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Author Topic: the suicide thread  (Read 66978 times)

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Tomatoes and Radiowire

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the suicide thread
« on: February 25, 2009, 12:36:05 AM »

not sure if this already exist but ah..

so recently a friend of mine was mad at me because I discredited his compliment fishing
he was going on and on about how suicidal he is and how he "just might end it."

I told him that he'd be hard pressed to find somebody who didn't seriously consider killing themselves at least once.
if not that then more frequently.

I used to be like this too, but seeing everyone else with their unfulfilled suicidal threats has sort of conditioned me against it.

what do you guys think?
am I right or just being insensitive?


also, what are some of your suicide related stories?

85283-071

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2009, 12:44:56 AM »

I have the awesomest suicide plan. I devised a way to detonate myself, hang myself, shoot myself, overdose, drown, AND get eaten by sharks... all in the time it takes to catch a catfish.
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yosmark

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #2 on: February 25, 2009, 12:46:17 AM »

^Yeah, your method is in the other thread, that was an "interesting" choice.

I am tempted to do the Jesse but nah, something good can come up in a new discussion.
[emo]
Thoughts, mm whenever depression kicks in really hard I start to think about it, I think of the easiest way out & considering I don't think there is "something on the other side" death tends to be the easiest answer; Although it's a silly choice, I ended up realizing about that a while ago, at least for me the things I still want to do motivate me to continue.[/emo]

I need to sleep.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #3 on: February 25, 2009, 12:53:32 AM »

I've thought about it. Had 'good' reasons for it too. But I know I could never do it, so I don't take such thoughts seriously.

Although I once, in a dark dark time, desired a sort of passive-suicide, whereby something would come along and kill me, so I'd disappear without my friends and family knowing I had done it. Some twisted misguided sense of protection for them. Thank goodness I'm better now.
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mitrepeak

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #4 on: February 25, 2009, 01:04:34 AM »

Spent like, six years with suicidal thoughts on and off. I don't think I will ever go back to thinking about that or considering it again. Ever. Regardless of how crap or shitty things are, I know it's not the end of the world. I've only gotten over it in the past 5 months, but there's really nothing rational behind thinking "I want to kill myself" and I honestly realise that now.

Lots and lots of thinking and fighting with myself, but it feels good to say I've woken up every day for five months happy. That is a BIG thing for me.

You need a support network around you.. that's what got me through my teenage years. Can't imagine where I would be without friends, but I chose not to involve my family though they knew I was unhappy. I think quite differently now and would probably reach out to my family for help if I ever did need it again. In the end though, the only way I got over my shit was to move to another country and start over, surrounded by nobody that I knew, with no support network, other than talking to friends on the interwebz every now and then.

I have known people who've been affected by suicide.. nasty thing.
ps - if anyone ever needs an ear, please PM me and I will be happy to listen to you if you're feeling down. Promise I'm not crazy and won't think you are either. :)

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Tomatoes and Radiowire

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #5 on: February 25, 2009, 01:08:26 AM »

I have a feeling there are going to be a shit load of little miss sunshine references here.



^Yeah, your method is in the other thread, that was an "interesting" choice.

I am tempted to do the Jesse but nah, something good can come up in a new discussion.
[emo]
Thoughts, mm whenever depression kicks in really hard I start to think about it, I think of the easiest way out & considering I don't think there is "something on the other side" death tends to be the easiest answer; Although it's a silly choice, I ended up realizing about that a while ago, at least for me the things I still want to do motivate me to continue.[/emo]

I need to sleep.

was it birthday cake?
come on, you know it was birthday cake.
that is, the metaphorical birthday cake.
no matter how shit something gets at least once a year, you get birthday cake!!!
nothing can make you depressed when you've got birthday cake!!! except when you're already depressed and then you're given birthday cake, but you're to loathsome to enjoy it so you hate yourself more.... I think that still applies to the metaphor..

I've thought about it. Had 'good' reasons for it too. But I know I could never do it, so I don't take such thoughts seriously.

Although I once, in a dark dark time, desired a sort of passive-suicide, whereby something would come along and kill me, so I'd disappear without my friends and family knowing I had done it. Some twisted misguided sense of protection for them. Thank goodness I'm better now.

jeez, how awfully characteristic of you.
looking out for everyone else even in death?
I'm selfish. I would only think like that when something dangerous was near and wonder what the people against me would feel.



itevaporated

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #6 on: February 25, 2009, 01:13:12 AM »

I had a friend commit suicide four years back this April. There are still loads of questions and what ifs and sadness surrounding it all. Not something I'd ever wish upon anyone.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #7 on: February 25, 2009, 01:15:36 AM »

I've thought about it. Had 'good' reasons for it too. But I know I could never do it, so I don't take such thoughts seriously.

Although I once, in a dark dark time, desired a sort of passive-suicide, whereby something would come along and kill me, so I'd disappear without my friends and family knowing I had done it. Some twisted misguided sense of protection for them. Thank goodness I'm better now.

jeez, how awfully characteristic of you.
looking out for everyone else even in death?
I'm selfish. I would only think like that when something dangerous was near and wonder what the people against me would feel.

I sometimes feel I come across as 'overly nice' here.

...but in this case, it's a really big deal. It's the one thing that has kept me most from thinking about suicide more seriously, because I hate upsetting people, and I don't want to hurt the people I care closely about. I know how I'd be utterly broken if someone close to me died, and if suicide...that'd be even worse. I'm not saying there aren't also 'well, I'm gonna die someday, so why hurry it?' thoughts in there as well, as well as 'screw you life, I'm not going to let you beat me', but honestly it is the desire not to hurt my friends that keeps me most from self-destructive behaviour.
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Tomatoes and Radiowire

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #8 on: February 25, 2009, 01:38:22 AM »

I've thought about it. Had 'good' reasons for it too. But I know I could never do it, so I don't take such thoughts seriously.

Although I once, in a dark dark time, desired a sort of passive-suicide, whereby something would come along and kill me, so I'd disappear without my friends and family knowing I had done it. Some twisted misguided sense of protection for them. Thank goodness I'm better now.

jeez, how awfully characteristic of you.
looking out for everyone else even in death?
I'm selfish. I would only think like that when something dangerous was near and wonder what the people against me would feel.

I sometimes feel I come across as 'overly nice' here.

...but in this case, it's a really big deal. It's the one thing that has kept me most from thinking about suicide more seriously, because I hate upsetting people, and I don't want to hurt the people I care closely about. I know how I'd be utterly broken if someone close to me died, and if suicide...that'd be even worse. I'm not saying there aren't also 'well, I'm gonna die someday, so why hurry it?' thoughts in there as well, as well as 'screw you life, I'm not going to let you beat me', but honestly it is the desire not to hurt my friends that keeps me most from self-destructive behaviour.
some french word I've never heard of
:buck2:

yes, I know people like you.
often times it keeps them from doing what they want with their lives, but you seem like you're more in control than that. still, even if it's out of some subconsciously imprinted fear, it's still nice to have nice (or even overlynice) people around.
nice to see some self empowerment in there too though.

Rini Martini

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #9 on: February 25, 2009, 08:12:45 AM »

I've gone on and off seriously wanting to end it, several times... That's not to say I'm petty, at all, there are just times when I'm significantly better at coping and talking myself out of it than others.


I used to be like this too, but seeing everyone else with their unfulfilled suicidal threats has sort of conditioned me against it.

what do you guys think?
am I right or just being insensitive?


I totally understand what you're saying. There are times I worry that I might be having the same effect on someone close to me. I've only ever spoken to one person about the feelings I've had, but more than once, when I've been at my lowest - a guy I used to go out with. He's a great friend and he's been really supportive, always encouraging me to talk, but there are times when I worry that he might almost think badly of me if I didn't go through with it, dismissing it as a 'cry for attention', as they say.

Rson, try really hard to be patient with your friend. If he doesn't think you take his feelings seriously, it'll lower his self-esteem and could potentially spur him on to go through with it. It's a difficult situation.

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JessyLou22

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #10 on: February 25, 2009, 09:17:14 AM »

i like that this is being talked about here.

i like that some of you are talking about it in ways that make me laugh.  that [/emo] shit made me laugh.  Thank you for that.

Suicide is something that has profoundly affected my life.  A friend just died last year, and a few others here and there, throughout the years.  And lets just say its more than crossed my mind.

Its a struggle every day... really for anyone i guess.


Again, thanks for making me laugh.
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Alyss

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #11 on: February 25, 2009, 10:07:42 AM »

I heartily support anyone who wishes to end their life. A lot of people say it's cowardly, but I don't agree.
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Bubblegum Britt

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #12 on: February 25, 2009, 11:46:59 AM »

I heartily support anyone who wishes to end their life. A lot of people say it's cowardly, but I don't agree.

So if someone told you, a close friend, that they were gonna kill themselves, you would say, "Go ahead."
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Half Mar

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #13 on: February 25, 2009, 12:01:04 PM »

I heartily support anyone who wishes to end their life. A lot of people say it's cowardly, but I don't agree.

So if someone told you, a close friend, that they were gonna kill themselves, you would say, "Go ahead."

Same question... 'cause I think you are having a weird point of view then, to say the least.
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Domestibot

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #14 on: February 25, 2009, 12:14:36 PM »

I can comprehend Alyss' take on the whole thing... here's why:

I particularly have a difficult time "comforting" friends who consider suicide.  I see things the exact same way they're describing... how life is pointless, nothing they do matters, etc. This is not to say I'm depressed... in fact, I love my life.  I love everything about my life, and I'm a very happy person.

The difference between me and them is that I've accepted the absurdity to life.  They can't.  They want to fight life, they want it to be something other than what it is.  That's just not possible.  So when a friend comes to me contemplating suicide, I find myself in a hard place because I can't just lie to them and say there's a point and meaning to life when I personally don't feel that way. 

I try telling them that yes, there might not be a big, important reason reason to life, but that makes life all the more beautiful, because they can make their own point for themselves.  This usually works, but if not...

Well, let me just say that if a friend truly cannot accept this absurdity, that they're in so much pain living is just not worth it... then as a friend, I support whatever decision they make.  If that's suicide, all I can tell them is that I'll miss them. 

I never had a friend who committed suicide, and I usually take such declarations with a grain of salt.  People frequently proclaim that they'll "kill themselves" and in my experience it's mostly been a cry for attention, or another way of dealing with problems or garnering support.  I am well aware this is not always the case. 

JessyLou22

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #15 on: February 25, 2009, 11:17:40 PM »

can i just say; as i slowly ease myself into these boards...


we're all a bunch of freaks.


i like that.  O0
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85283-071

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #16 on: February 26, 2009, 12:20:06 AM »

I've had a few friends... acquaintances, commit suicide. One friend once told one of these suicides to go ahead and do it. It was a couple years before he actually did, and I don't know if my friend thinks about those words he said, or the logic behind them. I know it was in the tough love spirit, and I don't imagine it played any role in Bart's eventual follow through, but the thought of one event always leads me to think of the other. I've never asked my friend if he thought about what he said. I don't know how the logic feels to him now, or if he's ever said that to anyone else. Fifteen years have passed. My friend is a teacher. I troubleshoot cable. Bart is still dead. Clay is dead. Bruce is dead. Johnny is dead. There are others, but those are the direct suicides. There are a few AIDS victims. The dope and tricks are a sort of suicide I guess. Several overdoses. More fakers of suicide though. Lots of fakers. Lots of people trained to keep making it a part of their lives because people react the way the person wants them to.

I call out bullshitters sometimes. I tell people suicide is stupid. I say it's a copout. I try to offer the perspective that can embrace and draw good from pain and trials of life.

I never tell anyone to go ahead and do it. Never.
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85283-071

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #17 on: February 26, 2009, 12:20:34 AM »

can i just say; as i slowly ease myself into these boards...


we're all a bunch of freaks.


i like that.  O0

Oh... almost forgot. Everyone but me.
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Alyss

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #18 on: February 26, 2009, 01:40:54 AM »

I heartily support anyone who wishes to end their life. A lot of people say it's cowardly, but I don't agree.

So if someone told you, a close friend, that they were gonna kill themselves, you would say, "Go ahead."
Yes. If you can't be allowed to choose to opt out of this horrible little reality we dwell in, then you have no point to living in it anyway. The freedom to make personal choices is the most important freedom anyone can ever have.
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BB Gun-it

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #19 on: February 26, 2009, 02:01:18 AM »

I heartily support anyone who wishes to end their life. A lot of people say it's cowardly, but I don't agree.

So if someone told you, a close friend, that they were gonna kill themselves, you would say, "Go ahead."
Yes. If you can't be allowed to choose to opt out of this horrible little reality we dwell in, then you have no point to living in it anyway. The freedom to make personal choices is the most important freedom anyone can ever have.

I'm not going to say that suicide is cowardly, either. I'll say it's unfortunate, sad, unnecessary, heartbreaking, understandable, a bad decision, and even, but very rarely, a good choice for the person. But not cowardly. However, I think that telling a close friend to go ahead and kill themselves is wrong in every way. There is a difference between being allowed to off one's self and being encouraged to off one's self.

Anyone can kill themselves. Newsflash, I know. But there is help that people can get. It's not a bad thing. If someone can get help, and work toward changing their opinion of their existence as a "horrible little reality," I'd say that would be incentive enough not to encourage them to kill themselves. Not to mention that if, as a close friend of theirs, you let them know that you do not value their presence in your life enough to say, "hey, don't kill yourself, get help," the probability that they'll go through with it is only increased.
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Alyss

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #20 on: February 26, 2009, 02:03:12 AM »

Telling and condoning are totally different. I'd never encourage people to kill themselves (though Alice has), but if they wanted to I wouldn't stop them.
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Bubblegum Britt

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #21 on: February 26, 2009, 07:00:37 AM »

I heartily support anyone who wishes to end their life. A lot of people say it's cowardly, but I don't agree.

So if someone told you, a close friend, that they were gonna kill themselves, you would say, "Go ahead."
Yes. If you can't be allowed to choose to opt out of this horrible little reality we dwell in, then you have no point to living in it anyway. The freedom to make personal choices is the most important freedom anyone can ever have.

Okay, and I mean this in the least bitchiest way possible, but if the world is so horrible, why are you still alive? I still don't understand how someone can think the world is such a terrible place, yet they're still here. You gotta like something about it

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85283-071

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #22 on: February 26, 2009, 09:23:52 AM »

It's all perspective. This world is wondrous and amazing. Magical and fascinating.
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Alyss

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #23 on: February 26, 2009, 02:49:19 PM »

I heartily support anyone who wishes to end their life. A lot of people say it's cowardly, but I don't agree.

So if someone told you, a close friend, that they were gonna kill themselves, you would say, "Go ahead."
Yes. If you can't be allowed to choose to opt out of this horrible little reality we dwell in, then you have no point to living in it anyway. The freedom to make personal choices is the most important freedom anyone can ever have.

Okay, and I mean this in the least bitchiest way possible, but if the world is so horrible, why are you still alive? I still don't understand how someone can think the world is such a terrible place, yet they're still here. You gotta like something about it


Because I'm far too much of a coward.
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Indja

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #24 on: February 26, 2009, 04:21:55 PM »

I heartily support anyone who wishes to end their life. A lot of people say it's cowardly, but I don't agree.

So if someone told you, a close friend, that they were gonna kill themselves, you would say, "Go ahead."
Yes. If you can't be allowed to choose to opt out of this horrible little reality we dwell in, then you have no point to living in it anyway. The freedom to make personal choices is the most important freedom anyone can ever have.

Okay, and I mean this in the least bitchiest way possible, but if the world is so horrible, why are you still alive? I still don't understand how someone can think the world is such a terrible place, yet they're still here. You gotta like something about it


Because I'm far too much of a coward.

Same. Every time I think about it - which is a lot, and don't call me emo or I'll hit you with my Kaiser Chiefs CDs - the one thing that stops me, apart from not owning a gun which is how I think I'd do it, is fear. It's like in Hamlet's soliloquy - "the dread of something after death ... makes us rather bear those ills we have / Than fly to others that we know not of".
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Tomatoes and Radiowire

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #25 on: February 26, 2009, 04:25:56 PM »

I heartily support anyone who wishes to end their life. A lot of people say it's cowardly, but I don't agree.

So if someone told you, a close friend, that they were gonna kill themselves, you would say, "Go ahead."
Yes. If you can't be allowed to choose to opt out of this horrible little reality we dwell in, then you have no point to living in it anyway. The freedom to make personal choices is the most important freedom anyone can ever have.

Okay, and I mean this in the least bitchiest way possible, but if the world is so horrible, why are you still alive? I still don't understand how someone can think the world is such a terrible place, yet they're still here. You gotta like something about it


Because I'm far too much of a coward.

oh you are just so DARK

Indja

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #26 on: February 26, 2009, 04:30:44 PM »

Can I be DARK too? Can I, Rson? Pleeeaaase! xD
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #27 on: February 26, 2009, 04:34:05 PM »

Suicide ends a lot more than just one life.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #28 on: February 26, 2009, 05:02:09 PM »

My Godfather blew his head off the day after my father's 73rd birthday. My dad called to thank him for his card and found out about it. I don't know if I've screamed so loud in my life.

