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Author Topic: the suicide thread  (Read 64232 times)

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #90 on: March 01, 2009, 07:57:54 AM »

It's probably a good thing though. An entire world of emotional types would break down pretty fast.

I am relieved not everyone is like me in that regard. The world would be a pretty insane, melodramatic place if that happened.

also, i had an ex-friend of mine, who was on my LJ, try to use my journal entries against me. 

LJ drama! Thank goodness I've been relatively free of that for a while, but I remember a lot of messy messy things happening on there. I honestly they should redesign 'Frank the Goat' as 'Frank the Drama Llama', it would be more accurate.

yeah, i used to journal like hardcore. it's been actually a few months since my last entry. i think part of the reason is that now that im back "home", i feel like i can't let those emotions out anymore because if i let them out then im admitting that there is something wrong and that is "wrong" in so many people's eyes. so i keep it locked up tight, which i know is slowly killing me and will probably be the cause of another breakdown. ive found that since ive been home ive also not been able to openly talk to my therapist about the things that are really hurting me.
being back home is a bitter/sweet situation.

I sometimes have periods where I don't journal as much...but recently, I've making at least one update a day. Life...warrants it at the moment, I think. I'm sorry you don't feel able to express your feelings as easily anymore...I hope you find some way past that blockade. I've got something similar with my academic workload...I'm struggling, but I don't want to tell anyone, because I am convinced they will think me 'lazy' and 'wrong'.

i used to practice art. i was a musician - that's what i was going to school for when i was at college about an hour away from here. i learned in the first week there that i was shit compared to the other students and never stood a chance. i also had no theory in high school, so i was literally just fucked. but while there i would spend hours upon hours in the practice rooms just slamming on a piano or playing my sax as loud as i could, making music to express how i felt. since i dropped out, i haven't played my sax a single time. i play the piano some and im learning the uke but it's nothing compared to the way my music USED to be.
as for art... i am so challenged in drawing/painting/whatever. i used to practice at it, thinking i might get better. but i always just let myself down and usually when i draw i just feel even more like shit.

I hope you get your music back like I have reclaimed my poetry. We need to shout and scream, however we choose to do so.

I find that if I try and write a song (can't draw for shit, so that avenue of expression just depresses me further!) when I'm feeling down, it always turns out really shit or covering something I've already written about. And because I really hate having overly blunt lyrics, they rarely say what I mean anyway. Mind you, I do find it quite a release to engross myself in, say, designing a dress or a coat or something, because putting the effort into something quite unrelated to what I'm feeling for a sustained period of time seems to take my mind off it. I used to write letters to an imaginary boy (his name was Dylan) and still do sometimes, but it's trailed off recently because I seemed to be just saying the same shit over and over.

I wish I were able to put some of my poems to music. They are designed to be heard rather than read, afterall. Wish I could do designs too...when I try, it ends up looking rubbish. My doodles are all abstract (and linguistic!?) for a reason. And if you want, Indja, we can be your Dylan xx

I meant that you shouldn't describe yourself like that. Being emotional is fine, it's good, even. You're not being emo you're being human.

I understood totally, and totally agree. :)

I don't know where I'd be without my journal to scream and weep and sing into.
Here here. Since I started a diary I've been much better off.

I'm glad.

on the poetry thread you can read some of my poems. The Razor Burn poem, I wrote as I typed it. It just seems so much more rational to write what I'm feeling than to actually hack myself up.

I tend to write my poems in one burst too. They turn out more honest that way.

And as for your reading your poetry, Bravo. And if people think you're weird because of it, screw 'em. The problem with people like that is that they don't know what it's like to live in your shoes. If they could know all the details of the things that are happening, or what you're thinking, they'd understand your emotions so much better. But ignorance is bliss. Stupid people are really happy not knowing how the real world works. One day though, reality is going to smack them REALLY hard in the face, and they're not going to have any idea how to handle themselves. Only then will they understand that your expression of your feelings wasn't lies that you made up for attention, they were simply shared art t show the world your ability to actually feel something.

I thought my life was crap throughout high school. My mother pulled me out of school and I never graduated. I sat on my fat arse for a couple years doing nothing with my life. She moved our family to Florida, then lost the job she moved there for, took all of my father and my money, and abandoned us with no money and a house full of stuff. I was forced to grow the hell up, and I understand now, more than I ever understood before.

If I was there, I'd be crying with you. Because emotions are fucking beautiful.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother *offers hugs*
I am glad you have found understanding, though.

