't think that people really truly ever got over the great losses in their lives - they just find ways to endure and eventually life goes on.

I still think about him. Every now and again I still cry about him too.

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Re: Death and Depression?
« Reply #8 on: December 30, 2008, 12:24:43 PM »

I've said this in a thread before but I don't think this is too bad a thing to repeat.

I think people often find death a difficult thing to talk about but it really does help to share.

As well as chatting to friends it can help to talk to people who are trained to deal with this type of stuff. There are lots of helplines, if you're in the uk you could try The Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90  or www.samaritans.org

I know this is kind of obvious stuff but I think sometimes at 3 in the morning when things are going around in our heads and we don't know who we can call, we forget there is anonymous listening ear out there.
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virtual~mary

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Re: Death and Depression?
« Reply #9 on: December 30, 2008, 02:47:04 PM »

i'm sorry to hear of your loss, caddy.

as mentioned by others, there is no "right" way to grieve, but there are certainly pitfalls to healthy grieving such as avoidance, isolation, drug/alcohol abuse, etc. 

remember that in addition to moving at your own pace through grief, it's important to give full vent to your feelings and acknowledge, as specifically as you can, what was lost. this helps you to integrate the experience and will, with time, bring it into perspective and help you deal with future losses. if you start to feel overwhelmed by your feelings, you can take "breaks" from your outward grief. if you go through periods of "frozen feelings" remember that this is normal and a coping mechanism (unless it is prolonged).

if this death is in close proximity to others (for example, several people in your circles dying, in say, 12 months) or the circumstances were tramatic (freak accident, your child, suicide, murder) you may want to seek the assistance of a counselor.

caddy

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Re: Death and Depression?
« Reply #10 on: December 30, 2008, 03:37:05 PM »

*murrs*

Like I said, my sister was closer to her than I was (so I really don't need to speak to somebody about it), but I'm afraid of anybody else I know dying.  Even just a little bit closer to my circle, and I WOULD have to speak to somebody about it.  Right now, I'm just going along with it, and trying to find out when the funeral is.  I wish this were an April Fool, kinda.

*thinks*

Wow, you guys have experienced this much more than I ever have.  Reading this thread makes me feel kinda...like a n00b.  *frowns*

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Alyss

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Re: Death and Depression?
« Reply #11 on: February 25, 2009, 10:10:00 AM »

When I go I want to sniped from a mile away in the back of the head.
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