I've debated and attempted suicide before in my younger years. My most recent run in with these thoughts I was doped up on anti depressants and had a little too much to drink, and debated (happily mind you) jumping off of my balcony at the Courtyard into rush hour traffic on International BLVD in Atlanta. Or in high school when I blew my dad off to go to a football game and we heard his car crash three blocks up later that evening. When I found out that the crash we heard had been my father, I determined that if I got word he was dead, I was going to nose dive off the back of the 30 foot bleachers.

I guess at the time that you're feeling these feelings, you're not really thinking about the impact that it's going to have on the people around you. It's a matter of rationalization. It's been my experience too that people who voice a desire to kill themselves, are really just looking for a subject that will ease them into the line of attention. And I don't mean that in a shitty way. I mean that people might just be feeling really alone, and they need someone to relate to them, and voicing an idea, such as suicide, will let people around them understand what they're feeling. It's the people that don't voice those feelings that wind up doing it and killing little pieces of people around them.
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Indja

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #29 on: February 26, 2009, 05:05:10 PM »

I'll admit, I sometimes - not often mind - say things that I hope to God someone will pick up on so that they'll sort of force me to confront what's wrong. I just can't bring myself to do it by myself, you know?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #30 on: February 26, 2009, 05:14:49 PM »

I'll admit, I sometimes - not often mind - say things that I hope to God someone will pick up on so that they'll sort of force me to confront what's wrong. I just can't bring myself to do it by myself, you know?

I totally get that. I mean... I've been freak girl most of my life. I didn't even have friends until middle school, and then by high school I was getting spit on in hallways and shoved into lockers. At one point I even received a head injury so severe it causes me seizures now, so I really understand what it's like to feel like ass. I could probably write a book about the last 5 years of my life that would make mothers love their children more. And sometimes you feel like if you say something, you're going to get rejected more. Or you feel selfish, thinking that other people have bigger problems that matter more than yours. The fact of the matter is that when it comes to your health and safety, you should matter most. A shitty life is still a life.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #31 on: February 26, 2009, 05:42:44 PM »

I heartily support anyone who wishes to end their life. A lot of people say it's cowardly, but I don't agree.

So if someone told you, a close friend, that they were gonna kill themselves, you would say, "Go ahead."
Yes. If you can't be allowed to choose to opt out of this horrible little reality we dwell in, then you have no point to living in it anyway. The freedom to make personal choices is the most important freedom anyone can ever have.

Okay, and I mean this in the least bitchiest way possible, but if the world is so horrible, why are you still alive? I still don't understand how someone can think the world is such a terrible place, yet they're still here. You gotta like something about it


Because I'm far too much of a coward.

I think it's because you actually ENJOY LIVING, but you don't want to for some reason.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #32 on: February 26, 2009, 05:59:04 PM »

I heartily support anyone who wishes to end their life. A lot of people say it's cowardly, but I don't agree.

So if someone told you, a close friend, that they were gonna kill themselves, you would say, "Go ahead."
Yes. If you can't be allowed to choose to opt out of this horrible little reality we dwell in, then you have no point to living in it anyway. The freedom to make personal choices is the most important freedom anyone can ever have.

Okay, and I mean this in the least bitchiest way possible, but if the world is so horrible, why are you still alive? I still don't understand how someone can think the world is such a terrible place, yet they're still here. You gotta like something about it


Because I'm far too much of a coward.

I think it's because you actually ENJOY LIVING, but you don't want to for some reason.

I think that's a poorly made assumption on your part.  There are people out there who feel like the cons outweigh the pros of living, but are too chickenshit to get it over with.  Just because I person meanders through life, doesn't mean they enjoy living.  It's more like ... I've never DIED before, and I don't know how much that's going to hurt.

>_>

And no, I have never, seriously, made an attempt on my own life.  I figure if I'd be willing to throw it all away like that, then I should take that energy, and focus it on doing wild and insane things.  Like moving 3,000 miles across the country.  And should I feel suicidal, I'll just move again.  Or do something fucking crazy...like move across seas.  Get a sex change.  Do something.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #33 on: February 26, 2009, 06:22:03 PM »

I've never had an active suicidal thought, I just occasionally seem to have moments at the strangest of times. Like, in a check in queue for a plane or just walking along a busy street, or on a nice sunny summer day, I'll suddenly and fleetingly think- god, we're all going to die anyway, it would be so easy just to end it now. Which then gets consumed but "stop being so silly, I'd miss so and so and my mum would never forgive me, blah...."

But, for the few seconds that the thought is there, it is quite honest. Not depressing, just.... clarity.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #34 on: February 26, 2009, 06:26:29 PM »

I've never had an active suicidal thought, I just occasionally seem to have moments at the strangest of times. Like, in a check in queue for a plane or just walking along a busy street, or on a nice sunny summer day, I'll suddenly and fleetingly think- god, we're all going to die anyway, it would be so easy just to end it now. Which then gets consumed but "stop being so silly, I'd miss so and so and my mum would never forgive me, blah...."

But, for the few seconds that the thought is there, it is quite honest. Not depressing, just.... clarity.

I understand that. Almost like if I end it now, I won't have to worry about when or how it'll happen later.

I have scary death fears. Like, say a car cuts us off and we slam on the breaks just milliseconds before slamming into the other car, my brain continues the crash. I go flying through the windshield and hear my neck snap before I come out of it and we're continuing our journey down the road. (Cars fuck me up... I have no desire to drive, EVER)
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #35 on: February 26, 2009, 06:48:49 PM »

On my first visit to Munich, I was about to cross the road in front of the main station when someone with me shouted at me to stop. I didn't hear exactly what they said, and stopped to turn to them. I'd say I felt, rather than saw, the tram hurtle past, right where I'd been about to step. I spent the next hour in shock, and the rest of the day feeling that I should be dead, or at least in hospital. I still get scared thinking about it.

I'm also convinced I'll crash and die and possibly kill my passangers if I ever choose to drive. I can be paranoid like that.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #36 on: February 26, 2009, 06:55:45 PM »

I'm glad I'm not the only one. It happens with everything though, not just cars. I worked in a plastic factory for nearly a year and I'd have crazy continuing thoughts of the mold closing on my arms or my head while I was getting a piece out of the machine, or of slicing parts of my hands off as I was trimming the plastic. Then one time, I actually sliced my finger down to the bone and was oddly fascinated by the amount of blood that came gushing out of me before I passed out, came to (soaked in finger blood), and walked upstairs to the office to seal it shut with super glue.

crazy shit.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #37 on: February 26, 2009, 09:00:12 PM »

I heartily support anyone who wishes to end their life. A lot of people say it's cowardly, but I don't agree.

So if someone told you, a close friend, that they were gonna kill themselves, you would say, "Go ahead."
Yes. If you can't be allowed to choose to opt out of this horrible little reality we dwell in, then you have no point to living in it anyway. The freedom to make personal choices is the most important freedom anyone can ever have.

Okay, and I mean this in the least bitchiest way possible, but if the world is so horrible, why are you still alive? I still don't understand how someone can think the world is such a terrible place, yet they're still here. You gotta like something about it


Because I'm far too much of a coward.

I think it's because you actually ENJOY LIVING, but you don't want to for some reason.
I think that life is actually a struggle to ignore or overcome the inherently horrible nature of the world. In the end, everyone loses.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #38 on: February 26, 2009, 09:08:16 PM »

There is nothing inherently horrible about the world.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #39 on: February 26, 2009, 09:11:14 PM »

Volcanos. Termites. Syphilis.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #40 on: February 26, 2009, 09:13:37 PM »

Alyss you are amazingly emo.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #41 on: February 26, 2009, 09:15:10 PM »

I'm currently listening to the Juno soundtrack and grinning my face off. Your theories are poorly researched.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #42 on: February 26, 2009, 09:17:11 PM »

Alyss you are amazingly emo.
What else is new?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #43 on: February 26, 2009, 09:20:04 PM »

I'm currently listening to the Juno soundtrack and grinning my face off. Your theories are poorly researched.

Now a days everyone/everything is emo, everything that is different or not understandable is emo, I have been called emo a bunch of times lately.

F, if you are listening to Juno's soundtrack it doesn't mean you are emo, it means you are a sissy.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #44 on: February 26, 2009, 09:25:21 PM »

Alyss you are amazingly emo.
What else is new?
"I'm not the one that's crazy."
"But it's more productive than if I were to be happy."
"How many happy endings do you need to change your FUCKING mind?!"

F, if you are listening to Juno's soundtrack it doesn't mean you are emo, it means you are a sissy.
"Do it for the monsters under your bed!"
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #45 on: February 26, 2009, 09:26:47 PM »

Alyss you are amazingly emo.
What else is new?
"I'm not the one that's crazy."
"But it's more productive than if I were to be happy."
"How many happy endings do you need to change your FUCKING mind?!"

F, if you are listening to Juno's soundtrack it doesn't mean you are emo, it means you are a sissy.
"Do it for the monsters under your bed!"

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I like my new bunny suit
When I wear it I feel cute
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #46 on: February 26, 2009, 09:42:21 PM »

"I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else: but you!"
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #47 on: February 26, 2009, 10:25:46 PM »

I'm currently listening to the Juno soundtrack and grinning my face off. Your theories are poorly researched.

Good God, Why?! With the exception of Belle and Sebastian and there actually being a song by Buddy Holly, and maybe two others, the soundtrack to that movie made my ears bleed.


In your defense, lets go ahead and say fuck the emo spiel.

Emo is paraphrasing the word "emotional", in reference to the whiny bitch mentality that seems to be the basis of every teenager in the year 2009 and a few year years prior's attempts at individuality. I was once deemed "emo" for listing my favorite band as The Cure. For the first year and a half that emo was a classification, I thought people were calling me an Emu, and I was completely lost on the subject. But I stray off course.

By my understanding of the word,  Emo=unhappy and overly emotional.
If you are in fact smiling and using happy exclamation points, you are clearly not whiny and miserable, and therefore not "emo". right?   O0
"I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else: but you!"

Gee thanks, You're not half bad yourself. ^_^
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #48 on: February 26, 2009, 11:35:09 PM »

Volcanos. Termites. Syphilis.

Termites are tasty. Volcanos are fascinating. Syphillis... well, there's not much of a good angle on that, except I don't have it.

I could list more happy things than you could sad things.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #49 on: February 27, 2009, 02:07:36 AM »

PUPPIES. FLOWERS. RAINBOWS. GENITALS WITHOUT STDS.

even I sometimes forget these things do exist, but it's about where you choose to focus your ignorance.
it's just as naive to think the world is inherently evil as it is to think it's completely good.
you won't deal with everyone's cheery gracious optimism in trying to help you, so I'll just argue.

you know, there are...    MUCH     WORSE      THINGSSS!!!!

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #50 on: February 27, 2009, 02:24:01 AM »

I just found out that my friend's ex-boyfriend committed suicide this morning. They'd been going out for a few years and she broke up with him two weeks ago because he'd cheated on her etc. I don't know if she's blaming herself and thinking that she could have prevented it, but probably. I hope this doesn't fuck her up for life, she was just starting to get some good things happening. Suicide is a personal choice, but the ramifications it has on those friends and loved ones left behind are profound.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #51 on: February 27, 2009, 05:17:56 AM »

I understand the concept that suicide hurts the people left behind but I doubt anyone could hurt as much as the person who felt so much despair, so little hope and so little joy that the feel their only choice is to end their life.

It's hard to talk to friends and family about this issue. If people keep saying they want to do it and then get past those feelings it can be hard not to see that as attention seeking sometimes. Also friends and family worry and express how the person's death would make them feel- this can make someone feel emotionally blackmailed (even though that was probably the very LAST thing the friends or family wanted) and then the person who is thinking of ending their life is ONLY living for the well being of others.

I have posted these details before but will do so again as it still feels appropriate to do so. The service does not suit everyone but in the dark hours of the morning then it has to be worth a try....

If you live in the UK the number is 08457 90 90 90 or you can also use the e mail service jo@samaritans.org

Maybe someone could post other details of listening services elsewhere?

Sometimes it's good to talk to someone who you don't know to explore those feelings...
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #52 on: February 27, 2009, 05:44:49 AM »

No matter where you are, this handy-dandy site should be able to help you: Befrienders Worldwide, which is sponsored by the Samaritans, the UK number you listed, Purtlepootle. There's also LifeLine International, and the International Federation of Telephone Emergency Services.
If you live in the US, there's the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, and The Trevor Project, which is awesome and directed specifically at LGBTQ teens. These are both 24/7. I'm sure there are a lot more local numbers I haven't listed here, also.

ETA: I don't know about all of them, but definitely with NSPL you can call to talk about someone you're concerned about, also.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #53 on: February 27, 2009, 11:38:34 AM »

I emailed the Samaritans a few times, but I kinda fell out with them when they said I should consider going to uni more deeply. Like that has anything to do with it - they're just like everyone else. And I spent the whole time terrified someone I knew would find out I'd been talking to them, and then I'd have to deal with it all properly. I dunno, somtimes I just want to tell someone absolutely everything and have them not try and understand, or help, just- Well, now, the end of that sentence really will sound emo, so I won't bother with it! I wil say this though - though I can't bring myself to end my life properly, I have absolutely zero concern for my health or my well-being, and do things that I know are wrong and I should stop, but it's almost like I want to punish myself for not just dying, you know? It's like there's a bit of me going, "Well if you're too chicken to do anything, you're can be damn sure you're not gonna get away with it". Or something, I don't know.

Sorry if I'm saying too much here, it's just that I wouldn't in any other situation and Boxers seem to fit in that magic place where they're just strangers enough not to matter, but friends enough to trust, you know?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #54 on: February 27, 2009, 12:23:57 PM »

You should give more thought to uni...
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #55 on: February 27, 2009, 12:28:00 PM »

I'm currently listening to the Juno soundtrack and grinning my face off. Your theories are poorly researched.

Good God, Why?! With the exception of Belle and Sebastian and there actually being a song by Buddy Holly, and maybe two others, the soundtrack to that movie made my ears bleed.


In your defense, lets go ahead and say fuck the emo spiel.

Emo is paraphrasing the word "emotional", in reference to the whiny bitch mentality that seems to be the basis of every teenager in the year 2009 and a few year years prior's attempts at individuality. I was once deemed "emo" for listing my favorite band as The Cure. For the first year and a half that emo was a classification, I thought people were calling me an Emu, and I was completely lost on the subject. But I stray off course.

By my understanding of the word,  Emo=unhappy and overly emotional.
If you are in fact smiling and using happy exclamation points, you are clearly not whiny and miserable, and therefore not "emo". right?   O0
"I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else: but you!"

Gee thanks, You're not half bad yourself. ^_^
Exactly. See, it's all about how you respond to information. I fucking hate termites. But Wyatt doesn't. Between an optimist and a pessimist, the information doesn't differ, but the response to it.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #56 on: February 27, 2009, 12:31:35 PM »

You should give more thought to uni...

Uni is fantastic. It's such an opportunity. Okay, so it's not for everyone, but I think you'd enjoy it, Indja...if you went the right place and studied the right thing, of course, and that's half the problem. By the sounds of it, you'd do English Literature? With something else (German?)?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #57 on: February 27, 2009, 12:34:39 PM »

Or it might be totally wrong. My Mum went to Uni and dropped out after two months; she became a psychiatric month instead. Go for what you're drawn to.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #58 on: February 27, 2009, 12:36:29 PM »

You should give more thought to uni...

Uni is fantastic. It's such an opportunity. Okay, so it's not for everyone, but I think you'd enjoy it, Indja...if you went the right place and studied the right thing, of course, and that's half the problem. By the sounds of it, you'd do English Literature? With something else (German?)?
Agreed, not for  everyone,  but a good opportunity  to meet new people, experience new
things, and generally bridge the gap between life-in-parents'-house and life-on-your-own.



(...but we shouldn't derail the thread...)
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #59 on: February 27, 2009, 01:13:29 PM »

Might I enquire about the purpose of the ridiculously tiny font?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #60 on: February 27, 2009, 01:22:25 PM »

It's for SECRETS!
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #61 on: February 27, 2009, 01:26:28 PM »

hmm...
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #62 on: February 27, 2009, 03:49:33 PM »

Indja-you should NEVER have been given advice by the Samaritans-that is a huge no no! I can assure you the Samaritans is TOTALLY confidential, no-one would ever find out about things you discussed with them!
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #63 on: February 28, 2009, 01:42:24 AM »

hm. interesting thread.
well.
i don't know where to start with this. i still suffer from depression and occasionally still have those suicidal urges. about 4 months ago (almost five now), in october, i drove myself to the hospital ER afraid that i was going to kill myself if i didn't get help. i spent a week in the psychiatric hospital and was treated like shit to be quite honest. despite where i was i had NO ONE to talk to. i asked a few different times to be able to TALK to someone about what was bothering me, and i was always told there was no one for me to talk to. WTF? they said "just talk in your group therapy sessions". yeah. well those were filled with nothing but alcoholics and drug addicts who whined and cried about their lives, leaving time for no one else in the group.
a month and a half later, a week before thanksgiving, i broke down and told my therapist i wanted to kill myself and that i didnt want to live anymore. i spent another week in that shit-hole hospital. after that stay i packed all my shit up at school, dropped out, and moved back home. since ive been home i've been doing a little better. my family acts oblivious to the fact that anything happened at all (the hospital stays). the urges aren't as strong. but im afraid that im sweeping everything under the rug and refusing to deal with it all... because i have to be "strong" for my family.
i don't know.
five years ago i actually attempted suicide. it was probably the stupidest thing i could have done - not because i was trying to kill myself, but because of where i tried to carry it out - in the bathroom at school. i was planning on dying so never took a second thought about the attention it would get. oh fuck. believe me, when the ambulance shows up at school and takes you out with sliced up wrists and you're bleeding all over the hallways - yeah... everyone finds out. stupidest thing i have ever done in my entire life. i went through the rest of school being thought of as "that emo girl that cuts herself". heh.
my favorite (*sarcasm*) thing to hear is "nothing could be that bad that you'd want to kill yourself". really? fuck you. (not intended for anyone here - i love you ALL!!!!! *sincerely*)
god, i have heard that SO many times.

sorry for my rambling. those are my experiences with suicide. i feel better having talked about it now and i trust you all enough to talk about it here.