And yes, emotions are beautiful. Despite how much my own feelings mess me up sometimes, I am glad I have them, as they are mine. Let us cry together someday, and then laugh too.
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the empty girl

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #91 on: March 01, 2009, 11:14:14 AM »

I'm sorry to hear about your mother *offers hugs*
I am glad you have found understanding, though.

And yes, emotions are beautiful. Despite how much my own feelings mess me up sometimes, I am glad I have them, as they are mine. Let us cry together someday, and then laugh too.

Indeed. When I cry I'm very unattractive though. Swell up like my Chocolate allergy has come about on the fly. lol.
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"When people say they envy me and my life that's like a movie come true, I smile and neglect to tell them that the movie is Rock-a-Doodle." -JV

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #92 on: March 01, 2009, 11:18:19 AM »

Scatter, thanks for saying you'll be my Dylan, but unfortunately he was so finely crafted in my mind, I don't think anyone could take his place ^.^ He was... 5'10", blonde, blue eyes, American with a kind of souther accent, liked heavy metal (which is weird cos I hate it), had a little sister who I never bothered naming, lived with his mum and dad in a house on a hill and played lacrosse.

Ok, now I really do sound mad! I think I just kept adding things to him when I was bored, you know? Still, he sure was a sweetie ^.^ I love imaginary friends ;)
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #93 on: March 01, 2009, 11:20:15 AM »

I'm sorry to hear about your mother *offers hugs*
I am glad you have found understanding, though.

And yes, emotions are beautiful. Despite how much my own feelings mess me up sometimes, I am glad I have them, as they are mine. Let us cry together someday, and then laugh too.

Indeed. When I cry I'm very unattractive though. Swell up like my Chocolate allergy has come about on the fly. lol.

Apparently, I'm cute when I cry? Generally I just feel like a sobbing mess.

Scatter, thanks for saying you'll be my Dylan, but unfortunately he was so finely crafted in my mind, I don't think anyone could take his place ^.^ He was... 5'10", blonde, blue eyes, American with a kind of souther accent, liked heavy metal (which is weird cos I hate it), had a little sister who I never bothered naming, lived with his mum and dad in a house on a hill and played lacrosse.

Ok, now I really do sound mad! I think I just kept adding things to him when I was bored, you know? Still, he sure was a sweetie ^.^ I love imaginary friends ;)

Dylan should meet my Chris sometime. I think they might get on well :)
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #94 on: March 01, 2009, 11:21:57 AM »

Oooh, what's Chris like? He nice? xD
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #95 on: March 01, 2009, 11:24:57 AM »


Apparently, I'm cute when I cry? Generally I just feel like a sobbing mess.

I'm scary when I cry. I get all snotty and drooly, and I'm a big puffed up snot nosed, googe covered blob of emotion.

(Hawt)



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"When people say they envy me and my life that's like a movie come true, I smile and neglect to tell them that the movie is Rock-a-Doodle." -JV

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #96 on: March 01, 2009, 11:31:02 AM »

Oooh, what's Chris like? He nice? xD
He's sweet. He tends to be a little shy at first, but when you get to know him, he's great fun. He's got such a great sense of humour, and he knows a lot, even if he's pretty clueless about most aspects of life (fashion!). He also plays the guitar, and loves learning new songs. Sometimes he puts music to my poetry because he knows how much I love it. He drives a little red Toyota, and he wants to work with computers.

...now I sound crazy too!
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #97 on: March 01, 2009, 01:23:53 PM »

oh, i used to have tons of good friends.


Quote from: Chay
it's really nice to see that there are other people in this world that are human, too. sometimes it feels like i live in a world filled with bullshit robots that have no emotions or feelings or cares in the whole fucking world. it's tiring.

yeah well, the stoic types balance out the emotional types.  as much as i hate to say that...

quite true.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #98 on: March 01, 2009, 03:24:57 PM »


Apparently, I'm cute when I cry? Generally I just feel like a sobbing mess.

I'm scary when I cry. I get all snotty and drooly, and I'm a big puffed up snot nosed, googe covered blob of emotion.

(Hawt)





I think I turn invisible when I cry. I cry in public incredibly frequently, and no one ever has a clue. I've cried in a tiny office with five people surrounding me, and no one has noticed at all. I used to cry at school every now and again. I'd put my head down onto my crossed arms, and people would think I had a headache or was napping or something, until I picked up my head and my face was drenched and there was a huge puddle of tears on the desk. I've cried so many times in public sitting right next to my girlfriend, and not even she's noticed.

