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Author Topic: the poems thread  (Read 254176 times)

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Rob

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Re: the poems thread
« Reply #45 on: August 06, 2007, 09:19:40 AM »

Wound

A slice

across the heart

as by a shard of glass

it's sort of strange at first

it doesn't hurt

but then

you see

the blood

you feel

the cut.
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Everybody dies
Frustrated and sad
And that is beautiful

preferpencil

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Re: the poems thread
« Reply #46 on: August 06, 2007, 10:05:35 AM »

 :happy11: Rob, you just reminded me of a little something. A true story that can be seen by two small scars on my face to this day! Nice one. And may I just say...that I have no idea how to post without the alt + s "reply" --or how to post a new topic if i should feel so bold...? Clue me in someone. And I see many are back, and I see some are "new?" And I feel I can only say once again--that you are all taking up my day...


in honor of yours, Rob:


tried to let the neighbor's
old dog
pat pat
into its house.

old dog
pat pat
was almost blind.
and i was about to

embark on
kindergarten.

the picture says
the word.

the old dog bit.
the face of my face.

and stupid and
walking.
i got to the
porch area.

and my childhood
friend
screamed

"you're bleeding!"

and old dog.
pat pat.

i went in the house
and asked
on the ride to
the doctor.

am i going to die?

and they said no.

but they lied about
that

also.




someone come in now. (as if i am not already busy marching through the 4 pages here. you know, there is almost every type of "modern" poetry in here that i can think of...and that can only be a good thing for anyone concerned or reading. i still encourage the shy --but err. Sued-Jack --see. You sent me a masterpiece once. And now look at you. Ripping them out at will...and starting this thread) i really do have an awful tendency at extremely lonnnnnng parenthesis'--thank you Devery. Ting is now in your hands. Others are welcome should they feel inclined. But if you kill her or something, I'll have to bring her back to life until the unit "we"- figure out what the hell she actually is and what she is doing, etc. ;)
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"But it's never too late for the poetry of regret."--lee upton

armyoflarry

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Re: the poems thread
« Reply #47 on: August 06, 2007, 10:54:39 AM »

THE PENCIL!!!!!!

Yay! Glad you are back. Now that that is out of the way, now it is time for a virtual wrist slap. Your work is not crap. It is highly unfiltered and sometimes undisciplined, but never what I would call pure crap. It evokes your feelings, and does so in a very unusual way. I happen to like most of your musings. Sue me.

The only thing I wish you would do is go back to some of your work and find what YOU don't like about it and revise and edit until you are happy. That being said, you also have to know how to be objective and not over-work your poems. Over-production is not just for music, I have seen people over-think poems so much, and they end up losing the initial grit the earlier drafts contained.

The way I work is like this (not all the time, because rules are meant to be broken!):

1. write the raw inspiration first. No over-thinking, just put it all down unfiltered by worry over technical stuff, and bad thoughts like "is this corny?"

2. Get away from it for at least a day. Don't look at it and start tearing it apart right away. Your creative mind and objective mind will sometimes tear each other apart.

3. Look at it, and still try to avoid a harsh critical look. Just look at what you have done and try to decide what you are trying to say. Look for the fluff, and mark it (don't delete or erase it). Put it back down and go do something else. Come back to it. Is that fluff you marked, or do you need what you marked back in the poem? Ask questions of yourself like "can I say this in another way?" Write more if you need to. Add to it. Don't subtract anything yet. Maybe even write a parallel poem that says the same thing from a different perspective. KEEP IT ALL!! Now get away from the poem again.

4. Now look at it with that harsh eye of yours. Tear that thing to shreds and leave it begging for mercy. Edit it down to bare bones. Make it as direct as possible. Be brutal.

5. Now look at all the drafts and start making choices:

a. combine the best of all the drafts, and make the perfect poem.
b. take the original draft, and tell the revisions to shove it. (I do this most of the time)
c. throw it all away. (I'd like to pretend that I never do this, but I do it sometimes)
d. hate it, but show it to other people anyway. (I do this, and sometimes I change my mind months down the line , which is the reason you should never throw poems away).

There you have it, the method armyoflarry swears by, and sometimes completely ignores. JOY!

Welcome back Jennifer. Wanna get some java?