(PS: yes, im still in therapy)
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #64 on: February 28, 2009, 07:26:10 AM »

*offers Chay hugs*

I've heard the same story about other pysch wards which friends have been sent to, often by therapists who get really concerned. Those places sound like absolute nightmares.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #65 on: February 28, 2009, 07:27:40 AM »

It does sound like things are getting better though, Chay, and at least you're in therapy, so that's something. And those cocks who say nothing so bad it's worth killing yourself over, they're just sort of beneath contempt tbh. Or that opinion is, anyway - they might be quite nice as people xD

I think that obviously suicide shouldn't be encouraged, but a lot of people seem to take the stance that not encouraging it is the same as not talking about it, or talking about it with the soul purpose of convincing someone to change their mind. I find the main reason I don't talk to anyone I know about how I feel is because they'll instantly either pretend it's not real like make a joke of it, or try and "fix" me. I just want to get things off my chest most of the time, you know? Like maybe just saying it will stop the feeling being that strong.

And, Cee&Scatter- I have given more thought to uni, and am going to apply for all the best ones so that if I do get in, it'll be worth it in a big way. I don't really care either way though, so I won't be too fussed if I don't. And, I have narrowed my list of possible subjects down to French, English Lit, a totally new language which would be either German, Spanish or Arabic, Linguistics, Music Technology, Theology, or any combination of any of them. As I am equally as keen to do ALL of them, it's really no help at all >.<
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #66 on: February 28, 2009, 07:50:42 AM »

I think that obviously suicide shouldn't be encouraged, but a lot of people seem to take the stance that not encouraging it is the same as not talking about it, or talking about it with the soul purpose of convincing someone to change their mind. I find the main reason I don't talk to anyone I know about how I feel is because they'll instantly either pretend it's not real like make a joke of it, or try and "fix" me. I just want to get things off my chest most of the time, you know? Like maybe just saying it will stop the feeling being that strong.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, so to speak, and I tend to more open than is wise with my friends: talking to them about it without wanting them to suggest a solution, just to listen and understand, is how I have almost always coped with stress and pain. But like I said, I've been burned for that before when people have got angry that I'm not simply looking for a solution, or in one or two cases, I trusted more than I should and had personal stuff leak out and get spread around. On the whole, though, I am lucky I have the friends I do. We lean on each other.

I can't say I've ever had someone talk to be about suicide, at least not until after they contemplated it, but I do believe just letting it out to someone who will listen and empathise, rather than judge and 'fix', is important. When we are alone, where is the release?

And, Cee&Scatter- I have given more thought to uni, and am going to apply for all the best ones so that if I do get in, it'll be worth it in a big way. I don't really care either way though, so I won't be too fussed if I don't. And, I have narrowed my list of possible subjects down to French, English Lit, a totally new language which would be either German, Spanish or Arabic, Linguistics, Music Technology, Theology, or any combination of any of them. As I am equally as keen to do ALL of them, it's really no help at all >.<
Nicely done! Unfortunately, most UK universities don't allow that great a degree of freedom with your subject choices. I'm interested in so much, but I only got to choose two (even if other subjects have popped up within those two disciplines). Scotland is an exception, you are slightly freer in your courses up there. I wouldn't place too much hope into getting into Oxbridge, because it stings if they say no. Good luck with it all anyhow! And if you do decide to do German as part of things, I'll see if I'm able to help at all.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #67 on: February 28, 2009, 08:37:08 AM »

I can't say I've ever had someone talk to be about suicide, at least not until after they contemplated it, but I do believe just letting it out to someone who will listen and empathise, rather than judge and 'fix', is important. When we are alone, where is the release?
Yeah, I think talking without judging is the best thing. It's so hard to find, though, because people can get all "OHMIGOD YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR AAWEJLSLDKFJ;N" and generally react disproportionately. So you have to trust the other person enough not to do that, which is something I always keep in mind when my friends are talking to me about heavy personal stuff like suicide. I get worried about it sometimes, because even though I mostly just listen and hug, I wonder if I should be saying more. I'm generally an awkward person who says the wrong thing though, so I try to just be a sympathetic ear. If someone trusts me enough to open up to me like that, the least I can do is not betray that trust by coming out with something stupid when they really don't need it.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #68 on: February 28, 2009, 10:28:40 AM »


I think that obviously suicide shouldn't be encouraged, but a lot of people seem to take the stance that not encouraging it is the same as not talking about it, or talking about it with the soul purpose of convincing someone to change their mind. I find the main reason I don't talk to anyone I know about how I feel is because they'll instantly either pretend it's not real like make a joke of it, or try and "fix" me. I just want to get things off my chest most of the time, you know? Like maybe just saying it will stop the feeling being that strong.


I totally get that. I didn't have any real friends until I was in my teens, and by that point I had been so used to keeping crap bottled up inside that I was scared to talk about it. And when I did finally talk about things I just got "damnit Jenni." or "Jenni, shut up."
Have you ever thought about starting a journal, or doing art? Even if you think it's crappy art, or psychotic rambling, it's a place to get these emotions out.

Henry Rollins, for example, is known most for his anger. He keeps consistent journals. Every day he writes his thoughts and feelings, and it gets it off his chest, and gives him some inspiration for what to talk about during his shows. He's really a sweet guy, and very tame. He's the least selfish person I've ever come into contact with, and I'm absolutely in awe of him and his life. (BTW, if you've never had the pleasure of seeing him live, DO IT, he will change your life.)

and K.D. Lang takes her anger out on cavas', that she won't even let her partner see. They're there to let the emotion flow onto something that isn't another person, or herself, and she keeps her art stacked against a wall with sheets over it.

Your emotions are a beautiful thing, and no one should tell you that what you're feeling is wrong. It's just a matter of how you handle these emotions, and the rationalization of what you're feeling before making any major decision in how to handle them.

It took me a REALLY long time to work myself out emotionally. And now, if I feel like shit, I cry if I want to cry. I cry, and I write, and I paint. Sometimes I cry while writing poetry on my paintings. Fuck what anyone else thinks. It's a way to release these feelings and it beats my many previous (foolish) bouts of self destruction.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #69 on: February 28, 2009, 10:56:57 AM »

I don't know where I'd be without my journal to scream and weep and sing into. Especially since I have some very close and loved friends reading and offering support, as I do with theirs.

Recently, I've been releasing my torment and despair (which has gotten worse for some reason) into poetry. The last two poems I posted in the Poetry Thread were both more personal than I let on...which is why, when I read them out at Writers' Circle last week, I found myself screaming, crying, snapping and sighing my way through them in a way that left the rest of the group in shock, and myself on the very real verge of collapse.

Emotions. I feel the need to write again, because sometimes I think I'm going crazy. It doesn't help that several of my friends are in similar places as of late.

It took me a REALLY long time to work myself out emotionally. And now, if I feel like shit, I cry if I want to cry. I cry, and I write, and I paint. Sometimes I cry while writing poetry on my paintings. Fuck what anyone else thinks. It's a way to release these feelings and it beats my many previous (foolish) bouts of self destruction.

This is beautiful. I'm really glad for you.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #70 on: February 28, 2009, 11:38:20 AM »

I don't know where I'd be without my journal to scream and weep and sing into. Especially since I have some very close and loved friends reading and offering support, as I do with theirs.

Recently, I've been releasing my torment and despair (which has gotten worse for some reason) into poetry. The last two poems I posted in the Poetry Thread were both more personal than I let on...which is why, when I read them out at Writers' Circle last week, I found myself screaming, crying, snapping and sighing my way through them in a way that left the rest of the group in shock, and myself on the very real verge of collapse.

Emotions. I feel the need to write again, because sometimes I think I'm going crazy. It doesn't help that several of my friends are in similar places as of late.

It took me a REALLY long time to work myself out emotionally. And now, if I feel like shit, I cry if I want to cry. I cry, and I write, and I paint. Sometimes I cry while writing poetry on my paintings. Fuck what anyone else thinks. It's a way to release these feelings and it beats my many previous (foolish) bouts of self destruction.

This is beautiful. I'm really glad for you.

on the poetry thread you can read some of my poems. The Razor Burn poem, I wrote as I typed it. It just seems so much more rational to write what I'm feeling than to actually hack myself up.

And as for your reading your poetry, Bravo. And if people think you're weird because of it, screw 'em. The problem with people like that is that they don't know what it's like to live in your shoes. If they could know all the details of the things that are happening, or what you're thinking, they'd understand your emotions so much better. But ignorance is bliss. Stupid people are really happy not knowing how the real world works. One day though, reality is going to smack them REALLY hard in the face, and they're not going to have any idea how to handle themselves. Only then will they understand that your expression of your feelings wasn't lies that you made up for attention, they were simply shared art t show the world your ability to actually feel something.

I thought my life was crap throughout high school. My mother pulled me out of school and I never graduated. I sat on my fat arse for a couple years doing nothing with my life. She moved our family to Florida, then lost the job she moved there for, took all of my father and my money, and abandoned us with no money and a house full of stuff. I was forced to grow the hell up, and I understand now, more than I ever understood before.

If I was there, I'd be crying with you. Because emotions are fucking beautiful.


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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #71 on: February 28, 2009, 03:38:25 PM »

I don't know where I'd be without my journal to scream and weep and sing into.
Here here. Since I started a diary I've been much better off.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #72 on: February 28, 2009, 03:50:50 PM »

yeah, i used to journal like hardcore. it's been actually a few months since my last entry. i think part of the reason is that now that im back "home", i feel like i can't let those emotions out anymore because if i let them out then im admitting that there is something wrong and that is "wrong" in so many people's eyes. so i keep it locked up tight, which i know is slowly killing me and will probably be the cause of another breakdown. ive found that since ive been home ive also not been able to openly talk to my therapist about the things that are really hurting me.
being back home is a bitter/sweet situation.
i used to practice art. i was a musician - that's what i was going to school for when i was at college about an hour away from here. i learned in the first week there that i was shit compared to the other students and never stood a chance. i also had no theory in high school, so i was literally just fucked. but while there i would spend hours upon hours in the practice rooms just slamming on a piano or playing my sax as loud as i could, making music to express how i felt. since i dropped out, i haven't played my sax a single time. i play the piano some and im learning the uke but it's nothing compared to the way my music USED to be.
as for art... i am so challenged in drawing/painting/whatever. i used to practice at it, thinking i might get better. but i always just let myself down and usually when i draw i just feel even more like shit.
gaaaahhhh.
im so fucking emo, sometimes. im sorry.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #73 on: February 28, 2009, 03:51:36 PM »

Please. Emo as an insult is a shit word used by shit people.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #74 on: February 28, 2009, 03:56:15 PM »

its not really meant as an insult. just a stated fact *shrug*
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #75 on: February 28, 2009, 04:02:37 PM »

I meant that you shouldn't describe yourself like that. Being emotional is fine, it's good, even. You're not being emo you're being human.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #76 on: February 28, 2009, 04:23:41 PM »

Ah, quit playing dumb, Alyss - you know when people say "emo" they don't mean "emotional", any more than when a band is described as "indie" it has any real relation to the type of record label they're signed to. Granted, it would be nice if we could use words only as they were originally intended, but the fact is, language evolves and words take on new meanings.

In other news...

I find that if I try and write a song (can't draw for shit, so that avenue of expression just depresses me further!) when I'm feeling down, it always turns out really shit or covering something I've already written about. And because I really hate having overly blunt lyrics, they rarely say what I mean anyway. Mind you, I do find it quite a release to engross myself in, say, designing a dress or a coat or something, because putting the effort into something quite unrelated to what I'm feeling for a sustained period of time seems to take my mind off it. I used to write letters to an imaginary boy (his name was Dylan) and still do sometimes, but it's trailed off recently because I seemed to be just saying the same shit over and over.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #77 on: February 28, 2009, 05:08:08 PM »

Ah, quit playing dumb, Alyss - you know when people say "emo" they don't mean "emotional", any more than when a band is described as "indie" it has any real relation to the type of record label they're signed to. Granted, it would be nice if we could use words only as they were originally intended, but the fact is, language evolves and words take on new meanings.
Again, not what i meant, so fuck you both :) I'll stop trying to be pleasant or understood.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #78 on: March 01, 2009, 12:01:40 AM »

It's bad when people degrade themselves.

I do it all the time, but with legitimate classifications.

Emo is improper english slang that needs to be shot in the face. yes. emo has a face.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #79 on: March 01, 2009, 02:15:32 AM »

Quite. In honour of that sentiment, I'm going to put on Spill Canvas.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #80 on: March 01, 2009, 02:24:33 AM »

wow.
i feel a bit like an ass at the moment.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #81 on: March 01, 2009, 02:25:41 AM »

How so?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #82 on: March 01, 2009, 02:51:05 AM »

You're not being emo you're being human.


Ever since the "emu" craze, i have tried, and tried, and tried again to get this through people's fucking thick skulls.  ever since "emotional hardcore" was born into existence, people have decided that every single thing in the world is fucking emu.  no.  no it's not, you fucking assholes.  emu is a style of music that requires you to dress like a dipshit, and listen to Hawthorne Heights on repeat, while pretending like you want to kill yourself, and kissing guys because girls think it's hot.

being generally sensitive about yourself, or what's going on in your life is being what humans tend to be...emotional.  you fucking feel.  you have ups, downs, twists, and turns.  lrn2discern.


edit:  that was in no way directed at anybody in particular, just to clarify.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #83 on: March 01, 2009, 02:52:43 AM »

See, that's what I meant! Why the fuck can caddy always organise my thoughts better than me?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #84 on: March 01, 2009, 02:56:25 AM »

How so?

cause i started the whole "emo" shit on here.
i'm really not into that emo stuff. its just a word i thew in there because it seemed to fit.
yes, i am really emotional sometimes, that's what i really meant. no, i really dont think i fit the whole "emo" lifestyle and i dont care too much for emo music.
just a word. a word that, i agree, is overused. and maybe i should have picked something else to say or should have completely typed out the word "emotional".
*shrug* no big deal though.
:)

and yeah, i guess i am just being human.
it's really nice to see that there are other people in this world that are human, too. sometimes it feels like i live in a world filled with bullshit robots that have no emotions or feelings or cares in the whole fucking world. it's tiring.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #85 on: March 01, 2009, 03:00:25 AM »

because i'm a psychotic psychic.

also, i had an ex-friend of mine, who was on my LJ, try to use my journal entries against me.  she lashed out by calling me "emo", and eewwwww ur so laaaaame.  even got her kid in on it (she's an old, unsuccessful hag who is actually so depressing, another previous friend of mine stopped being her friend, because he got sick of her depression).

people will be stupid, if you give them any opportunity to act on it.

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #86 on: March 01, 2009, 03:01:29 AM »

Sounds like a good friend...
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #87 on: March 01, 2009, 03:04:30 AM »

oh, i used to have tons of good friends.


Quote from: Chay
it's really nice to see that there are other people in this world that are human, too. sometimes it feels like i live in a world filled with bullshit robots that have no emotions or feelings or cares in the whole fucking world. it's tiring.

yeah well, the stoic types balance out the emotional types.  as much as i hate to say that...
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #88 on: March 01, 2009, 04:54:23 AM »

It's probably a good thing though. An entire world of emotional types would break down pretty fast.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #89 on: March 01, 2009, 06:53:24 AM »

Ueff. Can you imagine? A whole world of Morrisseys.... *shudder*
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #90 on: March 01, 2009, 07:57:54 AM »

It's probably a good thing though. An entire world of emotional types would break down pretty fast.

I am relieved not everyone is like me in that regard. The world would be a pretty insane, melodramatic place if that happened.

also, i had an ex-friend of mine, who was on my LJ, try to use my journal entries against me. 

LJ drama! Thank goodness I've been relatively free of that for a while, but I remember a lot of messy messy things happening on there. I honestly they should redesign 'Frank the Goat' as 'Frank the Drama Llama', it would be more accurate.

yeah, i used to journal like hardcore. it's been actually a few months since my last entry. i think part of the reason is that now that im back "home", i feel like i can't let those emotions out anymore because if i let them out then im admitting that there is something wrong and that is "wrong" in so many people's eyes. so i keep it locked up tight, which i know is slowly killing me and will probably be the cause of another breakdown. ive found that since ive been home ive also not been able to openly talk to my therapist about the things that are really hurting me.
being back home is a bitter/sweet situation.