Maybe a quarter of my crying is visible, and it's usually only when no one is around to see it.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #99 on: March 02, 2009, 08:04:26 AM »

I've had suicidal thoughts for 6 years now. They used to be brought on by the silliest things. Then I started having serious health problems, and believe you me that put things into perspective pretty fast.
Chronic pain and illness are scary things to deal with, especially when they stop you from leading an independant and enjoyable life.

I've made a few serious attempts, had a few long stays in hospital, and have been in and out of therapy up until last month. Therapy's helped me deal with pain a little, but hasn't changed my stance on suicide and chronic illness. Life's there to be enjoyed, not endured, and I try to enjoy it as much as I can.

I'll be honest though, If things do get to a point where I'm alone and the illness renders me unable to live independantly, I probably would go and kill myself. I couldn't handle being a burden to family or friends. I've been hospitalized before and went crazier from being reminded every day that I was sick. If I had to live like that for the rest of my days, nah, I wouldn't have it.

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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #100 on: March 02, 2009, 10:01:59 AM »

The honest fact of the matter is dear, you feel like a burden now, but if you killed yourself, they'd all feel like it was their fault. You'd really hurt them more in doing so than anything you could do now. And if they don't think so, them fuck then, you don't need them. Seriously. I've seen entire families institutionalized over a family member's suicide.

My Freshmen year in high school my friend Rachel was dating a guy we'd known for years named Ben. Ben's parents had joint custody of him, and on weekends he was forced to go to his father's, despite his father being an arrogant, hateful bastard who mentally abused the shit out of him. Ben's step dad was my Sister and my good friends Alex and Chris' dad, and was (obviously) married to his mom. One Sunday in 2000 his mom called to let him know that she was coming to pick him up from his asshole Dad's house, and his father made some shitty comment about what a worthless piece of shit he was, and he went to his bedroom and blew his head off.

His Father didn't give a shit. Walked up to Rachel at the funeral and said "Hope the fucker's happy, he took 23 hours to clean up."

She wound up in a mental institute and or therapy for nearly 2 years.
His Mother, step father, and both of his step brothers were institutionalized and then required by law to attend therapy.
Chris dropped out of school after being harassed about it, and eventually joined the Navy, and Alex moved to Tibet to study as a monk, eventually forgot the English language, and now, oddly enough lives in Canada and is re-learning it.

Suicide is irrational. Often selfish. I understand, I really understand. But please please please be rational. Weigh the pro's and cons.

You die.
You never find out what might've happened.
You emotionally scar everyone who loved you FOREVER.
You take away a life. A healthy, meaningful life, when there are millions of people clinging to theirs whose bodies are being eaten away by cancers and incurable diseases, and they're not giving up.
It really can always be worse. I had a hard time realizing this. especially when I was spending last winter with no heat, and too broke to buy substantial food. Watching my 72 year old father who just finally got to retire, spend his entire retirement check, then have to overdraw his bank account every month, just to keep a roof over my head and food in my hideous little stomach. But you know what? While I was bitching about my shitty life and living off of Ramen noodle soup, entire families were freezing to death on the streets of New York City, just across the river here, because all of the shelters were full and they had nowhere to sleep.

Made me put things into perspective.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #101 on: March 02, 2009, 04:16:45 PM »

Apparently, I'm cute when I cry? Generally I just feel like a sobbing mess.
I think girls are cute when they cry. Makes me want to hug them and help them. Unless I'm the one that made them cry, in which case I laugh and see it as a victory.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #102 on: March 02, 2009, 04:27:36 PM »

Apparently, I'm cute when I cry? Generally I just feel like a sobbing mess.
I think girls are cute when they cry. Makes me want to hug them and help them. Unless I'm the one that made them cry, in which case I laugh and see it as a victory.
That first part is sweet, that second part makes you look horrid.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #103 on: March 02, 2009, 04:30:28 PM »

Compassion and empathy are things I often have difficulty with. And have yet to find an excuse for the unpleasant parts of me, which makes it all the worst.
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Re: the suicide thread
« Reply #104 on: March 02, 2009, 04:34:40 PM »

Compassion and empathy are things I often have difficulty with. And have yet to find an excuse for the unpleasant parts of me, which makes it all the worst.
Do you feel you cannot relate to others? Do you try to relate to others? Do you wear a mask that filters the world outside, and the person inside? How deeply do you feel? I don't expect answers to the questions, but if they can help...
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