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Mandolin Rain

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Re: the poems thread
« Reply #48 on: August 06, 2007, 11:10:25 AM »



you said
you just wanted
a hug

and two seconds
later
your pelvis

was leaning
into mine.

and that was
not where I wanted
any body part
of yours.

and that was
not the right moment
to tell me you
felt lonely.

and that was
the last time I
wrapped my arms
around

something
like the shape
of my pity
for your

hips.





(simple...and not exactly true)

i missed you, jennifer! welcome back.
:love5: this poem and you
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guuurrrrrllltakeiteasy

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Re: the poems thread
« Reply #49 on: August 06, 2007, 11:20:33 AM »

BlondeRedhead--who let your rabid self in? splendid. SLAP ending. splendid.

WHAT!?
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Sean, mahal kita <3

Fo' shizzle, ma Bizzle.

cuntnugget

Rob

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Re: the poems thread
« Reply #50 on: August 06, 2007, 11:38:19 AM »

It's a compliment...accept it as such.  It is well deserved.
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guuurrrrrllltakeiteasy

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Re: the poems thread
« Reply #51 on: August 06, 2007, 11:42:22 AM »

OOOOH ok. but I wasn't mad. I was just you know. really LOUD.
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Quote from: garbanzo bean
Sean, mahal kita <3

Fo' shizzle, ma Bizzle.

cuntnugget

preferpencil

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Re: the poems thread
« Reply #52 on: August 06, 2007, 04:20:41 PM »

BlondeRedhead--Continue to be as loud as you want. You poems are making me go dizzy. And I like that, and we should have coffee, because I'm not sure I know if you've ever posted poems in the "past" Box or not, etc. Besides. Anyone who quotes Manson has my vote. I'm serious.  ;)

ArmyofLarry--I really do appreciate your attempts at helping me. I know my poems can run all over the place and are --human in flaws. I understand how you "work" but for me it all starts with one simple metaphor --or a bang off of someone else. (which could be cheating, but it's not) Meaning the poem about the dog biting my face was thought of because of Rob's offering....but really, absolutely. Java. As long as I'm not nauseated, k? ;D You consistently tell me not to look down on what I write, and I appreciate it--but it's a part of self-doubt that is rather embedded--even when I've achieved something more worthy of anything seen here. (rare, very rare) So thank you. And I will and do --except with Ting--keep it to one idea at the very least--or try--or give up and forget. Still. Thank you, sweetie.

Mandolin Rain--aha! We have catching up to do, and I'm glad you liked that poem. As simple as it is, I am rather fond of it myself in retrospect. I was just sitting here staring at the ceiling, trying for the millionth time to see if my tongue could touch my nose (it can't, and i'm joking)--and there it was. Who is the source of all my...ache? Probably the same bitch who just pissed you off. 8)

Devery--the Daphne furniture poem. you're in some deep shit now. (mumbles....damn bunch of talented writers wandering around and i have to go get paper towels...)

Rob. As always. "Wound" How true. And I hope you don't mind it made me think of the time I got bit in the face. I was lucky on that one. The one canine missed my eye by centimeters. One must always remember where they are fortunate, even when they wallow in their own agony.  Some wise saying fits there, I'm sure.

JacksBroken--you're a son of a bitch and should never write again. <<the worst joke attempt made to try and get you to "do it again" --it's always magic for me.

and if i haven't commented on you yet, don't worry. i will. i'm a nosy arse. but i mean no harm.
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armyoflarry

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Re: the poems thread
« Reply #53 on: August 06, 2007, 04:52:34 PM »

actually, you missed my point. My point was to give insight to how I work, and maybe spark some ideas for you.

As I said before, the best part of my method is that my best stuff happens when I ignore it.

So take what I say, and throw it away.

Just keep creating, and ting can go everywhere. We like that, yes.
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85283-071

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Re: the poems thread
« Reply #54 on: August 06, 2007, 06:14:29 PM »

I know my poems can run all over the place and are --human in flaws.