I sometimes have periods where I don't journal as much...but recently, I've making at least one update a day. Life...warrants it at the moment, I think. I'm sorry you don't feel able to express your feelings as easily anymore...I hope you find some way past that blockade. I've got something similar with my academic workload...I'm struggling, but I don't want to tell anyone, because I am convinced they will think me 'lazy' and 'wrong'.

i used to practice art. i was a musician - that's what i was going to school for when i was at college about an hour away from here. i learned in the first week there that i was shit compared to the other students and never stood a chance. i also had no theory in high school, so i was literally just fucked. but while there i would spend hours upon hours in the practice rooms just slamming on a piano or playing my sax as loud as i could, making music to express how i felt. since i dropped out, i haven't played my sax a single time. i play the piano some and im learning the uke but it's nothing compared to the way my music USED to be.
as for art... i am so challenged in drawing/painting/whatever. i used to practice at it, thinking i might get better. but i always just let myself down and usually when i draw i just feel even more like shit.

I hope you get your music back like I have reclaimed my poetry. We need to shout and scream, however we choose to do so.

I find that if I try and write a song (can't draw for shit, so that avenue of expression just depresses me further!) when I'm feeling down, it always turns out really shit or covering something I've already written about. And because I really hate having overly blunt lyrics, they rarely say what I mean anyway. Mind you, I do find it quite a release to engross myself in, say, designing a dress or a coat or something, because putting the effort into something quite unrelated to what I'm feeling for a sustained period of time seems to take my mind off it. I used to write letters to an imaginary boy (his name was Dylan) and still do sometimes, but it's trailed off recently because I seemed to be just saying the same shit over and over.

I wish I were able to put some of my poems to music. They are designed to be heard rather than read, afterall. Wish I could do designs too...when I try, it ends up looking rubbish. My doodles are all abstract (and linguistic!?) for a reason. And if you want, Indja, we can be your Dylan xx

I meant that you shouldn't describe yourself like that. Being emotional is fine, it's good, even. You're not being emo you're being human.

I understood totally, and totally agree. :)

I don't know where I'd be without my journal to scream and weep and sing into.
Here here. Since I started a diary I've been much better off.

I'm glad.

on the poetry thread you can read some of my poems. The Razor Burn poem, I wrote as I typed it. It just seems so much more rational to write what I'm feeling than to actually hack myself up.

I tend to write my poems in one burst too. They turn out more honest that way.

And as for your reading your poetry, Bravo. And if people think you're weird because of it, screw 'em. The problem with people like that is that they don't know what it's like to live in your shoes. If they could know all the details of the things that are happening, or what you're thinking, they'd understand your emotions so much better. But ignorance is bliss. Stupid people are really happy not knowing how the real world works. One day though, reality is going to smack them REALLY hard in the face, and they're not going to have any idea how to handle themselves. Only then will they understand that your expression of your feelings wasn't lies that you made up for attention, they were simply shared art t show the world your ability to actually feel something.

I thought my life was crap throughout high school. My mother pulled me out of school and I never graduated. I sat on my fat arse for a couple years doing nothing with my life. She moved our family to Florida, then lost the job she moved there for, took all of my father and my money, and abandoned us with no money and a house full of stuff. I was forced to grow the hell up, and I understand now, more than I ever understood before.

If I was there, I'd be crying with you. Because emotions are fucking beautiful.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother *offers hugs*
I am glad you have found understanding, though.

And yes, emotions are beautiful. Despite how much my own feelings mess me up sometimes, I am glad I have them, as they are mine. Let us cry together someday, and then laugh too.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #91 on: March 01, 2009, 11:14:14 AM »

I'm sorry to hear about your mother *offers hugs*
I am glad you have found understanding, though.

And yes, emotions are beautiful. Despite how much my own feelings mess me up sometimes, I am glad I have them, as they are mine. Let us cry together someday, and then laugh too.

Indeed. When I cry I'm very unattractive though. Swell up like my Chocolate allergy has come about on the fly. lol.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #92 on: March 01, 2009, 11:18:19 AM »

Scatter, thanks for saying you'll be my Dylan, but unfortunately he was so finely crafted in my mind, I don't think anyone could take his place ^.^ He was... 5'10", blonde, blue eyes, American with a kind of souther accent, liked heavy metal (which is weird cos I hate it), had a little sister who I never bothered naming, lived with his mum and dad in a house on a hill and played lacrosse.

Ok, now I really do sound mad! I think I just kept adding things to him when I was bored, you know? Still, he sure was a sweetie ^.^ I love imaginary friends ;)
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #93 on: March 01, 2009, 11:20:15 AM »

I'm sorry to hear about your mother *offers hugs*
I am glad you have found understanding, though.

And yes, emotions are beautiful. Despite how much my own feelings mess me up sometimes, I am glad I have them, as they are mine. Let us cry together someday, and then laugh too.

Indeed. When I cry I'm very unattractive though. Swell up like my Chocolate allergy has come about on the fly. lol.

Apparently, I'm cute when I cry? Generally I just feel like a sobbing mess.

Scatter, thanks for saying you'll be my Dylan, but unfortunately he was so finely crafted in my mind, I don't think anyone could take his place ^.^ He was... 5'10", blonde, blue eyes, American with a kind of souther accent, liked heavy metal (which is weird cos I hate it), had a little sister who I never bothered naming, lived with his mum and dad in a house on a hill and played lacrosse.

Ok, now I really do sound mad! I think I just kept adding things to him when I was bored, you know? Still, he sure was a sweetie ^.^ I love imaginary friends ;)

Dylan should meet my Chris sometime. I think they might get on well :)
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #94 on: March 01, 2009, 11:21:57 AM »

Oooh, what's Chris like? He nice? xD
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #95 on: March 01, 2009, 11:24:57 AM »


Apparently, I'm cute when I cry? Generally I just feel like a sobbing mess.

I'm scary when I cry. I get all snotty and drooly, and I'm a big puffed up snot nosed, googe covered blob of emotion.

(Hawt)



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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #96 on: March 01, 2009, 11:31:02 AM »

Oooh, what's Chris like? He nice? xD
He's sweet. He tends to be a little shy at first, but when you get to know him, he's great fun. He's got such a great sense of humour, and he knows a lot, even if he's pretty clueless about most aspects of life (fashion!). He also plays the guitar, and loves learning new songs. Sometimes he puts music to my poetry because he knows how much I love it. He drives a little red Toyota, and he wants to work with computers.

...now I sound crazy too!
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #97 on: March 01, 2009, 01:23:53 PM »

oh, i used to have tons of good friends.


Quote from: Chay
it's really nice to see that there are other people in this world that are human, too. sometimes it feels like i live in a world filled with bullshit robots that have no emotions or feelings or cares in the whole fucking world. it's tiring.

yeah well, the stoic types balance out the emotional types.  as much as i hate to say that...

quite true.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #98 on: March 01, 2009, 03:24:57 PM »


Apparently, I'm cute when I cry? Generally I just feel like a sobbing mess.

I'm scary when I cry. I get all snotty and drooly, and I'm a big puffed up snot nosed, googe covered blob of emotion.

(Hawt)





I think I turn invisible when I cry. I cry in public incredibly frequently, and no one ever has a clue. I've cried in a tiny office with five people surrounding me, and no one has noticed at all. I used to cry at school every now and again. I'd put my head down onto my crossed arms, and people would think I had a headache or was napping or something, until I picked up my head and my face was drenched and there was a huge puddle of tears on the desk. I've cried so many times in public sitting right next to my girlfriend, and not even she's noticed.

Maybe a quarter of my crying is visible, and it's usually only when no one is around to see it.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #99 on: March 02, 2009, 08:04:26 AM »

I've had suicidal thoughts for 6 years now. They used to be brought on by the silliest things. Then I started having serious health problems, and believe you me that put things into perspective pretty fast.
Chronic pain and illness are scary things to deal with, especially when they stop you from leading an independant and enjoyable life.

I've made a few serious attempts, had a few long stays in hospital, and have been in and out of therapy up until last month. Therapy's helped me deal with pain a little, but hasn't changed my stance on suicide and chronic illness. Life's there to be enjoyed, not endured, and I try to enjoy it as much as I can.

I'll be honest though, If things do get to a point where I'm alone and the illness renders me unable to live independantly, I probably would go and kill myself. I couldn't handle being a burden to family or friends. I've been hospitalized before and went crazier from being reminded every day that I was sick. If I had to live like that for the rest of my days, nah, I wouldn't have it.

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #100 on: March 02, 2009, 10:01:59 AM »

The honest fact of the matter is dear, you feel like a burden now, but if you killed yourself, they'd all feel like it was their fault. You'd really hurt them more in doing so than anything you could do now. And if they don't think so, them fuck then, you don't need them. Seriously. I've seen entire families institutionalized over a family member's suicide.

My Freshmen year in high school my friend Rachel was dating a guy we'd known for years named Ben. Ben's parents had joint custody of him, and on weekends he was forced to go to his father's, despite his father being an arrogant, hateful bastard who mentally abused the shit out of him. Ben's step dad was my Sister and my good friends Alex and Chris' dad, and was (obviously) married to his mom. One Sunday in 2000 his mom called to let him know that she was coming to pick him up from his asshole Dad's house, and his father made some shitty comment about what a worthless piece of shit he was, and he went to his bedroom and blew his head off.

His Father didn't give a shit. Walked up to Rachel at the funeral and said "Hope the fucker's happy, he took 23 hours to clean up."

She wound up in a mental institute and or therapy for nearly 2 years.
His Mother, step father, and both of his step brothers were institutionalized and then required by law to attend therapy.
Chris dropped out of school after being harassed about it, and eventually joined the Navy, and Alex moved to Tibet to study as a monk, eventually forgot the English language, and now, oddly enough lives in Canada and is re-learning it.

Suicide is irrational. Often selfish. I understand, I really understand. But please please please be rational. Weigh the pro's and cons.

You die.
You never find out what might've happened.
You emotionally scar everyone who loved you FOREVER.
You take away a life. A healthy, meaningful life, when there are millions of people clinging to theirs whose bodies are being eaten away by cancers and incurable diseases, and they're not giving up.
It really can always be worse. I had a hard time realizing this. especially when I was spending last winter with no heat, and too broke to buy substantial food. Watching my 72 year old father who just finally got to retire, spend his entire retirement check, then have to overdraw his bank account every month, just to keep a roof over my head and food in my hideous little stomach. But you know what? While I was bitching about my shitty life and living off of Ramen noodle soup, entire families were freezing to death on the streets of New York City, just across the river here, because all of the shelters were full and they had nowhere to sleep.

Made me put things into perspective.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #101 on: March 02, 2009, 04:16:45 PM »

Apparently, I'm cute when I cry? Generally I just feel like a sobbing mess.
I think girls are cute when they cry. Makes me want to hug them and help them. Unless I'm the one that made them cry, in which case I laugh and see it as a victory.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #102 on: March 02, 2009, 04:27:36 PM »

Apparently, I'm cute when I cry? Generally I just feel like a sobbing mess.
I think girls are cute when they cry. Makes me want to hug them and help them. Unless I'm the one that made them cry, in which case I laugh and see it as a victory.
That first part is sweet, that second part makes you look horrid.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #103 on: March 02, 2009, 04:30:28 PM »

Compassion and empathy are things I often have difficulty with. And have yet to find an excuse for the unpleasant parts of me, which makes it all the worst.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #104 on: March 02, 2009, 04:34:40 PM »

Compassion and empathy are things I often have difficulty with. And have yet to find an excuse for the unpleasant parts of me, which makes it all the worst.
Do you feel you cannot relate to others? Do you try to relate to others? Do you wear a mask that filters the world outside, and the person inside? How deeply do you feel? I don't expect answers to the questions, but if they can help...
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #105 on: March 02, 2009, 05:20:04 PM »

I think it's a result of hardening up. My emotions were a lot more out there when I was younger. These days I feel very much that I am alone, from everyone.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #106 on: March 02, 2009, 06:46:32 PM »

It's not that linear. Trust me. You'll harden and soften a dozen times before you realize it's all phases.

And I believe the bit about laughing at girls you made cry is posturing and completely untrue. If it is true, it's certainly not at the tail end of hardening. It's at the head end of what will hopefully be the process of maturation.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #107 on: March 02, 2009, 07:20:02 PM »

Compassion and empathy are things I often have difficulty with. And have yet to find an excuse for the unpleasant parts of me, which makes it all the worst.

I think you have more compassion and empathy than you say you do.

A person without compassion and empathy would not feel upset when banned from a forum for a short while, or when disliked by some of its members, or when friends from another forum are abused.  You protest too much, and argue too much in favor of others who also have unique opinions, to be a total psychopath.  You connect to others who are isolated and although you attempt to isolate yourself, you also have this desperate need for attention and response.

You like to appear different to gain a certain reaction.  In some ways you are, but in not as many as you would have people believe, and certainly not on the emotional level.  Maybe intellectual opinionswise.

This post might irk you, sorry.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #108 on: March 02, 2009, 07:48:35 PM »

Ahhh...he doesn't care...
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #109 on: March 02, 2009, 08:16:54 PM »

Apparently, I'm cute when I cry? Generally I just feel like a sobbing mess.
I think girls are cute when they cry. Makes me want to hug them and help them. Unless I'm the one that made them cry, in which case I laugh and see it as a victory.

I have a feeling you wouldn't do that. You would like to, but when the time comes, you wouldn't. If you made Elaine cry, would you laugh at her? Indja? Me? I don't think so.
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Alyss

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #110 on: March 02, 2009, 08:53:59 PM »

Compassion and empathy are things I often have difficulty with. And have yet to find an excuse for the unpleasant parts of me, which makes it all the worst.

I think you have more compassion and empathy than you say you do.

A person without compassion and empathy would not feel upset when banned from a forum for a short while, or when disliked by some of its members, or when friends from another forum are abused.  You protest too much, and argue too much in favor of others who also have unique opinions, to be a total psychopath.  You connect to others who are isolated and although you attempt to isolate yourself, you also have this desperate need for attention and response.

You like to appear different to gain a certain reaction.  In some ways you are, but in not as many as you would have people believe, and certainly not on the emotional level.  Maybe intellectual opinionswise.

This post might irk you, sorry.
I never said I was a psychopath, and don't believe myself to be. I just often have difficulty caring about other people. If I didn't have any empathy, I'd have a problem writing script. And yes, I do like to consider myself different - doesn't everybody? I'm still well aware that I'm not ("You are not a unique snowflake!"). But at the same time, I do feel very different a lot of the time, and very alone. I've never had a proper connection with anyone; that 'we're all toggether and bonding' thing. I always feel like I'm separate from other people. Though my housemate made the good point yesterday that maybe that connection simply doesn't exist, and I'm looking for something that no-one has.

And I'm not trying to appear like this deeply unhappy, misunderstood guy; I'm pretty regular, just pessimistic, misanthropic, cynical and inverted. Not to extremes. I'm sure most people are like this. I mean....argh, I have no idea what I mean. I'm not special. I just don't really like this place; the world, I mean. Like my Mum says, "You expect too much from reality."

Apparently, I'm cute when I cry? Generally I just feel like a sobbing mess.
I think girls are cute when they cry. Makes me want to hug them and help them. Unless I'm the one that made them cry, in which case I laugh and see it as a victory.

I have a feeling you wouldn't do that. You would like to, but when the time comes, you wouldn't. If you made Elaine cry, would you laugh at her? Indja? Me? I don't think so.
I don't think I made myself clear; I meant that, if I was angry with someone, and wanted to hurt them, and they started crying, I'd take pleasure in their unhappiness, and have done in the past. If I upset people accidentally I feel guilty for doing so.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #111 on: March 03, 2009, 12:04:35 AM »

The honest fact of the matter is dear, you feel like a burden now, but if you killed yourself, they'd all feel like it was their fault. You'd really hurt them more in doing so than anything you could do now. And if they don't think so, them fuck then, you don't need them. Seriously. I've seen entire families institutionalized over a family member's suicide.

My Freshmen year in high school my friend Rachel was dating a guy we'd known for years named Ben. Ben's parents had joint custody of him, and on weekends he was forced to go to his father's, despite his father being an arrogant, hateful bastard who mentally abused the shit out of him. Ben's step dad was my Sister and my good friends Alex and Chris' dad, and was (obviously) married to his mom. One Sunday in 2000 his mom called to let him know that she was coming to pick him up from his asshole Dad's house, and his father made some shitty comment about what a worthless piece of shit he was, and he went to his bedroom and blew his head off.

His Father didn't give a shit. Walked up to Rachel at the funeral and said "Hope the fucker's happy, he took 23 hours to clean up."

She wound up in a mental institute and or therapy for nearly 2 years.
His Mother, step father, and both of his step brothers were institutionalized and then required by law to attend therapy.
Chris dropped out of school after being harassed about it, and eventually joined the Navy, and Alex moved to Tibet to study as a monk, eventually forgot the English language, and now, oddly enough lives in Canada and is re-learning it.

Suicide is irrational. Often selfish. I understand, I really understand. But please please please be rational. Weigh the pro's and cons.

