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Author Topic: the suicide thread  (Read 66974 times)

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Haushinka

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #60 on: February 27, 2009, 01:22:25 PM »

It's for SECRETS!
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the empty girl

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #61 on: February 27, 2009, 01:26:28 PM »

hmm...
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Purtlepootle

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #62 on: February 27, 2009, 03:49:33 PM »

Indja-you should NEVER have been given advice by the Samaritans-that is a huge no no! I can assure you the Samaritans is TOTALLY confidential, no-one would ever find out about things you discussed with them!
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Chay

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #63 on: February 28, 2009, 01:42:24 AM »

hm. interesting thread.
well.
i don't know where to start with this. i still suffer from depression and occasionally still have those suicidal urges. about 4 months ago (almost five now), in october, i drove myself to the hospital ER afraid that i was going to kill myself if i didn't get help. i spent a week in the psychiatric hospital and was treated like shit to be quite honest. despite where i was i had NO ONE to talk to. i asked a few different times to be able to TALK to someone about what was bothering me, and i was always told there was no one for me to talk to. WTF? they said "just talk in your group therapy sessions". yeah. well those were filled with nothing but alcoholics and drug addicts who whined and cried about their lives, leaving time for no one else in the group.
a month and a half later, a week before thanksgiving, i broke down and told my therapist i wanted to kill myself and that i didnt want to live anymore. i spent another week in that shit-hole hospital. after that stay i packed all my shit up at school, dropped out, and moved back home. since ive been home i've been doing a little better. my family acts oblivious to the fact that anything happened at all (the hospital stays). the urges aren't as strong. but im afraid that im sweeping everything under the rug and refusing to deal with it all... because i have to be "strong" for my family.
i don't know.
five years ago i actually attempted suicide. it was probably the stupidest thing i could have done - not because i was trying to kill myself, but because of where i tried to carry it out - in the bathroom at school. i was planning on dying so never took a second thought about the attention it would get. oh fuck. believe me, when the ambulance shows up at school and takes you out with sliced up wrists and you're bleeding all over the hallways - yeah... everyone finds out. stupidest thing i have ever done in my entire life. i went through the rest of school being thought of as "that emo girl that cuts herself". heh.
my favorite (*sarcasm*) thing to hear is "nothing could be that bad that you'd want to kill yourself". really? fuck you. (not intended for anyone here - i love you ALL!!!!! *sincerely*)
god, i have heard that SO many times.

sorry for my rambling. those are my experiences with suicide. i feel better having talked about it now and i trust you all enough to talk about it here.

(PS: yes, im still in therapy)
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #64 on: February 28, 2009, 07:26:10 AM »

*offers Chay hugs*

I've heard the same story about other pysch wards which friends have been sent to, often by therapists who get really concerned. Those places sound like absolute nightmares.
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Indja

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #65 on: February 28, 2009, 07:27:40 AM »

It does sound like things are getting better though, Chay, and at least you're in therapy, so that's something. And those cocks who say nothing so bad it's worth killing yourself over, they're just sort of beneath contempt tbh. Or that opinion is, anyway - they might be quite nice as people xD

I think that obviously suicide shouldn't be encouraged, but a lot of people seem to take the stance that not encouraging it is the same as not talking about it, or talking about it with the soul purpose of convincing someone to change their mind. I find the main reason I don't talk to anyone I know about how I feel is because they'll instantly either pretend it's not real like make a joke of it, or try and "fix" me. I just want to get things off my chest most of the time, you know? Like maybe just saying it will stop the feeling being that strong.

And, Cee&Scatter- I have given more thought to uni, and am going to apply for all the best ones so that if I do get in, it'll be worth it in a big way. I don't really care either way though, so I won't be too fussed if I don't. And, I have narrowed my list of possible subjects down to French, English Lit, a totally new language which would be either German, Spanish or Arabic, Linguistics, Music Technology, Theology, or any combination of any of them. As I am equally as keen to do ALL of them, it's really no help at all >.<
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #66 on: February 28, 2009, 07:50:42 AM »

I think that obviously suicide shouldn't be encouraged, but a lot of people seem to take the stance that not encouraging it is the same as not talking about it, or talking about it with the soul purpose of convincing someone to change their mind. I find the main reason I don't talk to anyone I know about how I feel is because they'll instantly either pretend it's not real like make a joke of it, or try and "fix" me. I just want to get things off my chest most of the time, you know? Like maybe just saying it will stop the feeling being that strong.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, so to speak, and I tend to more open than is wise with my friends: talking to them about it without wanting them to suggest a solution, just to listen and understand, is how I have almost always coped with stress and pain. But like I said, I've been burned for that before when people have got angry that I'm not simply looking for a solution, or in one or two cases, I trusted more than I should and had personal stuff leak out and get spread around. On the whole, though, I am lucky I have the friends I do. We lean on each other.