Actually, and this is not criticism, just an observation, your poetry is more single-minded and focused than your conversational prose.
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lunazuga

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Re: the poems thread
« Reply #55 on: August 07, 2007, 12:25:43 AM »

love poem. :love5: awwie! haha. it's kinda john donne inspired with an e.e. cummings feel (if anyone's a dork like me an dknows either of them; e.e. cummings only used punctuation where he felt they looked good, not where it was grammatically correct to punctuate).

the world will melt away with quickness
when you are near; things that are dark will be illuminated
i forget myself for you are me. inside and out
wandering the plains of my ideas for an answer
who;what:am i
in the black sea all answers are lost
and i am left talking to myself.

with all earthly matters, they are surely heavenly
with skin upon skin and thumb upon thumb
rough meets "angelic softness"
as the ground drips away, gently slipping from the grip of our toes.
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Devery

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Re: the poems thread
« Reply #56 on: August 07, 2007, 01:09:32 AM »


another Ting episode first:

............

and that's when Ting
realized she was a child
again.
learning to swim by
being plunged.
plummeted.
ruptured...

alone and down
into the
Quiet Place
where silence
pushed her
ears into
silent
acceptance
of the solid ice
above her
the coldness
of the water
freezing
her memory
until it served
her fate to
remember

she had flown
like Icarus'
lunar sister
 smashing molecules
into swarming wings
and petals scented
and stained with
nectar from an icy sun

the glowing hair
of the Angel
(she told herself
it must be)
standing before her
under the ice
her flushed cheeks
a contrast with
Ting's own blue lips

she had survived
the freefall
and oh -  how she
had smiled as
she smashed through
the ice to where
she saw Her now -
and now the Other
announced herself
to Ting
long before the
black car and
the mirror
She came to her
and opened her
with Her mouth
and power
to fill her blood
with Otherness

as She entered
Ting's eyes turned
deep and green
her skin a luminous
white and face
softened by the echo
of the seven moons

it told her her fate -
that she would be
both Queen and servant
the Other's need
would rule her mind
and instincts and
would take her little
trusting heart and
crush it into a thousand
separate lifetimes...


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armyoflarry

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Re: the poems thread
« Reply #57 on: August 07, 2007, 09:05:39 AM »

I didn't want to say
I want back yesterday
I knew what I was about

I can't see the ghost
my dream turns to comatose
I thought I had figured it out

I unlocked my heart for a minute or more
but I know the shutdown I have in store
and you will accuse me of closing that door
but it's your foot in my mouth
I thought I had figured it out

I could just drop the bomb
the fear that you're feasting on
think you know me inside and out?

the eggshell waltz parade
the "I thought I knew" charade
You thought you figured me out?

I unlocked my heart for a minute or more
but I know the shutdown I have in store
and you will accuse me of closing that door
but it's your foot in my mouth
I thought I had figured it out
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preferpencil

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Re: the poems thread
« Reply #58 on: August 07, 2007, 10:36:58 AM »

Wyatt--I didn't take that as critical at all. There are many--far too many, in the past Box, where I take a look at what I said (more accurately, tried to say) and flinch. I am a qualified neurotic for sure, and often if I reply to something immediately, the mind doth flow in too many directions. So, yes. I understood completely what you're saying. Perhaps often I have been misunderstood because of this. It makes me wonder how to "fix" such a problem. The only answer, or stopping /pm--tell  me wat you went thr computers down . You BIG LIAR!! I can come up with for now is to wait at least a few minutes before starting a reply...I'll try. I can't make promises on that one as I know my personality and synapse-release is...See? I've already really said it. But, no. No offense. :coolsmiley:

And Larry. No darling. I didn't think you were being harsh or anything, or even trying to do anything other than encourage me to stop putting my efforts down...and the "method" you described was actually printed out. One never knows when such things can actually "work" for you. Am I making sense to you? I hope so, because I'm delighted to find you. You first. And the continued excellence in your poetry.

Devery. You really are in deep shit. I'm wading through the entire story. Some things are firing. I already told you that it made me swoon last night, and I haven't even gotten to the rest of all the poems I desire to comment on...

so until i do, i repeat: all of the "old" electronic friends in this hemisphere, and all of the stars shooting in from somewhere else...this is better than sex. (if i remember the last time) is it better than sex? umm. take it as a compliment, one and all. :love5:

Ting is on the bunson burner... :icon_queen: or peasant. or not. ca n 't wa it to get through.
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armyoflarry

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Re: the poems thread
« Reply #59 on: August 07, 2007, 11:44:55 AM »

I want to shut down
I want to turn off

Why do you want me here?
I just want to end
I just need to pull my skin off
begin again

how are you of my flesh?
I don't even know you
spit that hollow insult
it really makes no impact

I just want to ignore you
tear off my skin once more
make a new imprint
after this life is consumed
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