You die.
You never find out what might've happened.
You emotionally scar everyone who loved you FOREVER.
You take away a life. A healthy, meaningful life, when there are millions of people clinging to theirs whose bodies are being eaten away by cancers and incurable diseases, and they're not giving up.
It really can always be worse. I had a hard time realizing this. especially when I was spending last winter with no heat, and too broke to buy substantial food. Watching my 72 year old father who just finally got to retire, spend his entire retirement check, then have to overdraw his bank account every month, just to keep a roof over my head and food in my hideous little stomach. But you know what? While I was bitching about my shitty life and living off of Ramen noodle soup, entire families were freezing to death on the streets of New York City, just across the river here, because all of the shelters were full and they had nowhere to sleep.

Made me put things into perspective.


Wow, wow and wow.
I needed that, thanks :)

You are very right, it could be worse. Hurts a lot right now but at least I can bathe, feed and dress myself. I can eat and drink. I have days where I'm okay. I have a family that has done so much for me. I'm just scared about what the future holds, is all.

One of my mum's work friends had a son and daughter who were living with a degenerative disease. Anyway, the son was starting to need more and more help with everyday tasks. He was getting sicker and sicker. One day he had enough and took his own life. His mother went back to work three weeks later, and mum told me that she was pretty much catatonic. She was not only grieving for her son, but afraid for her daughter.

Prolly should write this down and keep it somewhere to remind me of things.
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Indja

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #112 on: March 03, 2009, 11:42:24 AM »

Fergus, you can make me cry if you like. Then I can tell myself I'm a better person than you because I look cooler and have better hair, and we'll both be able to feed our pain bodies guilt free!
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Alyss

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #113 on: March 04, 2009, 12:42:28 AM »

I don't want to make you cry, unless you do something to piss me off. Like...be stupid.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #114 on: March 04, 2009, 12:47:04 AM »

I don't want to make you cry, unless you do something to piss me off. Like...be stupid.

FUCK
I'd better be careful

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #115 on: March 04, 2009, 09:48:51 AM »

Most people are stupid. Prepare to weep, bitch.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #116 on: March 11, 2009, 04:05:08 PM »

The honest fact of the matter is dear, you feel like a burden now, but if you killed yourself, they'd all feel like it was their fault. You'd really hurt them more in doing so than anything you could do now. And if they don't think so, them fuck then, you don't need them. Seriously. I've seen entire families institutionalized over a family member's suicide.

My Freshmen year in high school my friend Rachel was dating a guy we'd known for years named Ben. Ben's parents had joint custody of him, and on weekends he was forced to go to his father's, despite his father being an arrogant, hateful bastard who mentally abused the shit out of him. Ben's step dad was my Sister and my good friends Alex and Chris' dad, and was (obviously) married to his mom. One Sunday in 2000 his mom called to let him know that she was coming to pick him up from his asshole Dad's house, and his father made some shitty comment about what a worthless piece of shit he was, and he went to his bedroom and blew his head off.

His Father didn't give a shit. Walked up to Rachel at the funeral and said "Hope the fucker's happy, he took 23 hours to clean up."

She wound up in a mental institute and or therapy for nearly 2 years.
His Mother, step father, and both of his step brothers were institutionalized and then required by law to attend therapy.
Chris dropped out of school after being harassed about it, and eventually joined the Navy, and Alex moved to Tibet to study as a monk, eventually forgot the English language, and now, oddly enough lives in Canada and is re-learning it.

Suicide is irrational. Often selfish. I understand, I really understand. But please please please be rational. Weigh the pro's and cons.

You die.
You never find out what might've happened.
You emotionally scar everyone who loved you FOREVER.
You take away a life. A healthy, meaningful life, when there are millions of people clinging to theirs whose bodies are being eaten away by cancers and incurable diseases, and they're not giving up.
It really can always be worse. I had a hard time realizing this. especially when I was spending last winter with no heat, and too broke to buy substantial food. Watching my 72 year old father who just finally got to retire, spend his entire retirement check, then have to overdraw his bank account every month, just to keep a roof over my head and food in my hideous little stomach. But you know what? While I was bitching about my shitty life and living off of Ramen noodle soup, entire families were freezing to death on the streets of New York City, just across the river here, because all of the shelters were full and they had nowhere to sleep.

Made me put things into perspective.


Wow, wow and wow.
I needed that, thanks :)


I needed that too. God that's a crazy story... Really helps to put things into perspective, thank you.
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Haushinka

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #117 on: March 11, 2009, 07:42:50 PM »

Most people are stupid.

Does that include you?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #118 on: March 11, 2009, 10:34:45 PM »

That prompts the question: would he know?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #119 on: March 11, 2009, 11:42:26 PM »

Most people are stupid.
Does that include you?
Ms. Shinka,  we're all stupid...  Each in our own way.  It's part of what makes us interesting.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #120 on: March 12, 2009, 07:12:19 AM »

Most people are stupid.
Does that include you?
Ms. Shinka,  we're all stupid...  Each in our own way.  It's part of what makes us interesting.

Speak for yourself, Cee.

(It's funny coz you know everything!)
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #121 on: March 12, 2009, 02:43:37 PM »

Most people are stupid.
Does that include you?
Ms. Shinka,  we're all stupid...  Each in our own way.  It's part of what makes us interesting.

Speak for yourself, Cee.

(It's funny coz you know everything!)
Think of knowledge as a ball...  What you know is inside, what you don't know is outside...

...and what you know that you don't know is the surface of the ball...  The bigger the ball,
the more surface.  Dig?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #122 on: March 12, 2009, 05:10:31 PM »

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Indja

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #123 on: March 12, 2009, 05:11:53 PM »

Most people are stupid.
Does that include you?
Ms. Shinka,  we're all stupid...  Each in our own way.  It's part of what makes us interesting.

Speak for yourself, Cee.

(It's funny coz you know everything!)
Think of knowledge as a ball...  What you know is inside, what you don't know is outside...

...and what you know that you don't know is the surface of the ball...  The bigger the ball,
the more surface.  Dig?

Uh... I think I get your drift. But, whatever - I just meant you're like supersmart.
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CeeGBee

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #124 on: March 12, 2009, 11:09:20 PM »

Most people are stupid.
Does that include you?
Ms. Shinka,  we're all stupid...  Each in our own way.  It's part of what makes us interesting.

Speak for yourself, Cee.

(It's funny coz you know everything!)
Think of knowledge as a ball...  What you know is inside, what you don't know is outside...

...and what you know that you don't know is the surface of the ball...  The bigger the ball,
the more surface.  Dig?

Uh... I think I get your drift. But, whatever - I just meant you're like supersmart.
For example:
This morning, I had never heard of a band called "Take That".  Now I have, so I know more.
I even know they came from Manchester, so I know two things...

But I don't know:
-what sort of band/music
-who the members of the band are/were
-are they still together
-would I like their music
-what bands did they influence/what bands influenced them

So right off the bat, there are FIVE things I know-that-I-don't-know, compared to two new things I know.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #125 on: March 13, 2009, 04:26:19 AM »

Most people are stupid.
Does that include you?
Ms. Shinka,  we're all stupid...  Each in our own way.  It's part of what makes us interesting.

Speak for yourself, Cee.

(It's funny coz you know everything!)
Think of knowledge as a ball...  What you know is inside, what you don't know is outside...

...and what you know that you don't know is the surface of the ball...  The bigger the ball,
the more surface.  Dig?

Uh... I think I get your drift. But, whatever - I just meant you're like supersmart.
For example:
This morning, I had never heard of a band called "Take That".  Now I have, so I know more.
I even know they came from Manchester, so I know two things...

But I don't know:
-what sort of band/music
-who the members of the band are/were
-are they still together
-would I like their music
-what bands did they influence/what bands influenced them

So right off the bat, there are FIVE things I know-that-I-don't-know, compared to two new things I know.

Yeah, but yesterday you didn't know any of those things OR that they existed. Just cos you didn't know you didn't know it, doesn't mean you didn't know it. Or, you know, something like that...

And, for the record:
Boyband
Gary Barlow, Mark Owen, Jason Orange, Howard Donald and, in the original line-up, Robbie Williams
They split in 1996 but reformed in 2006, though without Robbie Williams who was doing his solo thang
You might - they make middle-of-the-road, completely inoffensive pop, but they make it very well. I dig 'em, but I've got terrible taste.
I don't know their influence, but I'm willing to bet they'd claim the Beatles.

And, if you're wondering, yes, I did know that without looking them up ^.^
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Haushinka

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #126 on: March 13, 2009, 11:42:07 AM »

Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it, I just want yuo back for good.

Want you back, want you back, want you back for gooood.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #127 on: March 13, 2009, 11:49:48 AM »

Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it, I just want yuo back for good.

Want you back, want you back, want you back for gooood.

Yeah you and me we can light up the sky if you stay by my side we can ru-ule the woooooooooorld
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #128 on: March 13, 2009, 01:49:34 PM »

FUCK OFF.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #129 on: March 13, 2009, 01:52:26 PM »

EVERYTHING CHANGES BUT YOOOOUUUUU!!!
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #130 on: March 13, 2009, 02:03:48 PM »

EVERYTHING CHANGES BUT FUCK OFF!!!
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #131 on: March 13, 2009, 02:08:16 PM »

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #132 on: March 13, 2009, 05:55:16 PM »

i haven't been following this conversation much at all.  a little in the beginning... but suicide is a hard topic for me


i had a very serious attempt back in september.  The scars are disgusting.  No one has seen my fore arms since i got out of the hospital.

I haven't been sleeping well lately and after hour 25 of no sleep, depression hits pretty hard.  I was making something last night and before i knew it i had an exacto knife to one of my wrists, right next to the scare.  I was pressing so hard i did cut down, but didn't pull the blade back.  I went to bed instead.


I do this often.

i feel like a failure, and an embarrassment.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #133 on: March 13, 2009, 05:59:19 PM »

You feel...
Most of the time I am.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #134 on: March 13, 2009, 06:04:47 PM »

Ah, sorry Jessy - and anyone else who might be offended by me and Fergus' blatant hijacking of this thread for Take That-based mayhem.

I feel like a failure a lot of the time - if I throw up, or don't eat, I feel useless as a person for doing stuff that I know's bad for me. If I eat, I feel like a useless fat heffer and that I've given in to my urges. If I get proud of not throwing up or of eating normally for a while, then I feel stupid for being such a loser that normal functions are things for me to be proud of. The same with sleeping - if I do it, I feel like I've got no self-control, and if I don't then I feel like a fucking moron for doing this to myself. And that's just stuff in my own world - I don't hardly do anything right at school or at home or anything, and then nothing I do is good enough or I'm a tard for thinking it is good enough. And all this makes me feel like a failure for clearly being unable to function like a normal human being.



Kinda wish I'd stuck to Take That now   :embarassed:
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Haushinka

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #135 on: March 14, 2009, 11:23:00 AM »

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CeeGBee

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #137 on: March 14, 2009, 02:39:32 PM »

I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm really kinda glad I don't know this band...
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #138 on: March 14, 2009, 05:10:08 PM »

Ah, just YouTube 'em, Cee. They're a national treasure. I can't think of an American equivalent... Possibly *NSYNC? But less ARGH! and more AAW! Or Backstreet Boys... Ah, whatever - Take That are better than them anyway. I mean, none of them had a superduper come-back, did they now?! ^.^
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CeeGBee

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #139 on: March 14, 2009, 05:17:18 PM »

Yep, definitely glad I've missed 'em...

Now then, may we return to a less painful subject than pre-fab boy bands?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #140 on: March 14, 2009, 05:18:57 PM »

Well, I tried! But then SOMEBODY quoted the (rather marvellous) picture of mine and I got all distracted again.

But let me just say, if you have a pop-loving bone in your body, I cannot beLIEVE you wouldn't like Take That. I get that some people don't dig the kind of stuff they do, but they do it well, you know?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #141 on: March 14, 2009, 06:23:59 PM »

Pop music is shit.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #142 on: March 14, 2009, 08:41:08 PM »

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #143 on: March 14, 2009, 08:44:28 PM »

You suck so much...
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #144 on: March 15, 2009, 10:40:20 AM »

Pop music is shit.

You're just Wrong. I mean, if nothing else, it's short for "popular", so by definition, you're outvoted.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #145 on: March 15, 2009, 10:44:56 PM »

Sure, The majority can't possibly be wrong can they? Uh oh, here comes the Red Terror!
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #146 on: March 17, 2009, 11:57:49 PM »

I'm tired of self respect
I can't afford a car
I want to be a pre-fab
SUPERSTAR!

...but there's just one thing I need to know
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #147 on: March 18, 2009, 10:12:44 AM »

Sure, The majority can't possibly be wrong can they? Uh oh, here comes the Red Terror!

Ok, so that was a crap argument. Sorry.

How about the fact the term "pop" covers such a broad variety of acts that there's BOUND to be something in there you like? It's like saying you don't like The Beatles - they've got so much material, there's got to be something in there, just one song, that on a certain day when you're in a certain mood, you're gonna dig. That in itself would suggest to me that they're not shit - they've got a lot of shit songs, (and I'm not saying they do, btw, I'm saying that that's what I'd infer if my example happenedt to be the case) but they've got some good stuff too. Also, you can hardly pretend you've listened to All Pop Music EVER - saying "pop is shit" is like saying "dogs are crap pets" or "lesbians are boring" when you've had one crap dog, or met one boring lesbian. It's just a dumb fucking thing to say.

/rant
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CeeGBee

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #148 on: March 18, 2009, 12:41:46 PM »

Sinatra - pop
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #149 on: March 18, 2009, 10:58:54 PM »

ive been flirting with those suicidal thoughts again. they are fleeting. in and out. not as severe as before where i am afraid i will actually try to act out on them again. but they are here, nonetheless.
this week has been a rough one for me. a lot of personal bullshit came back up, resurfaced in my brain, if you will, and has really brought on the depression again. and it fucking sucks because i am literally by myself in dealing with this for the next two weeks until i see my therapist again. and even when i do see him, i probably won't mention it out of fear of being sent back to the psych hospital.
but i guess the good thing is i haven't been cutting again. just... finding new ways of self-harm such as picking at sores that have been created on my skin (under clothes) and picking at my cuticles and nails so that i usually have sores on all of my fingers and it's no big deal to see one of them bleeding.
gross, i know. but it distracts me from the emotional pain right now.
and it has to be a sight better than cutting, right?
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CeeGBee

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #150 on: March 19, 2009, 12:51:41 AM »

Yes, it's better than cutting.

I'm assuming here (perhaps a bad idea) that you'll at least tell your therapist about the underlying
issues, even if you don't feel up to discussing the self-injuring impulses...  Right? 

Small steps?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #151 on: March 19, 2009, 01:34:56 AM »

I wish I knew why cutting has been on my mind lately. I most likely won't, since I made promises, but still...
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #152 on: March 19, 2009, 01:37:35 AM »

I have never really understood why cutting seems to be the thing to do when one is stressed. Surely that would make everything worse? I know it's a different kind of pain and it can take your mind off whatever, but it is not a solution and there are many more productive things to release your energy on.

Take up kickboxing!
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #153 on: March 19, 2009, 01:40:01 AM »

Aha, I have the fighting abilities of your average broomstick...

It will make things worse, I know that. Doesn't make the thoughts go away, though. I think part of me thinks I deserve it for some reason.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #154 on: March 19, 2009, 01:40:14 AM »

The other day I couldn't imagine any point in the future and thought, fleetingly, maybe I just shouldn't attend The Future.

Then I freaked out and thought that maybe I should get counselling.

PS The thing with cutting is it's a release. When I did it, it felt good because it made me feel, and it also felt like I was punishing myself for not being happy, and that was a good thing because that meant that I'd be more motivated to get happy. Depression and mental illness and instability can work in very, very strange ways.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #155 on: March 19, 2009, 01:42:07 AM »

Hmm. I guess I'm just lucky enough to never had mental health issues, even though I have been through a lot of shit periods in my life.
I guess the ability to switch off works in my favour sometimes. It makes me feel like a cold heartless bitch the rest of the time
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #156 on: March 19, 2009, 01:48:11 AM »

Part of the stupid thing about it is that I'm actually in a *much much* better position than I ever have been before. I've finally broken free of my repression and messed-up mental state, so why on earth am I having these thoughts now? I guessed it might be because now I actually feel real and alive, I feel things a lot more, so the lows are hitting me harder.

Brianne, that actually does go some way to describe the appeal. But I promised people I wouldn't, so I won't. I should probably get counselling though, if I weren't so scared of being told that nothing's wrong and I'm making too big a deal of things and should just shut up and get on with my overdue work. I'm not even sure they'd understand anyhow. I'm fine, really.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #157 on: March 19, 2009, 01:51:44 AM »

Part of the stupid thing about it is that I'm actually in a *much much* better position than I ever have been before. I've finally broken free of my repression and messed-up mental state, so why on earth am I having these thoughts now? I guessed it might be because now I actually feel real and alive, I feel things a lot more, so the lows are hitting me harder.

Brianne, that actually does go some way to describe the appeal. But I promised people I wouldn't, so I won't. I should probably get counselling though, if I weren't so scared of being told that nothing's wrong and I'm making too big a deal of things and should just shut up and get on with my overdue work. I'm not even sure they'd understand anyhow. I'm fine, really.