I can't say I've ever had someone talk to be about suicide, at least not until after they contemplated it, but I do believe just letting it out to someone who will listen and empathise, rather than judge and 'fix', is important. When we are alone, where is the release?

And, Cee&Scatter- I have given more thought to uni, and am going to apply for all the best ones so that if I do get in, it'll be worth it in a big way. I don't really care either way though, so I won't be too fussed if I don't. And, I have narrowed my list of possible subjects down to French, English Lit, a totally new language which would be either German, Spanish or Arabic, Linguistics, Music Technology, Theology, or any combination of any of them. As I am equally as keen to do ALL of them, it's really no help at all >.<
Nicely done! Unfortunately, most UK universities don't allow that great a degree of freedom with your subject choices. I'm interested in so much, but I only got to choose two (even if other subjects have popped up within those two disciplines). Scotland is an exception, you are slightly freer in your courses up there. I wouldn't place too much hope into getting into Oxbridge, because it stings if they say no. Good luck with it all anyhow! And if you do decide to do German as part of things, I'll see if I'm able to help at all.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #67 on: February 28, 2009, 08:37:08 AM »

I can't say I've ever had someone talk to be about suicide, at least not until after they contemplated it, but I do believe just letting it out to someone who will listen and empathise, rather than judge and 'fix', is important. When we are alone, where is the release?
Yeah, I think talking without judging is the best thing. It's so hard to find, though, because people can get all "OHMIGOD YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR AAWEJLSLDKFJ;N" and generally react disproportionately. So you have to trust the other person enough not to do that, which is something I always keep in mind when my friends are talking to me about heavy personal stuff like suicide. I get worried about it sometimes, because even though I mostly just listen and hug, I wonder if I should be saying more. I'm generally an awkward person who says the wrong thing though, so I try to just be a sympathetic ear. If someone trusts me enough to open up to me like that, the least I can do is not betray that trust by coming out with something stupid when they really don't need it.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #68 on: February 28, 2009, 10:28:40 AM »


I think that obviously suicide shouldn't be encouraged, but a lot of people seem to take the stance that not encouraging it is the same as not talking about it, or talking about it with the soul purpose of convincing someone to change their mind. I find the main reason I don't talk to anyone I know about how I feel is because they'll instantly either pretend it's not real like make a joke of it, or try and "fix" me. I just want to get things off my chest most of the time, you know? Like maybe just saying it will stop the feeling being that strong.


I totally get that. I didn't have any real friends until I was in my teens, and by that point I had been so used to keeping crap bottled up inside that I was scared to talk about it. And when I did finally talk about things I just got "damnit Jenni." or "Jenni, shut up."
Have you ever thought about starting a journal, or doing art? Even if you think it's crappy art, or psychotic rambling, it's a place to get these emotions out.

Henry Rollins, for example, is known most for his anger. He keeps consistent journals. Every day he writes his thoughts and feelings, and it gets it off his chest, and gives him some inspiration for what to talk about during his shows. He's really a sweet guy, and very tame. He's the least selfish person I've ever come into contact with, and I'm absolutely in awe of him and his life. (BTW, if you've never had the pleasure of seeing him live, DO IT, he will change your life.)

and K.D. Lang takes her anger out on cavas', that she won't even let her partner see. They're there to let the emotion flow onto something that isn't another person, or herself, and she keeps her art stacked against a wall with sheets over it.

Your emotions are a beautiful thing, and no one should tell you that what you're feeling is wrong. It's just a matter of how you handle these emotions, and the rationalization of what you're feeling before making any major decision in how to handle them.

It took me a REALLY long time to work myself out emotionally. And now, if I feel like shit, I cry if I want to cry. I cry, and I write, and I paint. Sometimes I cry while writing poetry on my paintings. Fuck what anyone else thinks. It's a way to release these feelings and it beats my many previous (foolish) bouts of self destruction.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #69 on: February 28, 2009, 10:56:57 AM »

I don't know where I'd be without my journal to scream and weep and sing into. Especially since I have some very close and loved friends reading and offering support, as I do with theirs.