A therapist would never tell you that there's nothing wrong. If you are feeling like this, there's a reason behind it, and you should get it seen to.
If you had a terrible flu or something, you would go to the doctor, this is no different.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #158 on: March 19, 2009, 01:58:07 AM »

I'm worried about what the reason might be. I can only think of work-related stress and relationship-related stress, although I also have a reason to be a little emotionally crazy at the moment, which probably enhances the others. I need to do the work to get rid of it, but I worry so much it's hard to actually do. And you know about the relationship stuff. I could do with taking a break from things, but at the end of my final semester before final exams, with four essays, a precis and a whole dissertation to deal with before them, this is not the time to be slacking.

Actually, I'm one of those people who still goes into work / attends lessons even when they are sick, and feels guilty if they do not...although I do go and see the doctor...provided it's the handsome one and not Dr Grumpyface who lied to me because he doesn't like who I am.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #159 on: March 19, 2009, 02:24:14 AM »

You can't expect to have all this pressure on you with repercussions. Can you take a break from any one of those things??
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #160 on: March 19, 2009, 02:29:26 AM »

I can get extensions, perhaps (if they're really nice to me, and don't think I'm just being lazy), but that's about it. Most of the assignments go towards my final grades, and the ones that don't are necessary to qualify for the exam. So I don't have a choice. I have to have them done by the end of April, and I don't feel I can properly work on the ultra-important dissertation until the essays are out of the way...

I got myself into this mess. It also doesn't help I'm seen as a honours student, and that my current grade average puts me right on the boundrary between a 1st and a 2:1.

...the work isn't all of it though. I feel kinda fragile at the moment.

Thankyou for reading all this, by the way.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #161 on: March 19, 2009, 02:35:20 AM »

Well done on the grade average!

and, no problem. I'm sorry I can't suggest anything helpful.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #162 on: March 19, 2009, 02:39:40 AM »

Well done on the grade average!

and, no problem. I'm sorry I can't suggest anything helpful.

Thanks. I do feel that I have an unfair advantage with my photographic memory and writing ability, though.
Having said that, I feel like I'll let people down if I don't get a First...they expect it of me, after all.

Just reading what I've had to say has been helpful. Thankyou :)
I just hope I haven't put anyone off me now after all this.

...still scared to see a counsellor or psych about all this though. I'm not someone people tend to think of as troubled.

Sorry for derailing this thread so much, everyone.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #163 on: March 19, 2009, 02:43:32 AM »

The only expectations you should live up to are your own. but, of course these are usually higher than everyone else's. Just don't think about anyone else for now, do what YOU want, and take an odd day off to have to yourself! They are very beneficial to the mind.

and, of course it's not going to put anyone off you, silly! no one is perfect and we are all human, here.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #164 on: March 19, 2009, 02:50:59 AM »

The only expectations you should live up to are your own. but, of course these are usually higher than everyone else's. Just don't think about anyone else for now, do what YOU want, and take an odd day off to have to yourself! They are very beneficial to the mind.

and, of course it's not going to put anyone off you, silly! no one is perfect and we are all human, here.
I'm super-harsh on myself if you let me be...

I don't think I can afford to take a day off for a while, with the exception of a few events here and there. I feel like I don't work enough as it is...

Roisin, you're really sweet. I'm truly glad to have you here :)
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #165 on: March 19, 2009, 02:53:17 AM »

The only expectations you should live up to are your own. but, of course these are usually higher than everyone else's. Just don't think about anyone else for now, do what YOU want, and take an odd day off to have to yourself! They are very beneficial to the mind.

and, of course it's not going to put anyone off you, silly! no one is perfect and we are all human, here.
I'm super-harsh on myself if you let me be...

I don't think I can afford to take a day off for a while, with the exception of a few events here and there. I feel like I don't work enough as it is...

Roisin, you're really sweet. I'm truly glad to have you here :)

That is super nice, thank you. I am glad to be here =]

Also, it sounds like you work yourself too much and that is what has gotten you here. Don't be so harsh on yourself love. It's never half as bad as you think ;)
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #166 on: March 19, 2009, 05:14:17 PM »

Of course it's as bad as you think.

Sorry, Scatter, not to try and sound pessimistic and horrible, I'm happy things are going ok for you.

But when you're in a state of depression, then it doesn't matter what the actual fact of the matter is, it feels like shit. However bad you think it is, that's exactly as bad as it is, almost by definition. I mean, when doing something as simple as getting up in the morning makes you feel so horribly unhappy, deeply seriously miserable, then the fact that the sun's shining and your job pays well and you have people around you who love you and care for you doesn't mean shit - your life is still fucking horrible.

As for cutting, I only cut when I want proper punishment for being a cunt or when I go, "I need to feel like *this*". I self-harm in other ways, which are usually about spazzing out at myself and losing all control and just hurting myself in any way possible because something I've done has made this hatred all bubble up inside me. Cutting takes more planning and more thought than, say, punching yourself in the head or smashing your hand into a wall or something.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #167 on: March 19, 2009, 09:35:19 PM »

I don't even know how bad it is relative to how I think. I get sad and upset with myself and when I search for the reasons, they are seemingly hard to find.

Indja, I've done those alternatives many times. Except I can't punch anything, so slamming my head into desks, or hitting myself with heavy books, or scratching off part of my skin have to serve instead. The scratching one hurt for days though, and I think I can still see where it was.

Anyhow, in case it wasn't obvious, I'm pretty certain now I have depression. I certainly feel about as stable as a Jenga tower in a tornado, and I'm thinking some thoughts I really shouldn't be thinking. If I hadn't made promises, those thoughts might be being carried out now. Ironically enough given this thread, not suicide, because I could never do that like I said before.

But that's not to say I'm not feeling like a freight train hit me in the pitch black middle of the night. I am fragile, and I feel close to breaking, even if I can still seem like a fresh pane of glass for most of the day, stable and fine. And many things are, which makes me feel all the worse. It feels so stupid feeling so sad when it's such a lovely day and the future is looking broadly optimistic.

Plus, I told my girlfriend about the feelings I'd been having, and now our relationship seems on the rock and I'm not sure I can take that right now on top of everything else. She's perfectly right to feel so hurt, though. After all, wanting her to be something she's not is tantamount to not really loving her, right, even though I know I do. I am just selfish.

I need to get help, but I'm so scared to.

I think I'm going to be sick. Thank goodness I skipped dinner.

And sorry for all the depressiveness, everyone. I'm sorry to those who thought I was better than this.
I now return you to your regular Shadowbox.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #168 on: March 20, 2009, 09:13:08 AM »

Luvver, you've got nothing to apologise for - that's one of the great things about this board, people are going to accept you for who you are. And I don't just mean who you come across as being, I mean who you are in that moment, whether it ties in with their previous idea of you or not. So don't, please, don't *ever* feel you have to apologise for talking about how you feel - it certainly doesn't make you less of a person, feeling those things, and it won't ever change what I think of you, that being that you're a beautiful, sensitive, good person. And I'm not just saying that cos you're miserable either! I know I don't know you, but I feel like I'm getting to know you, and seeing other sides to you and new depths and that's all a good thing.

Having depression isn't something to be ashamed of - mental illness in all forms should be talked about, as freely as any other illness. I think that the stigma and unwillingness to discuss it causes as much, if not more, harm than the actual illnesses themselves. And what I meant by my previous post is that it's illogical to feel stupid for feeling down when "it's such a lovely day and the future is looking broadly optimistic" because those feelings come from an internal source and have little or nothing to do with the world around you - it's your own head screwing about with things. That being said, tackling the things that are getting you down in the outside world could help, as well as realising what triggers the depression? I know that mine (I've not been diagnosed, because I'm too scared to "come clean" as it were to my family and things by getting professional help, which is in itself mind-blowingly stupid, but I've been having episodes of depression about three times a year since I was about 12, which I know sounds stupidly young, but back then they weren't as bad as they are now - I think they pile up on each other or something so the more I have the worse each one is. That was a long sentence. And all in parenthesis as well! Go me) is all about lack of control, failure, bad communication between myself and the people around me and then some more failure on top of the other stuff. Weather doesn't help either, with at least one a year cropping up when it starts getting colder.

I think - and I know this is A) hugely sort of obvious and B) kind of dumb to say because it is SO difficult to do, not to mention C) completely hypocritical because I can't even take my own advice - you need to talk about it. Talk to your girlfriend about why she's upset - you love her, I don't doubt she loves you, and just because you might feel like you want something else doesn't mean you don't love what she is now. Tell her, maybe, you need some support? I don't know, as I don't know how your relationship works, but I do know that all the relationships of mine that have ever broken down (friends, family, whatever) has been from people not talking about how they feel.

I totally know what you mean by saying you're scared to get help - like I said, I can't bring myself to. Or not yet, anyway. But even just talking to us about it could help?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #169 on: March 20, 2009, 09:30:13 AM »

Luvver, you've got nothing to apologise for - that's one of the great things about this board, people are going to accept you for who you are. And I don't just mean who you come across as being, I mean who you are in that moment, whether it ties in with their previous idea of you or not. So don't, please, don't *ever* feel you have to apologise for talking about how you feel - it certainly doesn't make you less of a person, feeling those things, and it won't ever change what I think of you, that being that you're a beautiful, sensitive, good person. And I'm not just saying that cos you're miserable either! I know I don't know you, but I feel like I'm getting to know you, and seeing other sides to you and new depths and that's all a good thing.

Having depression isn't something to be ashamed of - mental illness in all forms should be talked about, as freely as any other illness. I think that the stigma and unwillingness to discuss it causes as much, if not more, harm than the actual illnesses themselves. And what I meant by my previous post is that it's illogical to feel stupid for feeling down when "it's such a lovely day and the future is looking broadly optimistic" because those feelings come from an internal source and have little or nothing to do with the world around you - it's your own head screwing about with things. That being said, tackling the things that are getting you down in the outside world could help, as well as realising what triggers the depression? I know that mine (I've not been diagnosed, because I'm too scared to "come clean" as it were to my family and things by getting professional help, which is in itself mind-blowingly stupid, but I've been having episodes of depression about three times a year since I was about 12, which I know sounds stupidly young, but back then they weren't as bad as they are now - I think they pile up on each other or something so the more I have the worse each one is. That was a long sentence. And all in parenthesis as well! Go me) is all about lack of control, failure, bad communication between myself and the people around me and then some more failure on top of the other stuff. Weather doesn't help either, with at least one a year cropping up when it starts getting colder.

I think - and I know this is A) hugely sort of obvious and B) kind of dumb to say because it is SO difficult to do, not to mention C) completely hypocritical because I can't even take my own advice - you need to talk about it. Talk to your girlfriend about why she's upset - you love her, I don't doubt she loves you, and just because you might feel like you want something else doesn't mean you don't love what she is now. Tell her, maybe, you need some support? I don't know, as I don't know how your relationship works, but I do know that all the relationships of mine that have ever broken down (friends, family, whatever) has been from people not talking about how they feel.

I totally know what you mean by saying you're scared to get help - like I said, I can't bring myself to. Or not yet, anyway. But even just talking to us about it could help?

This. And, I'm sure there are a number of people on this forum who will gladly listen to you if you needed to talk to someone uninvolved, me being one of them.

You are not alone.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #170 on: March 20, 2009, 03:28:57 PM »

The other day I couldn't imagine any point in the future and thought, fleetingly, maybe I just shouldn't attend The Future.

Then I freaked out and thought that maybe I should get counselling.

PS The thing with cutting is it's a release. When I did it, it felt good because it made me feel, and it also felt like I was punishing myself for not being happy, and that was a good thing because that meant that I'd be more motivated to get happy. Depression and mental illness and instability can work in very, very strange ways.

those are a few of the same reasons that i do it.
also, i grew up in a physically abusive household. i was also emotionally abused and put down every single day since i can remember. its sort of been ingrained in me that i am a bad person and that when i do something bad, i have to be "punished". a lot of my cutting is my carrying out the "punishment" for doing something i think is "wrong".
but i also do it sometimes just to feel something other than emotional pain.
right after i was raped i used to cut and believe that i was releasing all of the "bad" things that were inside of me. if that makes sense.

i found millions of reasons to cut. all of them seemed/seem valid to me at the time.
it became an addiction. when i was in middle school it became so bad that every passing period i would have to duck into the bathroom stall just to "get my fix". sometimes when it got really bad i would ask to go to the bathroom during class just to cut. there was one teacher that knew that i was cutting when he let me go to the bathroom. he was the one that actually found me in the bathroom when i tried to kill myself... and i really believe he saved my life... if it wouldnt have been for him they wouldn't have found me in time and the ambulance wouldnt have arrived in time, etc.
... i never got the chance to thank him, either. that bothers me.

i see a therapist. i was in psych hospital twice this past fall. im working on it.
and i haven't cut since december. im getting better.

but like i posted earlier, i realize im also starting to resort to other sorts of self-injury... much less severe, though.. tearing at my nails and cuticles till they bleed and picking at sores all over my body...

i don't know. *shrug* hope that helps someone understand why we cut/hurt ourselves.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #171 on: March 20, 2009, 03:36:52 PM »

I guess maybe you just have to be in that place to understand it. I'm not judging or anything, I find that when I feel overwhelmed, I do some sort of physical exercise, even if it's just running until I can't anymore, it really helps to get the anger out, and it also hurts just in a different way.

This is just my take on it, and everyone deals with things their own way. Personally, I would rather do something productive than something that is not. *shrug* This may not make sense to anyone but myself.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #172 on: March 20, 2009, 03:43:48 PM »

I don't know if you understand. Cutting produces positive feelings. It is therefore productive, despite being destructive.

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #173 on: March 20, 2009, 03:52:31 PM »

Oh, I didn't understand that bit.

Thank you for trying to explain it to an "outsider".
It is of a peculiar interest to me, I love learning about human behaviours.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #174 on: March 20, 2009, 10:18:46 PM »

I wish I knew why cutting has been on my mind lately. I most likely won't, since I made promises, but still...
Same here. Everything is fine, but there always seems to be something wrong. I made a promise to my girlfriend that I wouldn't cut, and she said she wouldn't either, and that was a month ago, so I guess I will have to wait and see how long it takes one of us to slip.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #175 on: March 20, 2009, 11:49:48 PM »

I don't know if you understand. Cutting produces positive feelings. It is therefore productive, despite being destructive.



yeah. the "medical" explanation is that it releases endorphins. same with how you run, Roisin.
that's why it makes us feel good.
there's some kind of adrenaline rush.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #176 on: March 21, 2009, 06:38:43 AM »

I don't know if you understand. Cutting produces positive feelings. It is therefore productive, despite being destructive.



yeah. the "medical" explanation is that it releases endorphins. same with how you run, Roisin.
that's why it makes us feel good.
there's some kind of adrenaline rush.


Well, if it's the same as when you run, why not do that instead? :-X
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #177 on: March 21, 2009, 03:24:44 PM »

Yeah, so.

Shot myself in the face earlier.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #178 on: March 21, 2009, 05:46:13 PM »

Yeah, so.

Shot myself in the face earlier.
So glad you missed.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #179 on: March 21, 2009, 05:51:22 PM »

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #180 on: March 22, 2009, 01:31:56 PM »

Missed? No, I'm a mess.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #181 on: March 22, 2009, 01:32:54 PM »

what did you shoot yourself with?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #182 on: March 22, 2009, 01:33:14 PM »

An ashtray.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #183 on: March 22, 2009, 01:34:36 PM »

...huh?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #184 on: March 22, 2009, 01:35:36 PM »

Yep. Turned the ashtray on myself, pointed it right at my face, and fired.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #185 on: March 22, 2009, 01:36:11 PM »

oh dear
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #186 on: March 22, 2009, 01:38:02 PM »

Oh know, it was horrible.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #187 on: March 23, 2009, 09:16:51 PM »

This is so, so tragic:
http://www.theage.com.au/world/sylvia-plaths-son-commits-suicide-20090324-97wn.html

'Nick and the Candlestick' has always been one of my favourite Plath poems.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #188 on: March 23, 2009, 09:19:27 PM »

Not surprising though. Depression and schizophrenia runs very deep in poetic families, and worst of all in the poets themselves.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #189 on: March 24, 2009, 03:52:30 AM »

I don't know if you understand. Cutting produces positive feelings. It is therefore productive, despite being destructive.



yeah. the "medical" explanation is that it releases endorphins. same with how you run, Roisin.
that's why it makes us feel good.
there's some kind of adrenaline rush.


Well, if it's the same as when you run, why not do that instead? :-X

haha, because i am incredibly fat.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #190 on: March 24, 2009, 12:21:36 PM »

I don't know if you understand. Cutting produces positive feelings. It is therefore productive, despite being destructive.



yeah. the "medical" explanation is that it releases endorphins. same with how you run, Roisin.
that's why it makes us feel good.
there's some kind of adrenaline rush.


Well, if it's the same as when you run, why not do that instead? :-X

haha, because i am incredibly fat.

well that would solve two problems then! haha
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #191 on: March 24, 2009, 01:11:58 PM »

I don't know if you understand. Cutting produces positive feelings. It is therefore productive, despite being destructive.



yeah. the "medical" explanation is that it releases endorphins. same with how you run, Roisin.
that's why it makes us feel good.
there's some kind of adrenaline rush.


Well, if it's the same as when you run, why not do that instead? :-X

haha, because i am incredibly fat.

well that would solve two problems then! haha

*sighs* true...
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #192 on: March 24, 2009, 02:52:59 PM »

I don't know if you understand. Cutting produces positive feelings. It is therefore productive, despite being destructive.



yeah. the "medical" explanation is that it releases endorphins. same with how you run, Roisin.
that's why it makes us feel good.
there's some kind of adrenaline rush.


Well, if it's the same as when you run, why not do that instead? :-X

haha, because i am incredibly fat.

well that would solve two problems then! haha

*sighs* true...
If I can do it..... 

start slow, small steps and all that...  It kinda sucks while you're doing it, but when you finish
you feel great...
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #193 on: March 24, 2009, 02:55:15 PM »

I don't know if you understand. Cutting produces positive feelings. It is therefore productive, despite being destructive.



yeah. the "medical" explanation is that it releases endorphins. same with how you run, Roisin.
that's why it makes us feel good.
there's some kind of adrenaline rush.


Well, if it's the same as when you run, why not do that instead? :-X

haha, because i am incredibly fat.

well that would solve two problems then! haha

*sighs* true...
If I can do it..... 

start slow, small steps and all that...  It kinda sucks while you're doing it, but when you finish
you feel great...

Hey! Being incredibly fat isn't a problem if it's how someone wants to be!

Also: I don't run because my boobs will slap me in the face.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #194 on: March 24, 2009, 03:00:28 PM »

oh, i know it's not a problem if someone wants to be, i was just generalising.

I don't think is an issue, sorry if that's how it came across!
And, walking can be just as good! :P
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #195 on: March 24, 2009, 03:08:29 PM »

Hey! Being incredibly fat isn't a problem if it's how someone wants to be!

Also: I don't run because my boobs will slap me in the face.
I kinda doubt the "incredibly" part...  I mean, I could stand to trim down a bit, but "incredibly fat"?
Probably not...  and even if, start with some walking, a mile or two...  work from there.

As for that other:  That's an excuse; they make special undergarments to protect one from just such
an injury...   :icon_tongue:
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #196 on: March 24, 2009, 03:12:41 PM »

And ruin said undergarments because of the effects of gravity? I don't think so. Especially not since I can't afford them in the first place. I'll stick to swimming if I want cardio.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #197 on: March 24, 2009, 03:17:33 PM »

I'll stick to swimming if I want cardio.

Ah luv swimmin'...  but ah can't afford pool membership...   :embarassed:
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #198 on: March 24, 2009, 03:21:26 PM »

i took a girl to starbucks today to talk about things. she's so suicidal that i didn't want to leave her to go home. but i had to. i'm very worried.

I don't know a lot about acting toward suicidal people, but maybe you should call a suicide hotline and ask for advice? Or just phone her in a couple hours, make sure she's alright?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #199 on: March 24, 2009, 03:23:40 PM »

I don't know if you understand. Cutting produces positive feelings. It is therefore productive, despite being destructive.



This is a ridiculous outlook. Maybe I was in an entirely different situation, but cutting only makes a situation worse. You cut, you cover it up, people offer you help, you hate yourself for being so obvious and stupid and then you cut yourself somewhere else. You're avoiding dealing with a problem in a healthy way here.
It took me a LONG time to realise that cutting and my other self destructive ways were the "easy" way out of actually dealing with a problem. And no matter how some people here will debate this, depression comes from not being able to deal with problems.
It may seem hard, but you have to find another REAL way to deal with these problems. You will never ever be able to live in the "real" world until you have learned to speak to other people about your feelings. 5 years ago I was a depressed, cutting, off the rails 16 year old, and looking back now I was an idiot- I didn't even really have problems, I just dramatised the ones I did have. I sank lower and lower and hid behind my rebellious ways until one day my gran (who has always been the sweetest woman in the world) told me I was cutting myself off from my family, and started crying. It broke my heart and from that day on I worked hard at being open and honest and spending my time as a normal person does. I wouldnt 'have my job, have gone to college or even be independent from my parents if I hadn't had that turning point.

I know this advice will be gunned down for not being considerate of peoples individual situations, but really, everyone has the same story. And yes- REAL suicidal thoughts are VERY different from self harm and self destructive behaviour.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #200 on: March 24, 2009, 03:31:49 PM »

i took a girl to starbucks today to talk about things. she's so suicidal that i didn't want to leave her to go home. but i had to. i'm very worried.

I don't know a lot about acting toward suicidal people, but maybe you should call a suicide hotline and ask for advice? Or just phone her in a couple hours, make sure she's alright?

the reason i met her is because she harms herself. and the counselor at school knows that i want to be a psychiatrist, so she thought it would be good for me to talk to her, get some practice in. i'll have to talk to the counselor and see if she knows just how deep this girls self hatred runs.

Good luck, I hope the counselor can get her help.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #201 on: March 24, 2009, 03:37:08 PM »

i took a girl to starbucks today to talk about things. she's so suicidal that i didn't want to leave her to go home. but i had to. i'm very worried.

I don't know a lot about acting toward suicidal people, but maybe you should call a suicide hotline and ask for advice? Or just phone her in a couple hours, make sure she's alright?

the reason i met her is because she harms herself. and the counselor at school knows that i want to be a psychiatrist, so she thought it would be good for me to talk to her, get some practice in. i'll have to talk to the counselor and see if she knows just how deep this girls self hatred runs.

I really hope she'll be okay...poor girl :(

I can't tell you often enough how amazing you are, Sarah.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #202 on: March 24, 2009, 05:20:23 PM »

I don't know if you understand. Cutting produces positive feelings. It is therefore productive, despite being destructive.



This is a ridiculous outlook. Maybe I was in an entirely different situation, but cutting only makes a situation worse. You cut, you cover it up, people offer you help, you hate yourself for being so obvious and stupid and then you cut yourself somewhere else. You're avoiding dealing with a problem in a healthy way here.
It took me a LONG time to realise that cutting and my other self destructive ways were the "easy" way out of actually dealing with a problem. And no matter how some people here will debate this, depression comes from not being able to deal with problems.
It may seem hard, but you have to find another REAL way to deal with these problems. You will never ever be able to live in the "real" world until you have learned to speak to other people about your feelings. 5 years ago I was a depressed, cutting, off the rails 16 year old, and looking back now I was an idiot- I didn't even really have problems, I just dramatised the ones I did have. I sank lower and lower and hid behind my rebellious ways until one day my gran (who has always been the sweetest woman in the world) told me I was cutting myself off from my family, and started crying. It broke my heart and from that day on I worked hard at being open and honest and spending my time as a normal person does. I wouldnt 'have my job, have gone to college or even be independent from my parents if I hadn't had that turning point.

I know this advice will be gunned down for not being considerate of peoples individual situations, but really, everyone has the same story. And yes- REAL suicidal thoughts are VERY different from self harm and self destructive behaviour.

You're totally right, I think - or at least, I agree with you, which often isn't the same thing at all... I only self-harm (not just cutting, other shit too) when I have things that I'm scared of dealing with that I can't control. If I could deal with them properly then I wouldn't do it. And the initial surge of good feeling I get from hurting myself is only *ever* around until I realise what I've done and then feel like a useless stupid lump and it makes everything worse. I would *never* say that cutting was a good thing - EVER. It's just another way of coping - not coping well, not the right way of coping, but a way.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #203 on: March 24, 2009, 11:07:27 PM »

My point was not that it's a good thing, only that it's productive. It produces a result. When I did it, five years ago, it made me feel something, and thus made me feel good. Positive feelings amongst all of the shitty ones. Obviously I'm not telling everybody to go out and cut themselves.

I was offended at the notion that those who cut aren't in some way as good as those who run. Because they're not being "productive."

Indja is correct, it's a way of coping. Which was what I was trying to imply.

My outlook simply is not ridiculous.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #204 on: March 24, 2009, 11:25:57 PM »

My point was not that it's a good thing, only that it's productive. It produces a result. When I did it, five years ago, it made me feel something, and thus made me feel good. Positive feelings amongst all of the shitty ones. Obviously I'm not telling everybody to go out and cut themselves.

I was offended at the notion that those who cut aren't in some way as good as those who run. Because they're not being "productive."

Indja is correct, it's a way of coping. Which was what I was trying to imply.

My outlook simply is not ridiculous.

totally agree with you. just because we cut ourselves doesnt mean we're like terrible fucked up people compared to those that find release with something else. and, yeah, im a little offended as well...  :-\

the past few nights have been extremely hard for me. ever since my group therapy meeting last tuesday i have been suffering from resurfacing memories and pain and im having a really hard time dealing with them. then tonight i went to the therapy group again, tried to talk, and felt as if i was completely invisible because even when i tried to talk, someone would interrupt me and/or change the subject.
ive had that nagging feeling in the pit of my gut telling me to cut. begging me to cut again. it got to the point last week that i wanted to purposely wreck my car because i was just that depressed. it's frustrating as hell.
to get by i've been playing a lot of music, listening to a lot of music, writing, and trying to create art. it gets me through.
but suicidal thoughts are still fleeting from time to time. gah. i hate this.
i think i need to email my therapist... but i know he'll just tell me that if he caves and has me come in this week to speak with him about whats bothering me instead of waiting till my appointment on monday, it would be "unhealthy". sometimes i really hate him for that shit...
anyways, sorry. random, unimportant rants. it feels better to just get out how i feel.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #205 on: March 24, 2009, 11:42:35 PM »

<3
Big hugs for you, Chay.

Last week one of my classes talked about a touchy subject for me and I, too, have been having resurfacing memories. It's really hard to deal with, and I'm not sure that I ever will without seeking help.

I've thought about suicide a couple of times, fleetingly, but I'm afraid that's just how it starts. The last time I was like this was 5 years ago. I've been feeling like cutting, but I don't know what I'd use, any more.

So I just ignore it and go on the internet and write papers and stay busy and waste time and sleep in.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #206 on: March 24, 2009, 11:47:35 PM »

its good that you can keep yourself busy enough to keep your mind off of it.
ive been trying to do the same - read, write, play music, go on the internet, etc. - but the memories are persistent.
ive had a very extensive past with self-mutilation and have attempted suicide on more than one occasion. so unfortunately, as soon as things start going bad, that is what i resort back to. im trying to break the habit, but its hard sometimes.
im currently trying to get the balls to write an email to my therapist... heh.


anyways, hope things get better for you soon. i'll be thinking of you :)

*hugs hugs hugs*
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #207 on: March 24, 2009, 11:50:45 PM »

*hugs for both Chay and Brianne*

I'm having problems with things myself lately, but they're currently not bad enough to have me thinking the same things I did last weekend. That said, I know I still need to get help, and am working on getting it. When I was told how long I'd have to wait for an appointment, I started crying, which is probably a good indicator.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #208 on: March 24, 2009, 11:59:45 PM »

It's the health centre here, so your average waiting time...a week or so. However, that's only really my first step. I might need someone a little more qualified than a councillor, and I don't exactly have much time to spare before my dissertation deadline (which is itself part of the problem).
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #209 on: March 25, 2009, 12:02:51 AM »

*hugs for both Chay and Brianne*

I'm having problems with things myself lately, but they're currently not bad enough to have me thinking the same things I did last weekend. That said, I know I still need to get help, and am working on getting it. When I was told how long I'd have to wait for an appointment, I started crying, which is probably a good indicator.
Well until then you always have us. Feel free to PM me anytime - that goes for all of you. I have been trained in counselling and I am a very good listener - even if it is over the net.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #210 on: March 25, 2009, 12:11:05 AM »

*hugs for both Chay and Brianne*

I'm having problems with things myself lately, but they're currently not bad enough to have me thinking the same things I did last weekend. That said, I know I still need to get help, and am working on getting it. When I was told how long I'd have to wait for an appointment, I started crying, which is probably a good indicator.

aww, im sorry you have to wait hun. that is really rough. ive been there and experienced that.
not good.
if you get to the point where you feel like you can't wait, you should check and see if there are any places near that offer crisis counseling. i know there are some agencies that will do that (at least there are some here in the states...).
*hugs for scatter*
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #211 on: March 25, 2009, 09:26:08 AM »

I don't know if you understand. Cutting produces positive feelings. It is therefore productive, despite being destructive.



The point I was making was a point that any therapist or anyone that has been through the same experience would. As awful and desperate as everything may feel, you know you yourself that you are taking a quick and easy way out by cutting, which isn't actually a real solution. So yeah, you are in some way not as good as someone who runs, because at least that is a way of coping that won't make your family and friends and society in general worry about you, that won't leave horrible scars. No, it's not healthy to be some kind of fitness freak who runs 4 hours a day and doesn't eat much, but in moderation something like that CAN help you.
I personally can mark a date when I stopped cutting and destroying my own life- it was the same date that I started progressing in Muay Thai boxing. I no longer do muay thai boxing (because I have a job that I love), but I can tell you that being dedicated to something, be it art, music, sport, cooking, anything you have a passion for makes things better. And I know I sound condescending, but I really am just trying to help.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #212 on: March 25, 2009, 11:49:11 AM »

*hugs for both Chay and Brianne*

I'm having problems with things myself lately, but they're currently not bad enough to have me thinking the same things I did last weekend. That said, I know I still need to get help, and am working on getting it. When I was told how long I'd have to wait for an appointment, I started crying, which is probably a good indicator.
Well until then you always have us. Feel free to PM me anytime - that goes for all of you. I have been trained in counselling and I am a very good listener - even if it is over the net.


Yeah, same goes for me. I am not trained as a counsellor, but I am a good listener and am completely objective. If any of you need to talk, feel free to PM me or ask for my IM address. Please, just don't feel like you're alone.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #213 on: March 25, 2009, 05:32:05 PM »

Um. I didn't mean to offend anyone - I would never say that someone who cuts themselves is worse than someone who doesn't, I'm sorry if it sounded like that. I just meant that... actually, now I'm all worried about upsetting people and I don't even *know* what I meant, so I'll just shut up.

I really just wanted to say I want to send my love and support (for what it's worth) to everyone who's going through a rough time at the minute - it sucks. I'm sorry.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #214 on: March 25, 2009, 05:32:54 PM »

you're right.

everyone's been there.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #215 on: March 25, 2009, 05:45:49 PM »

I know someone online who says she wants to kill herself. I told her that if that was what she really wanted, I wasn't going to tell her otherwise. I've later come to suspect that she's just a mask of somebody else's though, and have stopped talking to her.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #216 on: March 25, 2009, 06:09:38 PM »

I know someone (actually two people) who would listen to all these problems that people around them have, like cutting and miscarriages and all sorts of fucked up things, and take it on themselves, and tell people that it was themselves that this was actually happening to.

One girl claimed to have had cancer, father and stepfather killed, brother and two sisters dead, and loads of other shit.
Another has had a miscarriage and a cancer scare and loads of stuff like that.

I wonder why they do it.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #217 on: March 25, 2009, 06:10:16 PM »

Heh...heh....yeah, I'll run away now.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #218 on: March 25, 2009, 06:55:54 PM »

I know someone online who says she wants to kill herself. I told her that if that was what she really wanted, I wasn't going to tell her otherwise. I've later come to suspect that she's just a mask of somebody else's though, and have stopped talking to her.
See also: ironic
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #219 on: March 25, 2009, 06:56:44 PM »

Yes, I know, I know...
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #220 on: March 26, 2009, 05:54:55 AM »

Wow.... now Alyss is just part of the furniture and we have people here who don't even remember that whole saga.
And wow.... Roisin's post count is quite near the original alyss'.
Though... less mundane.
How things change.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #221 on: March 26, 2009, 08:42:08 AM »

Told you it's pass.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #222 on: March 26, 2009, 11:27:33 AM »

That is odd. I mean, how quickly it's changed. Good though. We'll just keep it quiet and hope no-one new picks up on the fact that

ALYSS IS MAAAAAAAD!!!
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #223 on: March 26, 2009, 12:43:45 PM »

Pfft, I'm not the one that's crazy. I'm also not bothered whether people know or not.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #224 on: March 27, 2009, 04:41:56 AM »

I'm not the one that's crazy.
I see what you did there  ;D

I doubt new people would care much, they'd probably just laugh.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #225 on: March 27, 2009, 11:24:43 AM »

I've got that written on my wall. It's a good quote to remember.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #226 on: March 27, 2009, 11:56:49 AM »

i've been planning suicided since i was in like 6th grade.

i figured i'd take lots and lots of klonopin, then cut up my wrists, and then throw myself into a lake or a pool or some body of water on a nice snowy winter day so that i'd just turn into a nice bloody human icicle.

but you know.

that's just normal everyday thought.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #227 on: March 27, 2009, 02:27:57 PM »

oOooOooO

i have a planned suicide

smoke weed
take lotsandLOTS of trazadone
cut myself
sink into bathtub
drown
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #228 on: March 27, 2009, 06:00:47 PM »

I was going to go for taking painkillers and slitting my wrists in a forest somewhere.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #229 on: March 27, 2009, 10:00:48 PM »

I was going to go for taking painkillers and slitting my wrists in a forest somewhere.

If a Fergus falls in the middle of the forest, does it make a sound?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #230 on: March 28, 2009, 10:29:40 AM »

I'd prefer the 'fall asleep and don't wake up again' approach than the 'painful bloody end' approach.

...but I'm not considering at all anymore.

I was going to go for taking painkillers and slitting my wrists in a forest somewhere.

If a Fergus falls in the middle of the forest, does it make a sound?