Recently, I've been releasing my torment and despair (which has gotten worse for some reason) into poetry. The last two poems I posted in the Poetry Thread were both more personal than I let on...which is why, when I read them out at Writers' Circle last week, I found myself screaming, crying, snapping and sighing my way through them in a way that left the rest of the group in shock, and myself on the very real verge of collapse.

Emotions. I feel the need to write again, because sometimes I think I'm going crazy. It doesn't help that several of my friends are in similar places as of late.

It took me a REALLY long time to work myself out emotionally. And now, if I feel like shit, I cry if I want to cry. I cry, and I write, and I paint. Sometimes I cry while writing poetry on my paintings. Fuck what anyone else thinks. It's a way to release these feelings and it beats my many previous (foolish) bouts of self destruction.

This is beautiful. I'm really glad for you.
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the empty girl

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #70 on: February 28, 2009, 11:38:20 AM »

I don't know where I'd be without my journal to scream and weep and sing into. Especially since I have some very close and loved friends reading and offering support, as I do with theirs.

Recently, I've been releasing my torment and despair (which has gotten worse for some reason) into poetry. The last two poems I posted in the Poetry Thread were both more personal than I let on...which is why, when I read them out at Writers' Circle last week, I found myself screaming, crying, snapping and sighing my way through them in a way that left the rest of the group in shock, and myself on the very real verge of collapse.

Emotions. I feel the need to write again, because sometimes I think I'm going crazy. It doesn't help that several of my friends are in similar places as of late.

It took me a REALLY long time to work myself out emotionally. And now, if I feel like shit, I cry if I want to cry. I cry, and I write, and I paint. Sometimes I cry while writing poetry on my paintings. Fuck what anyone else thinks. It's a way to release these feelings and it beats my many previous (foolish) bouts of self destruction.

This is beautiful. I'm really glad for you.

on the poetry thread you can read some of my poems. The Razor Burn poem, I wrote as I typed it. It just seems so much more rational to write what I'm feeling than to actually hack myself up.

And as for your reading your poetry, Bravo. And if people think you're weird because of it, screw 'em. The problem with people like that is that they don't know what it's like to live in your shoes. If they could know all the details of the things that are happening, or what you're thinking, they'd understand your emotions so much better. But ignorance is bliss. Stupid people are really happy not knowing how the real world works. One day though, reality is going to smack them REALLY hard in the face, and they're not going to have any idea how to handle themselves. Only then will they understand that your expression of your feelings wasn't lies that you made up for attention, they were simply shared art t show the world your ability to actually feel something.

I thought my life was crap throughout high school. My mother pulled me out of school and I never graduated. I sat on my fat arse for a couple years doing nothing with my life. She moved our family to Florida, then lost the job she moved there for, took all of my father and my money, and abandoned us with no money and a house full of stuff. I was forced to grow the hell up, and I understand now, more than I ever understood before.

If I was there, I'd be crying with you. Because emotions are fucking beautiful.


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Alyss

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #71 on: February 28, 2009, 03:38:25 PM »

I don't know where I'd be without my journal to scream and weep and sing into.
Here here. Since I started a diary I've been much better off.
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Chay

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #72 on: February 28, 2009, 03:50:50 PM »

yeah, i used to journal like hardcore. it's been actually a few months since my last entry. i think part of the reason is that now that im back "home", i feel like i can't let those emotions out anymore because if i let them out then im admitting that there is something wrong and that is "wrong" in so many people's eyes. so i keep it locked up tight, which i know is slowly killing me and will probably be the cause of another breakdown. ive found that since ive been home ive also not been able to openly talk to my therapist about the things that are really hurting me.
being back home is a bitter/sweet situation.
i used to practice art. i was a musician - that's what i was going to school for when i was at college about an hour away from here. i learned in the first week there that i was shit compared to the other students and never stood a chance. i also had no theory in high school, so i was literally just fucked. but while there i would spend hours upon hours in the practice rooms just slamming on a piano or playing my sax as loud as i could, making music to express how i felt. since i dropped out, i haven't played my sax a single time. i play the piano some and im learning the uke but it's nothing compared to the way my music USED to be.
as for art... i am so challenged in drawing/painting/whatever. i used to practice at it, thinking i might get better. but i always just let myself down and usually when i draw i just feel even more like shit.
gaaaahhhh.
im so fucking emo, sometimes. im sorry.
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Alyss

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #73 on: February 28, 2009, 03:51:36 PM »

Please. Emo as an insult is a shit word used by shit people.
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Chay

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #74 on: February 28, 2009, 03:56:15 PM »

its not really meant as an insult. just a stated fact *shrug*
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