Oooh, morbid.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #231 on: March 28, 2009, 03:34:41 PM »

Dunno, I only weight 10 stone so I'm not too heavy....though I am quite tall...could probably squash a squirrel when I went down.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #232 on: March 31, 2009, 09:18:04 PM »

i have let you all down
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #233 on: March 31, 2009, 09:22:45 PM »

i have let you all down


You have?! I didn't even know I was expecting something!
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #234 on: March 31, 2009, 09:23:36 PM »

good, then don't worry. carry on.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #235 on: April 01, 2009, 12:43:16 AM »

i have let you all down
I was unaware that you were holding me up, or I'd have asked you to let me down long ago.
I'm too heavy, and you could strain something.


No, but seriously, how could you have let us down?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #236 on: April 01, 2009, 12:46:06 AM »

*sends lot of hugs and  :love5: to scatter*

whats the matter, dear?
if you want to send me a pm, feel free. im a good listener.
:)
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #237 on: April 01, 2009, 02:51:34 AM »

*hugs gratefully*

You'd think after the conversation we had a few pages back, I'd have known better. But I was really upset (as in, hyperventilating upset) and felt it was my fault and I should pay for that and it's not far to my kitchen knife.

I don't want this to get any worse. I never thought I'd actually start, but it got easier the more I did it...

I hope the anti-depressants kick in soon.

(and yeah yeah sure im just doing this for attention, ofcourse i am)
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #238 on: April 01, 2009, 06:24:26 AM »

Yeah, cos you're the attention-seeking type(!)

Bullshit have you let us down (at the party, I'll teach you how to say "bullshit" in the true Indja fashion - it's quite fun, tbh!). We're here to help you and support you, no strings attached, no expectations, just acceptance and help. At least, I am - I can't really talk for everyone else, but I'm fairly sure most people here feel much the same - you did something you regret, but that's ok, don't we all? It wasn't a mistake, it wasn't a fuck up, it was just a thing that you did. I know stuff sucks right now, and you feel guilty, but there's nothing to feel guilty about, CERTAINLY not letting us down. I LOVE YOU SCATTER!!! (I'll also teach you the North West Girls' Rugby way of saying "scatter", it's a cracker!)
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #239 on: April 01, 2009, 08:30:56 AM »

Was it your first time? Don't worry about it too much, everyone has upset days and some people do way worse things.
PM me if you wanna talk, if that helps. I dont know.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #240 on: April 01, 2009, 08:47:43 AM »

Yes it was my first time, although I'd have done it once before if I didn't happen not to have access to a knife at the time.

Thankyou, Astica.

...and thankyou so much Indja. You are getting so many hugs when I see you, I swear. *hugs*
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #241 on: April 01, 2009, 10:44:05 AM »

Yeah, cos you're the attention-seeking type(!)

Bullshit have you let us down (at the party, I'll teach you how to say "bullshit" in the true Indja fashion - it's quite fun, tbh!). We're here to help you and support you, no strings attached, no expectations, just acceptance and help. At least, I am - I can't really talk for everyone else, but I'm fairly sure most people here feel much the same - you did something you regret, but that's ok, don't we all? It wasn't a mistake, it wasn't a fuck up, it was just a thing that you did. I know stuff sucks right now, and you feel guilty, but there's nothing to feel guilty about, CERTAINLY not letting us down. I LOVE YOU SCATTER!!! (I'll also teach you the North West Girls' Rugby way of saying "scatter", it's a cracker!)

I completely agree with this. You have not let anyone down.

You are more than welcome to PM me or even IM me if you need to talk.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #242 on: April 01, 2009, 11:08:02 AM »

Indja said everything I meant to say.

You're beautiful and lovely and have such a big heart and there's nothing you could ever do, Elle, to let us down.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #243 on: April 01, 2009, 11:25:06 AM »

I love you guys  :love5:

Thankyou.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #244 on: April 01, 2009, 09:33:10 PM »

So I without thinking took the knife onto campus with me today and used it again once or twice, managing to draw blood once.
I then took it home, and kept it out of my mind, and whilst I still want to, other things are keeping me from it.
I hope things stay that way.
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Haushinka

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #245 on: April 01, 2009, 10:34:04 PM »

So I without thinking took the knife onto campus with me today and used it again once or twice, managing to draw blood once.
I then took it home, and kept it out of my mind, and whilst I still want to, other things are keeping me from it.
I hope things stay that way.


WHAT THE FUCK?!
Don't start. Stop now. I know at first you're gonna be challenging yourself to even get through the skin, but DONT FUCKING DO IT. Don't satrt, you'll not stop for a loooong time.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #246 on: April 01, 2009, 10:44:35 PM »

Scattermoon, do me a favor.

Everytime you think about that knife, even bringing that knife, write a poem.  Write a line of a poem.  Write a word of a poem.

Talk to someone, someone off the Internet, someone who can see you everyday and know the warning signs.

Go watch TV.  Go read the Shadowbox.

Take that extra moment, however you need to.  Take with someone or take it alone but keep taking it until you don't feel like cutting, until you've found something better.

You're too beautiful and too young.  Don't start. 
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #247 on: April 02, 2009, 02:34:31 AM »

*hugging scatter and giving her all the love in the world*

if you ever need someone to talk to about things... just let me know. send me a pm or im or message me on twitter, okay?

i've been a compulsive cutter for years and have recently started to break the habit (haven't cut since december!). if i could help someone else (especially someone who is just starting), i would love to do so.


let me know.

LOVE
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #248 on: April 02, 2009, 08:42:45 PM »

Shit, I missed this whole thing. Argh, who am I kidding, I'm no good at giving advice anyway...
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #249 on: April 02, 2009, 08:51:17 PM »

Shit, I missed this whole thing. Argh, who am I kidding, I'm no good at giving advice anyway...

*clings*
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #250 on: April 02, 2009, 08:54:18 PM »

I'm good at that, I guess; if you need someone to cry on and talk about what's up, then I'm your man. But actual advice I'm very bad at. I mean, I don't even think that, if someone really wants to kill themself, you should stop. But, all the same, I'm very glad you're still here, Elaine.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #251 on: April 02, 2009, 08:55:21 PM »

I'm good at that, I guess; if you need someone to cry on and talk about what's up, then I'm your man. But actual advice I'm very bad at. I mean, I don't even think that, if someone really wants to kill themself, you should stop. But, all the same, I'm very glad you're still here, Elaine.

This was really awkwardly sweet
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #252 on: April 02, 2009, 08:58:49 PM »

I'm good at that...
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #253 on: April 02, 2009, 09:00:28 PM »

I'm good at that, I guess; if you need someone to cry on and talk about what's up, then I'm your man. But actual advice I'm very bad at. I mean, I don't even think that, if someone really wants to kill themself, you should stop. But, all the same, I'm very glad you're still here, Elaine.

I'm feeling a little unstable right now, and I was really glad to see you here  :). If you were actually *here*, I'd probably do just that...and advice isn't necessarily what I'm looking for. Just understanding. But I'm not going to kill myself, I could never do that. And thankyou Fergus, that is really sweet  :love5:

I'm good at that...

*hugs*
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #254 on: April 02, 2009, 09:04:18 PM »

Any time, honey.

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #255 on: April 02, 2009, 09:06:45 PM »

 :love5: :love5: :love5: :love5: :love5: :love5: :love5:

That is so so sweet. Thankyou Fergus. I can't wait to see you soon  :)
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #256 on: April 03, 2009, 03:27:33 AM »

You two are way too cute.

*vomits overcuteness blood*

*beats children*

*burns churches*

*feels better now*
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #257 on: April 03, 2009, 08:20:35 AM »

Why is it hard to keep resisting? When my friend asked to take the knife off me yesterday, I couldn't do it and started crying. I didn't want to lose the option, even though I'm trying to keep myself from it. Haushinka, Chay, Musings, Sarah, thankyou for your words.

Any time, honey.



I still find this super-sweet.  :love5:

You two are way too cute.

*vomits overcuteness blood*

*beats children*

*burns churches*

*feels better now*


heehee. sorry?
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Astica

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #258 on: April 03, 2009, 08:25:13 AM »

 ;D no, you don't have to apologize. I'm happy that you're happy, really. I'm just not used to overly sweet people :P
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I mean really, my sins are my own - i don't wnat some cunt to swoop in and wipe the slate clean. it is my fucking slate. fuck offf.

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #259 on: April 03, 2009, 08:31:39 AM »

(Knife safely away for time being, focusing on other things)

;D no, you don't have to apologize. I'm happy that you're happy, really. I'm just not used to overly sweet people :P

Heehee, I'm overly sweet? And Fergus too?

And thankyou  :)
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #260 on: April 03, 2009, 11:41:30 AM »

Why is it hard to keep resisting? When my friend asked to take the knife off me yesterday, I couldn't do it and started crying. I didn't want to lose the option, even though I'm trying to keep myself from it. Haushinka, Chay, Musings, Sarah, thankyou for your words.
Once you've got some form of safety-net it can be very hard to let it go. Give it time; these things will only get worse if they're rushed.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #261 on: April 03, 2009, 11:47:31 AM »

Why is it hard to keep resisting? When my friend asked to take the knife off me yesterday, I couldn't do it and started crying. I didn't want to lose the option, even though I'm trying to keep myself from it. Haushinka, Chay, Musings, Sarah, thankyou for your words.
Once you've got some form of safety-net it can be very hard to let it go. Give it time; these things will only get worse if they're rushed.
I thought you said you couldn't give advice? Yes, I suppose it is a safety-net, a way of physically expressing how I'm feeling. I'm trying to keep my mind on other things. *hugs*
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #262 on: April 03, 2009, 11:49:21 AM »

You two are way too cute.

*vomits overcuteness blood*

*beats children*

*burns churches*

*feels better now*



QFT.


Damn sweet-things. >.<
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #263 on: April 03, 2009, 12:11:07 PM »

That was advice? I thought advice was telling people what to do!
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #264 on: April 03, 2009, 12:14:39 PM »

No way - advice can be as little as saying what you think of a situation. Anything that can help someone get their head round how they feel themselves can be advice.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #265 on: April 03, 2009, 12:21:32 PM »

That seems to be your advice to everyone for everything!
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #266 on: April 03, 2009, 03:05:31 PM »

I'm far too much of a gentleman to pounce.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #267 on: April 07, 2009, 11:20:42 AM »

I AM SO GLAD I THOUGHT NOT TO TAKE MY KNIFE ALONG WITH ME TODAY.

i really feel i need it now
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #268 on: April 07, 2009, 02:13:56 PM »

I AM SO GLAD I THOUGHT NOT TO TAKE MY KNIFE ALONG WITH ME TODAY.

i really feel i need it now

*hugs*
I am sorry. I don't know what happened, but I think I know the general gist of it. If you need to talk, you know where I am.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #269 on: April 07, 2009, 02:57:51 PM »

i thought about stealing holly's sleeping pills, thyroid pills and strong anti-depressants, mixing them with my own pills, taking all of them at once and downing it with enough alcohol to knock me out, and cutting my wrists just in case

not going to happen though

Oh don't tempt me.
to do what?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #270 on: April 07, 2009, 04:52:08 PM »

if you're going to do that, at least wait until i'm there.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #271 on: April 07, 2009, 05:52:11 PM »

Ho hoh ho.....
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #272 on: April 07, 2009, 05:55:57 PM »

No. You what's happened, and the forum doesn't need to tknwo.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #273 on: April 08, 2009, 05:26:16 AM »

That still doesnt explain the "ho ho ho"ing specifically.

Although it made me think of the floating old man from FF7, not Santa.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #274 on: April 08, 2009, 01:35:46 PM »

That still doesnt explain the "ho ho ho"ing specifically.

Although it made me think of the floating old man from FF7, not Santa.

Is it sad I know his name is Bugenhagen?
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #275 on: April 08, 2009, 02:23:36 PM »

No, its great, because I had forgotten and was trying to remember.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #276 on: April 08, 2009, 02:24:49 PM »

I love how you thought of him instead of Santa
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #277 on: April 08, 2009, 02:26:17 PM »

 ;D well, what can I say. Square Enix made up a longer, more interesting part of my life.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #278 on: April 08, 2009, 02:26:55 PM »

I miss playing RPGs...
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #279 on: April 08, 2009, 02:48:17 PM »

I miss playing RPGs...

oh god, me too. i used to play those all the time...
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #280 on: April 08, 2009, 05:31:07 PM »

So start again.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #281 on: April 08, 2009, 05:32:41 PM »

I get majorly addicted, and I don't have the time for such an addition. Not until the summer anyway.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #282 on: April 09, 2009, 01:58:49 PM »

i want to die at this very moment.
i'm completely embarrassed and upset and i just want to disappear.

fml.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #283 on: April 09, 2009, 02:04:45 PM »

i want to die at this very moment.
i'm completely embarrassed and upset and i just want to disappear.

fml.

Please send me a PM, Chay

*offers huge hugs and lots of love*
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #284 on: April 11, 2009, 02:14:15 AM »

god dammit.

why am i so fucking depressed lately? i'm so sick of it.
the urge to hurt myself is really strong and it's making me feel sick to my stomach.

why am i even posting this?
i don't know.
i just want to give up.

im sorry

*feeling pathetic and ashamed*
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #285 on: April 11, 2009, 02:20:04 AM »

god dammit.

why am i so fucking depressed lately? i'm so sick of it.
the urge to hurt myself is really strong and it's making me feel sick to my stomach.

why am i even posting this?
i don't know.
i just want to give up.

im sorry

*feeling pathetic and ashamed*
Why apologize? You didn't do anything wrong.

And pleeeeeeease don't hurt yourself. It's not worth it.
And dont' give up. Giving up always makes things worse in my opinion.

Besides you have a kick ass tattoo to show off.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #286 on: April 11, 2009, 02:41:49 AM »

god dammit.

why am i so fucking depressed lately? i'm so sick of it.
the urge to hurt myself is really strong and it's making me feel sick to my stomach.

why am i even posting this?
i don't know.
i just want to give up.

im sorry

*feeling pathetic and ashamed*
Why apologize? You didn't do anything wrong.

And pleeeeeeease don't hurt yourself. It's not worth it.
And dont' give up. Giving up always makes things worse in my opinion.

Besides you have a kick ass tattoo to show off.

thanks.
i don't know. i mean, i haven't cut for a few months now. i probably won't cut. but i've found other ways of hurting myself and ive been doing those a lot lately.
and... i want to cut. that urge is just really strong. and it's fucking annoying as hell. because
1) i know i shouldnt
2) the urge is so strong that im close to just saying "fuck it" and doing it anyways

when i said "give up", it's more like... "giving up" on trying to be okay and giving up on pretending everything is okay and giving up the fight to give a shit.

this is so draining/exhausting. im just tired of HURTING all the time. and i'm tired of dealing with all of this shit on my own. i just feel really lonely and i wish there was someone here (as in RL) that i could talk to about these things and that i could just cry to and that would tell me that i was going to be okay.
it's also really exhausting because im having to pretend that everything is okay 24/7. i spent time in a psych hospital last october and november because things weren't "okay". i wasn't okay. i was full blown suicidal. the psych hospital was supposed to make it better, but in all honesty, it made it worse. my family members were all mad at me because i wasn't okay and i had to stay in the hospital. i caught so much shit from them (especially my dad and my aunt) because of how much the bill was for me staying there at the hospital. my mom rubbed it in my face that i was "sick" and kept telling me, "see? i always told you that you were bipolar or something!" (when in reality the doctors told me that i wasn't bipolar... my mom seems to always associate being depressed or suicidal with bipolar. i don't know why.) she acted like she was extremely excited because after all of these years, she was (in her own mind) "right" and she was better than me. she especially loved it when i had to drop out of college and move back home because of my stays in the hospital.
so now that im back home i have to constantly give off the impression that im fine.
but there are days where all i want to do is lie in bed and cry. there are days when the flashbacks, memories, and nightmares are too much to handle. there are days that i want to hurt myself. there are days that i want to die. and i can't tell anyone any of this. fuck. i'm not even honest with my therapist anymore. if i let that guard down and tell him all of this stuff, it will seep into the rest of my life and destroy the facade that i have worked so hard to create.

i'm just tired. i'm exhausted. and i don't want this anymore.

i'm sorry i went off on such a long venting session. i just needed to get it out i guess.  :-\
i'm done writing now. i promise.
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"Or maybe she's already dead and maybe she's gone to Mars
Maybe we could even write her epitaph in the stars" - Marcy Playground

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #287 on: April 11, 2009, 03:47:28 AM »

*huge hugs for Chay*

I'm sorry I can't be there for you, but the best I can offer is an understanding ear should you feel you need someone talk to, over PM or MSN when I get back home.

I'm sorry you feel you have to pretend things are okay. I tried that for a while and I felt under such strain...
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #288 on: April 14, 2009, 03:32:29 PM »

if i had succeeded in slitting my wrists on sunday night, at least people i care about dearly wouldnt think im a damned thief.

if i die now, will that prove my point? i cant believe you think i am a thief i cant believe it

i fucking love you i would never do something like steal money from you and your friends

and yet it seems you will never believe me and i have lost one of my central supports at the same time holly admits she tried killing herself over everything

i just cant take this

why the hell dont you believe me why dont you trust me when i would trust you with my life
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